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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:

Marynary · 27/10/2015 23:00

We researched the issue and he finds a small can of tonic water (containing quinine) really helps. Enough for him to sleep.

Not sure what research you did but quinine is for leg cramps not restless leg syndrome. There is very little quinine in tonic water nowadays anyway.

whois · 27/10/2015 23:09

I don't think you are U for wanting to sleep in separate rooms if sleeping in the same room means you don;t get enough sleep - but if it isn't working for your DP then its not ideal This shouldn't be a case of one persons needs above the other. It shouldn't be you either sleep in separate rooms or you get kept awake.

There has to be a compromise? Cuddle in the main bed with him then go off to your own room on weeknights? Share the bed on weekends? Have a 'no talking before I'm awake in the morning' rule?

Going to the toilet once in the night isn't a huge deal through, I don;t find that aspect unreasonable.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/10/2015 23:41

Sometimes what's written between the lines is fairly clear:in this case the man appears to have done nothing to address the fact that OP needs sleep and he is keeping her awake - apart from to whine about her being insufficiently committed to The Relationship. She's supposed to go to the doctor in order to be drugged into compliance so his feelings aren't hurt, because men's feelings always take precedence over women's health, wellbeing, comfort, safety and of course their own feelings...

Ilovetorrentialrain · 27/10/2015 23:43

Hi Marynary it was mostly anecdotal from Internet searches. Wouldn't usually follow such 'research' for a medical condition but as tonic water is not harmful (for my partner, can't speak for anyone else who may be intolerant in some way) he gave it a go. It really does work for him. Genuinely just one very small can does the trick.

banff82 · 28/10/2015 00:12

I don't think YABU OP; I'm in kind of the same situation wth my fiancé, except he's the light sleeper and I could sleep on a clothesline but tend to move around a lot in my sleep - although I don't have RLS and I definitely don't yabber on at him at 6am! I'm a vet and am on call one night a week as well, so he would be woken up by the phone going/me talking/getting up and/or coming back in the middle of the night.

OH is a really poor sleeper, he wakes up if a spider farts, and he's got a hip problem from an old skiing injury for which he's waiting for a pain clinic referral, but which is causing him quite a lot of discomfort at the moment, and me moving around making the mattress move obviously doesn't help this. We sleep in separate rooms during the week because otherwise he would end up getting practically no sleep at all and would be a grumpy zombie. He's a consultant and has his own business in a demanding, physical industry and he needs to be able to function. I don't mind it at all, I'm not a 'cuddly sleeper', I know I move around a lot, and frankly, when you're unconscious you don't know if they're next to you or not. We mostly go to bed at the same time and we'll have a cuddle in 'our' bed and then he goes to the spare room. On weekends if he's not working the next day and I'm not on call we'll usually sleep together, but I sometimes pack him off to the spare room anyway and tell him to come back in in the morning because I know he will be awake most of the night and it's just not fair to him - and as we can do a lot more fun stuff together if he's not knackered and grumpy the next day it's a win-win! I really don't think it's a big deal, it certainly doesn't mean we're not intimate - we adore each other and have a great sex life. If he was permanently exhausted and grumpy from sleep deprivation we definitely wouldn't have!

I hope you can find a workable compromise with your DP; at the very least I think a chattering ban after midnight and before 7am on work days as mentioned above is a must!

Adarajames · 28/10/2015 01:56

I have awful rls as times, have found a seaweed based gel called Tired legs gel, can often work wonders in reducing the twitching

saffronwblue · 28/10/2015 02:15

Op please please do not downgrade yourself professionally to find a job you can do while sleep deprived. Not a good idea. Have you and dp talked about how you will both deal with the sleep deprivation of caring for a new baby? If sleep is already an issue then a baby will increase it exponentially.

MistressDeeCee · 28/10/2015 02:48

SolidGoldBrass hit the nail on the head.

How actually hard is it to go to GP and say I have restless legs and it affects mine/my partner's sleep how can this be resolved?

Not hard at all but if people don't want to do something then they won't. Its rather unkind to refuse to at least aim to address a health issue that affects and upsets your partner

WaggleBee · 28/10/2015 03:04

YANBU. Sleep is incredibly important. Those who fall asleep easily don't understand how distressing being a light sleeper can be. Long term poor sleep can effect physically and mental health. The OP's health does come before her DP's desire to share a bed. Lots of people have seperate beds/rooms and have a perfectly healthy, happy relationship.

Does he definitely understand how much you need your sleep? Its understandable that he wants to share a bed but surely he doesn't want you stressed and exhausted just because he wants to share a bed whilst he's asleep?

Ttc has nothing to do with it I don't think. You can ttc then go to different rooms. His sperm doesn't need him to cheer them on for the rest of the night.

WaggleBee · 28/10/2015 03:12

God yes, everything that Solidgold said.

marmitemofo · 28/10/2015 06:38

I actually can't believe that you're serious solidgold... Not really fair to say her DH hasn't done anything when he's tried sleeping in a separate bed in same room and is currently sleeping in a separate room. At no point has OP said he's done nothing - in fact her original point is he's 'frustrated'. That's very different from 'won't change his behavior to allow her to sleep.'

I do agree that he is being U in not going to the GP: her DH should go, if only to confirm he actually has restless leg syndrome as its not clear he definitely does - I'm not sure how OP has diagnosed this.

And re her downgrading her job. I don't think OP has said anywhere that he's suggested she move jobs but I may have missed it?

I think there has been a huge amount of conjecture on this post away from the original problem - OP is a light sleeper, her DH doesn't appreciate this, and he's upset that she doesn't want to share a bed with him. Everything else seems to be projection from a few people on here!

Anyway, I will bow out as the voice of reason on this thread as I think its gotten so far out of hand as to be verging in the ridiculous! Please do continue to bash a man you've never met and ascribe to him motivations you are projecting from your own lives/agenda

BojackHorseman · 28/10/2015 06:50

There's plenty of man haters in this thread.

If my wife didn't want to share a bed with me then I'd be upset and so would my wife be if I didn't want to share a bed with her, I'm not sure why that's so hard for some posters to comprehend?

Yes some marriages cope very well with separate beds but it's certainly not the norm so I can understand why the DH is feeling fed up, if he has restless legs then I'm not sure if the doctor can actually do anything, it sounds more like that the OP wants to have her own bed to me and she's using a few excuses.

RollerGirl7 · 28/10/2015 07:05

It sounds like you are trying to distance yourself from him and he's desperately trying to cling on.

Yes the chattering is annoying but surely just tell him about it and ask him to respect your need for more quiet time. If he literally can't stop asking there's a problem and he should wok on it.

Potentially you should work on getting more deep sleep - !as a precious poster said maybe stress is making you have really low quality light sleep. (I'm not an expert so what I've said might be completely wrong but worth pursing surely to help your relationship )

He needs to go to the doctor about his restless legs and peeing.

As an aside you really don't seem to like him so I'd just leave rather than make excuses.

Letustryagain · 28/10/2015 07:06

As Demon has said, if anyone can recommend some really good earplugs I would be happy to try them out! But I'd be doing it for his sake not mine because I actually enjoy having my own room.

I've only used the foam ones and by the time I've actually got them to go into my ears properly (some nights they just didn't go in and I ended up so angry because I was so tired) it's only been another couple of hours before I have to take them out again because the inside of ears are hurting so much and they're really sore!

OP, as I said before, I totally feel for you...

donajimena · 28/10/2015 07:07

I am another one astounded at how this thread has turned out. Red flags?? My arse.

DeoGratias · 28/10/2015 07:08

You can get a lot of sex and have separate rooms. Most people don't sleep better next to someone and that affects your health yet we perpetuate this myth that peopkle must share rooms which is really all about economics - most people don't have spare rooms.

If it's good enough for the Queen......

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 07:08

Lots of couples have very good sex lives without sharing the same bed or even the same room all night . Some of you don't have very much imagination .

Scoobydoo8 · 28/10/2015 07:09

I think that in theory people can sleep anywhere, eg near to motorway or rail line, And even if you wake up you should be able to doze off again
and if you can't sleep it's something else that is messing you up.

Maybe repressed annoyance at a selfish partner or feeling out of your depth at work or something. Or anger that the DH is putting his wishes before the yours.

It should be possible to make a compromise. eg some days alone, some days one moves out of bed at 3am, earplugs etc etc

An honest conversation with the DH would probably be a good start.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 07:09

Ha ha , x posted with Deo

Letustryagain · 28/10/2015 07:15

Bojack, so if your wife was desperate to sleep in another room because of whatever sleep habits you may have that were keeping her awake and making her incredibly unhappy (hypothetically obviously - not suggesting you have sleep habits!), is it Ok that she's unhappy to keep you happy?

That's the bottom line. Whose happiness is more important. The answer is no-ones. Other than wanting sleep the OP is not being inconsiderate. If the OP's DP was to amend his behaviour (the chatting) and go to the GP to see if there was a reason/cure for the RLS, it could all be sorted out and they could be back in the same room.

THAT is the issue. The unwillingness to try and fix something that could be fixable.

Thank you to whoever suggested Cranial (something - I'll read again in a moment) as a possible cure for snoring, we may well look into that.

DeoGratias · 28/10/2015 07:15

I used boots wax ear plugs for 20 years with a snoring husband. Huge relief to sleep alone now. They do work if you ram them hard into the ear having softened them first by holding them in my hot hand. They must be wax to work properly and I halve them into two as they are too large otherwise.

Letustryagain · 28/10/2015 07:53

Deo, did they hurt your ears though? Or are they nice and comfy?

Thank you for the tip though, I'll have a look.

(Sorry for the derail OP)...

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 28/10/2015 08:10

I used ear plugs for a few months when I lived in a noisy flat and they gave me awful ear infections. I would be careful about using them as a long term solution.

Marynary · 28/10/2015 09:18

Hi Marynary it was mostly anecdotal from Internet searches. Wouldn't usually follow such 'research' for a medical condition but as tonic water is not harmful (for my partner, can't speak for anyone else who may be intolerant in some way) he gave it a go. It really does work for him. Genuinely just one very small can does the trick.

It's not harmful for your partner because there is very little quinine in tonic water. There is certainly not enough for a small can to have a pharmacological effect. If there was it would have side effects and you would need a prescription for it. It is rarely prescribed nowadays because of side effects e.g. it can make the heart beat abnormally.
Also, as I said, quinine works for leg cramps not RLS.
It's great that your partner feels that a small can of fizzy water works for him but really it is just a placebo effect.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 28/10/2015 09:19

I'm not shouting red flags but it does seem pretty unreasonable to complain about separate rooms when he's not even discussed the problem with the GP. And yet thinks it's totally reasonable for the OP to take medication to make her sleep

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