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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:42

Haha -I'm also easily alerted to mouse farts!!

Maybe I could try harder on the twin bed front.

But he does have twitchy legs

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 14:43

FWIW i would hate to be parted from DH at night even with the snoring, jerking and douvet nicking. That he does, i should point out!

However, me saying how i feel, or the feelings of posters who are here saying they sleep separately and it works for them, is utterly beside the point. It's the OPs husband who has an issue with having to sleep separately from his wife and it needs sorting somehow.

How about the separate beds and you wearing ear plugs OP?

The TTC thing is a bit of a red herring. You can TTC anywhere in the house after all

SolidGoldBrass · 27/10/2015 14:43

No YANBU, he can fuck off and stop being such a baby. You need to sleep without being kicked about and disturbed by him getting up in the night. THere's nothing worse than a clingy partner who won't give you space, even though the clinging is causing you physical distress.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 14:46

But presumably OP doesn't want to tell her DH to ''fuck off''.

Also I imagine she could have thought of that on her own by now if she did

runlulurun · 27/10/2015 14:47

I would be really upset if my DH wanted separate rooms.

If I asked your DH why he thinks you should go to the doctor, what would he say?

EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 14:49

TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

Sorry to pick apart the OP, but if it's during the evening as well this sounds as if you might be making him feel you're just trying to be away from him.

Original poster

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:50

Letustryagain - I understand totally. Sometimes it's like we can't win either way. I have tried meditation which is great once you drop off but doesn't help if you keep getting woken up.

OP posts:

runlulurun · 27/10/2015 14:50

Those sleeping with snorers, if it's affecting your relationship cranial osteophathy might be worth a go. Some people think it's a load of bunkum by it stopped my Dad's window-shattering snoring completely, and I am still somewhat stunned by the result despite feeling sceptical about CO's in general! From various anecdotes the quality of different practicioners does vary though.

OOAOML · 27/10/2015 14:52

What can the doctor do for you? Other than medication to make you sleep more heavily. Why would you want to do that?

What can the doctor do for him? Check his prostate/bladder? Investigate whether there is anything that can be done about his restless legs?

Which of these is a more 'valid' use of a doctor's time?

I would love my own room, but our current flat is so crowded with even the children sharing.

OOAOML · 27/10/2015 14:54

Some people do need their own space, and peace and quiet to think, whilst others seem to need constant chatter and companionship. Neither should be seen as more important than the other, although obviously it can mean a bit of negotiation.

Original poster

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:54

I do spend time with him in the evenings but he does not stop talking until past midnight so I often go to bed about 10pm. He also wakes early around 6am and starts chatting. When I ask him if he could just let me rest a bit longer he stops talking for about 5mins and then starts chatting again. If I don't answer he responds for me and just continues.

OP posts:

5hell · 27/10/2015 14:56

Ideally you would both show a bit more empathy (no offence) and find a compromise which you can both be reasonably happy with.

I can imagine he feels a bit rejected and fears it maybe the beginning of the end for intimancy, or a sign you dont want to be near him generally; equally you're right that sleep is important and if his nightime habits are annoying you that much it may well drive a wedge between you long-term...

is there anything he can do about restless legs / night wees?
is there anything you can do to help you sleep better (with/without him)?
could the stress of your job be impacting your sleep as well and making his habits more noticable/annoying?
could you try alternating nights together/apart? (or weekends as another suggested?)
could you get a MASSIVE bed? ;)

good luck!

BeanGirls · 27/10/2015 15:00

Can you try the twin bed thing again and wear earplugs. I sleep with mine every night because I am such a light sleeper and even having dh breath drives me crazy.

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 15:01

Monkeyrules "I do spend time with him in the evenings but he does not stop talking until past midnight so I often go to bed about 10pm. He also wakes early around 6am and starts chatting. When I ask him if he could just let me rest a bit longer he stops talking for about 5mins and then starts chatting again. If I don't answer he responds for me and just continues"

oh dear, he's one of those who just doesn't understand your need for sleep.

tbh I think you need to talk to him. I have terrible insomnia and have told boyfriends from the get go that I cannot share a bed on a regular basis, it's not negotiable.

re restless legs, ridiculous that he doesn't believe you. And trust me when I say sleeping pill sleep is not the same as proper sleep so if he thinks you should take pills he is being very silly.

only suggestion I can think of is twin beds and you wear ear plugs but I understand if you would prefer not to.

tbh I can't really see why someone wouldn't understand another person's need for sleep. I think he is being very inconsiderate.

CanIGoToBedNow · 27/10/2015 15:03

How big is your bed? Can you fit a super sized emperor bed in your bedroom? Then keep apart during the night? Obvs it won't help with the night waking...

BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2015 15:07

I was all sympathetic to him until you got to the bt about his incessant chatting

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 15:14

CanI - the OP could get the biggest bed in the world but it won't stop him chatting.

Orrery · 27/10/2015 15:17

So, yes restless legs and peeing in the night are a trip to the GP for him.

Yes separate rooms are ok sometimes - we sometimes sleep in separate rooms if one of us is ill/not sleeping well/has an important meeting next day, to deliberately get a good night's sleep.

Yes, you are probably leaning on separate rooms a bit too much to avoid committing to TTC before you are ready. Talk about this and agree to spend at least a couple of nights a week in the same room (weekends?) as long as you're not pressured into TTC.

Axekick · 27/10/2015 15:21

It sounds like he things this is you blocking ttc.

Also sounds like you are putting barrier up too

suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 15:22

he sounds like a pain in the arse
good sleep is crucial
I wonder what he'd do if he was the light sleeper being kept awake by your twitching?

gamerchick · 27/10/2015 15:23

Me and the husband have seperate bedroom and it was essential to the survival of our marriage. We're happy and our sex life hasn't suffered.

However if he didn't shut his hole till he went to bed and then WOKE ME UP to talk at me his problem would be far more than me not wanting to share a bed.

Tell him to go to the doctor or stfu about it.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 27/10/2015 15:25

My OH currently has a job working away from home 3 nights a week, I LOVE IT, if he gets a job closer to home i might have to start sleeping in the spare bedroom 3 nights a week.

I found that just 3 good nights sleep a week allowed me to cope for the rest of the week. Could you sleep together at the weekends?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/10/2015 15:26

Suggest he wears ankle weights and one of those gimp masks with a huge gobstopper to stop the chatting?
I'd murder someone who kept me awake to midnight and again from 6am just wanting to "chat"

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 15:30

Based on your last update he sounds more like a needy toddler than a mate.
What do you feel at the prospect of decades more of bending to his easily-hurt feelings?

Decent night's sleep is a medical necessity. Anyone who tries to guilt you out of it because he feels rejected that you are not by his side even when unconscious does not sound like a caring partner or good prospective father of one's children, to be honest. What about when they need to sleep and he wants to talk/play/whatever?

Original poster

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 15:33

I'm not using this as a way of avoiding TTC. Although it does concern me that I'm already wanting a good nights sleep and that obviously won't be happening if we have a baby in the house unless I buy a set of ear defenders.

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