To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

The third TA who reported the gossip to me dos also tell the head the head said she could only take it further if the complaint came from me. I didn't complain for the exact reason that I don't want to be the vengeful bitter ex trying to get the new gf fired! I chose to ignore it after talking to my dd who couldn't even remember the conversation. It's this new situation I can't trust my ex h or his gf to have my dds best interests at heart of course I need to tell them but should I also flag it with the school considering the amount of time they all spend their together and the influence they may have??

I cannot believe the number of people who are saying this is nothing to worry about and nothing to do with the school. It has sirens and red flags all over it!

At best, it shows extreme disregard for safeguarding teaching which drums it in that children should never be asked to keep secrets from their parents, and that staff should never put themselves in a position where an allegation could be made. It would not be OK for the TA to sleep in the same ROOM as the child on a school trip, so in the same bed is unbelieveable. I would be beyond angry if my exP thought it was appropriate for a new partner to cosleep with a child so soon. How would your DH feel if you were letting your children sleep in the same bed as a brand new fella? It is no different. These 2 are supposed to be professionals - in fact they should be the ones raising a concern if a child was overheard saying they had to bedshare with mums new BF etc.

The point here is that the TAs have a higher duty of care - they can't pretend that they innocently thought their private life and work life have no impact on each other. So the head already knows? As a school Governor, if my Head of School knew that and didn't step in and tell them to be more discreet both at home and work, I'd be furious - I'd be questioning that Head's integrity.

Yes of course they can have a relationship which will become accepted after time, and quietly and with all due respect to OP, they could spend time with the child and take her out etc., but not get in bed with her.

I think the OP is handling it very well, but if neither adult in the relationship can see what they've done then their judgement is shit. See DD's dad alone and discuss with him - if he is contrite and promises to tone it down, maybe that's ok. If not, have that conversation with the head.

PS- missed the bit about the keeping secrets. Phantom has it nailed.

Yep, agree with Phantom.

Tell the school

I'm a primary teacher and another one who thinks this is highly inappropriate. You would be well within your rights to mention it to the Head, but think carefully about what outcome you're looking for. At the very least, it will sour relations with your ex even further, which might be detrimental to your dd. That shouldn't stop you, but it's a consideration.

This is nothing at all to do with the school. This is an issue between you and your ex which you need to sort out between you. Imagine she didn't work at the school- would you contact the school because your child had shared a bed with your ex's new partner? No of course you would not.

Headteachers and governors have enough to do without having to handle complaints that have no grounds.

Talk to your ex. Ask that it doesn't happen again if you are uncomfortable.

That is so not OK. And yes, I would tell the school.

I echo a previous poster in saying that as a TA myself, I can think of NO reason at all would I ever share a bed with any of my pupils. Or for that matter, any child who was not my DC or neice/nephew.
As for the girlfriend co-sleeping so early on and the forced lying

There is a disgusting lack of boundaries here. This TA is now open to all kinds of allegations, and is a stupid bitch to risk her job completely unprofessional.
If this was my child, I would be furious.

I would be informing the school.

It's precisely because she works at the school that this is different. It's a total trampling on of professional boundaries. Imagine a 6 year-old at school telling other pupils that Miss Daft was sleeping in Daddy's bed last night then she was too. How confusing is that for children, plus it would be round school like wildfire, and likely to lead to older pupils asking awkward questions/being disrespectful to both adults. Working in school is a very public role, and there is an expectation that staff shouldn't bring the school into disrepute by their behaviour.

Imagine she didn't work at the school- would you contact the school because your child had shared a bed with your ex's new partner? No of course you would not

actually, yes, I absolutely would. I would speak to the Head who is I/C safeguarding, or the FLO, for advice, because I thought it inappropriate. The fact the OW is a TA at the school, is a further complication here, as OP does not want to be seen as just a vindictive ex, out to cause trouble for the OW. But the fact is, they are TAs and should both know better.

In short, it is inappropriate for a new partner to cosleep with a child. The fact that she is a TA at the childs school makes it even MORE inappropriate. The fact the child was told not to tell their mother is outrageous!

Actually, thinking on it further I would prefer the school to be aware of the situation anyway. It sounds like a very new relationship and I would want the school to be able to keep an eye on any unprofessional behavior should it all go tits up.

Ideally her father and GF/TA should be professional and adults about everything, but given that your daughter is aware of their relationship outside of school and clearly their colleagues are, I wouldn't necessarily be happy with their judgement and would want to cover all bases should they forget themselves.

I think if this came out, the school would phone Children's Services as it is a safeguarding issue. However, it is hard for the Head to act on hearsay, so firstly I would phone Children's Services if I were you, and distance yourself a little. Children's Services will advise you of best next steps. See where that gets you.

So at what point does it became appropriate for a child to share a bed with their fathers new partner? Never? After XX months? When they are married?

I'm another one who thinks its very inappropriate. I think having her being taught were her father and new gf are employed is a whole shit bomb waiting to explode.

I would seriously consider moving her to a new school.

Even if the school called the CS desk there would be no action.

Do you really expect a school to call every time any child in the school shares a bed with their parents and their parents partner? Each time they can't sleep and they climb into bed with their parents for a cuddle?

The parents also works in the school. Should he not share a bed with his child because he works in a school? This needs a sensible approach. There is a divide between professional and personal lives.

Can no teacher or TA ever share a bed with a step child or their partners child? What about their own child? Their niece?

I have to agree that this is jaw-droppingly inappropriate. Barring literal survival situations, I just can't think of a circumstance where it would be ok for an unrelated teacher to share a bed with a pupil. Ugh.

It may be deemed inappropriate but it is not a safeguarding issue. Not sure the school will be able to do anything about it. If they are not breaking rules or committing a crime then what do people think it he head can do?

After 3 months I do not believe you should even be introducing new partners, never mind the TA in the same school. Then to top if off spending the night.

So at what point does it became appropriate for a child to share a bed with their fathers new partner? Never? After XX months? When they are married?

there are no hard and fast 'one fits all' rules - but this couple are not even living with each other yet, so that is way too soon even without the complication that she is a TA, and they work together. The OP and her ex only split up in August, this is all so new and the child only just getting used to things. Lets face it this scenario has the potential to be really messy.

I do find it quite sad and worrying when I see people I know letting their new partners into their kids lives too soon, moving them in and bed sharing etc. Moving on to the next partner almost as soon as they split up.

For the sake of the children these things need to be taken slowly - days out and the like, before the new partner becomes a more permanent and trusted figure in the childs life. For some children, it might never be apporpriate to bed share, becasue they are not comfortable with it.

They're also setting this child up for being bullied/name - called because of it. So much for school being a safe place for her . Poor child, having the break - up of her parents/her Dad's new relationship paraded in front of the school she has to go to. As a teacher, if I ended up in a relationship with a teacher at the school I worked at/my daughter went to, one of us would have to move school before it was ever public knowledge. I wouldn't put my child in that position.

They are not teaching assistants at the school in this circumstance. They are the child's father and his girlfriend.

There is a divide between professional and personal lives

exactly, and they have forgotten that and massively blurred the lines, for a six year old - who is being told it is OK to share a bed with someone you know and it is ok not to tell mummy when people want to share your bed.

Is the issue not that the GF already has a professional relationship with the OP's daughter?

That situation adds complications to a bog standard new relationship and now she is definitely aware of something 'more' she should be supported at school to ensure that she isn't treated any differently, either favorably or negatively? At the very least the GF shouldn't be in a position that is coming into contact with her on a daily basis. I'm willing to bet that the school ensures her DF doesn't have an daily role in her school life.

Maybe the school wouldn't be interested in the sleeping incident, but they should be aware of and able to manage the boundaries of professional/personal relationships.

Fwiw, I don't see why any child would need to spend the night in the same bed as another adult who doesn't specifically live there iyswim. There is just no need for it in a relationship where they don't live together and it's not UR to presume that it shouldn't even be a consideration yet.

all the people who think it is nothing wrong with this scenario, would you feel the same if the male TA was sleeping with the female TA and her daughter just a couple of months into the relationship? you really think that would be OK too? what if your child was used to bedsharing with granny when at sleepovers but then she got a new BF, would it be OK for him to start bed sharing with your child straight away too?