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Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:
squoosh · 27/10/2015 14:08

Could you maybe share a room at weekends?

donajimena · 27/10/2015 14:10

It works for a lot of couples but you have to both be happy with it. Is your husband perhaps taking it as a rejection of him? Do you share a bed when you aren't working?

Bailey101 · 27/10/2015 14:10

If he's the one keeping you awake with restless legs, then I'd be telling him that he needs to see a doctor, not you! You've sorted the problem the best you can, and if doesn't like your solution then it's up to him to sort his restlessness out.

ArkhamOffitt · 27/10/2015 14:11

What would he like the Dr to do? Give you something to make you sleep heavily?
He can bog off, it's his restless legs keeping you awake. Some couples' sleep patterns are incompatible. Doesn't mean there is any lack of intimacy or love in the relationship. They just need their sleep.

Damselindestress · 27/10/2015 14:12

I don't understand why you have to be the one to go to a doctor. Being a light sleeper and needing a good night's sleep for work aren't medical conditions! Has he seen the doctor about his restless legs?

badtime · 27/10/2015 14:15

You need to go to the doctor?
He is the one who has a problem that keeps you awake; he is also the one who objects to the current arrangements, so he should be trying to sort it out.

Thurlow · 27/10/2015 14:16

Can he go to the doctors, is there anything that can be done for restless feet?

It's hard because you both have very valid points. Most people like sharing a bed as it brings intimacy, so I can see why your DH doesn't like it. But then, not being able to sleep because of the other person is awful, so I can see why you do like it.

Squoosh is right, can you try and make a compromise and share some nights?

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 14:16

How immature and selfish of him to put his needs and insecurities ahead of your need for sleep. Especially when study after study confirms the adverse affect sleep deprivation can have on long-term well-being.

I would not be wondering if I were unreasonable, I would be wondering why my husband doesn't love me enough to allow me a restful night. Being clingy and needy and controlling is not "love" by any stretch.

BestZebbie · 27/10/2015 14:18

Yet another - your arrangements sound fine, but if they aren't working for both parties then the core issues preventing other sleep situations (restless legs and night-time peeing) need to be adressed...and those are his medical issues, not yours!

EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 14:19

We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.)

So it's not just the restless legs, it's having anyone do anything in the room with you.

Is this a new thing? Have you always had this issue?

I'd be pretty upset if DH decided he didn't want to sleep anywhere near me tbh.

Original poster
Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:19

TBH we only share a bed on holiday and I don't sleep but I suppose I could cope with sharing a bed at the weekends. He thinks that I'm 'imagining' he has twitchy legs. We used to sleep in the same bed when we were dating but that was only one night a week and so bearable.

Maybe if we both got a 'prescription' it would solve the problem Big grin: Grin

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 27/10/2015 14:21

Can you give him evidence of his restlessness? I had to record DH to get him to agree he snores. Cos obvs I'd make something like that up?!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/10/2015 14:21

I would hate to be apart from Dh at night so I entirely understand your Dh. In fact, I dont think I could do it long term. I don't have a stressful job to deal with though.

Marynary · 27/10/2015 14:24

I have restless legs and DH sleeps in a separate bedroom because of it. I'm very happy with this as he snores. Most of my friends and colleagues over the age of 40 also sleep in separate rooms at least some of the time.

carabos · 27/10/2015 14:26

Isn't restless legs a symptom of some vitamin or mineral deficiency? He needs to get that sorted regardless of where he sleeps.

I've got the Worst Cold Ever atm, spent most of last week in bed and mid week made DH sleep in the spare room as I didn't want to infect him. He gave me the Hmm look but went. Next morning he announced he wasn't doing that again. Mind you, he thought having individual duvets was the start of the slippery slope Grin.

Marynary · 27/10/2015 14:26

By the way, he should try avoiding alcohol and caffeine. Exercise may also help (although it makes me worse for some reason).

christinarossetti · 27/10/2015 14:27

I get this. Not all the time, but certainly sometimes, I really, really want to have a room/bed to myself at night.

I occasionally pull the 'you're snoring' card and up sticks to the spare room, but know that it would really, really upset dh if this was even a semi-permanent arrangement.

I would feel rejected the other way around too.

Sorry, no advice, but lots of empathy.

Marynary · 27/10/2015 14:28

Isn't restless legs a symptom of some vitamin or mineral deficiency? He needs to get that sorted regardless of where he sleeps.

No it isn't a vitamin or mineral deficiency and you can't necessarily just "get it sorted" (I wish).

GruntledOne · 27/10/2015 14:29

He could and should get medical advice both about the restless legs and the need to pee in the night, not least because he should probably get his prostate gland checked.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/10/2015 14:29

Does he actually have restless legs or does he just move in his sleep, and having anyone do anything in the room that you are trying to sleep in annoys you?

I'm with him, I'd hate to not be able to sleep in the same bed as my partner. You need to find a compromise, though - sleeping apart from him will cause resentment if he takes it as a rejection.

Original poster
Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:32

I feel bad about it but I've done my job sleep deprived and became so slow that it was brought up in my appraisal. Yes I suppose I need to find a new job but this would mean taking a massive pay cut which seems ridiculous when I could just sleep in a separate room and get a decent nights sleep. I think my DH needs to let this go but it is becoming more and more of an issue.

He is becoming obsessed by it and it is stressing me out. I think there is another issue underneath. He wants to start TTC but I'm not sure whether I'm ready and I think the bedroom issue is getting in the way.

OP posts:
Axekick · 27/10/2015 14:32

If he has actual restless legs, he needs to go to the doctor.

The fact that you tried twin beds and it didn't help, suggests it's not his restless legs at all.

It's suggested you just don't like sharing a room. Tbh I would be gutted if dh was like this.

The fact that he has suggested a doctor can help, says to me there is more to it...or he thinks there is more to it, than just being a light sleeper.

helenahandbag · 27/10/2015 14:37

DP and I only share a bed at weekends and our relationship is 100% healthy. I have anxiety related insomnia and wake up if a mouse farts in the next room so having DP next to me snoring, talking and elbowing me with his giant limbs (he's nearly a foot taller than me) is just awful.

I hate sharing a bed but I love DP to bits and it in no way means that I'm not committed to him.

HSMMaCM · 27/10/2015 14:40

Is it because he doesn't think you will be 'intimate'? Can you go up to bed together in the same bed and then split when it's time to sleep?

I have restless legs and insomnia and need to visit the loo in the night and it must drive DH mad. I'd be more than happy to stretch out in my own room. Maybe when DD moves out ................

Letustryagain · 27/10/2015 14:40

OP I feel your pain.

About a year ago DH's snoring became very loud and unbearable, just age related apparently (it's definitely not a weight issue and he has no breathing problems) and I, like you, am an incredibly light sleeper. I NEED my sleep, I am really really grumpy without it.

So we now sleep in separate rooms and he hates it. He says that in his eyes it's not normal and means that our relationship is breaking down. I tried ear-plugs and they just made my ears so sore and it got to the stage where even though I was asleep before he came to bed (I'm normally in bed for 9pm), I would wake up as soon as he would come up the stairs.

I told him that our marriage would be more at risk if we shared a bed because I would resent him because I couldn't sleep.

I am going to the GP with him to see if there's anything that can be done. But I really don't think there's an easy solution...

I am not bothered at all about being in separate rooms by the way!!