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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:
DemonHeadmistress · 27/10/2015 16:33

peggy, which ones do you recommend? I've tried a few types and they never quite work for me, but I'm never sure if there are better ones out there. (Sorry to derail, OP)

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2015 16:33

"I've done my job sleep deprived and became so slow that it was brought up in my appraisal. Yes I suppose I need to find a new job but this would mean taking a massive pay cut which seems ridiculous when I could just sleep in a separate room and get a decent nights sleep."
What do you mean, 'I need to find a new job' Confused? Your lob is not the problem, your sleep-deprivation is.

Your DH needs to accept that his restless legs are a problem. If he wants to share a bed with you, he needs to address that problem. And as for "he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop" - what age is he? If young, that might need looked at as well. Maybe he could e.g. stop drinking anything after 9pm and see if he still needs to wee in the night (worked for me).

YANBU to want a decent night's sleep. He is being very unreasonable to want you to remain sleep-deprived.

DemonHeadmistress · 27/10/2015 16:36

Another thought, OP. Does your DH realise that it's quite common to sleep apart, and it doesn't mean you're weird or your relationship is failing? Look up Dr Neil Stanley sleep expert - he reckons most couples would be better off sleeping apart. He also recommends separating sleep and sex (i.e., "we can still have just as much sex if we sleep apart").

Sallystyle · 27/10/2015 16:46

I haven't slept with my husband for 8 years.

I love it! We go up together, have a cuddle or whatever and then he goes down to his room.

I let it slip to a woman at work who looked at me like I had two heads and couldn't understand it. It's quite easy really, we both need to sleep and we just can't do that in the same bed.

YANBU OP.

WoTmania · 27/10/2015 16:48

YANBU - you aren't getting enough sleep and can't function without it. If he has that much of an issue with your solution he can go to the Dr and he can sort the issues it's a bloody cheek expecting you to go (and what does he want or think they'll do? Put you on sleeping pills, that'll really help with TTC Hmm).

Marynary · 27/10/2015 17:00

I think that people are being unnecessarily harsh to OP's DH. A lot of people would be concerned about the effect of sleeping in a separate room on their relationship.
I also think that those who say he should just go to the doctor for medicines RLS are a bit clueless about it. The medicines are similar to those used in parkinson's diesase (although lower doses) and will have side effects. He should avoid alcohol, caffeine and practice good sleep hygiene but he doesn't need to see his GP for that.
I agree that he shouldn't be chatting to you when you are trying to sleep though.

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 17:14

Marynary "A lot of people would be concerned about the effect of sleeping in a separate room on their relationship."

and I will never understand why. In fact, I can really see how it would improve things. The other thing is different routines etc...

re RLS, he could try taking magnesium but I have heard a lot of people say nothing can be done for them. It's good that it's not bothering him - I know some people find it wakes them up.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 27/10/2015 17:17

Has he been to see the GP OP? I think if he wants to resolve this he at least needs to try and resolve the issue.

That's not entirely true Marynary - quinine is a possible treatment (either as tablets or tonic water). Some people find regular exercise and stretching helps enormously too.

Original poster
Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 17:24

Thanks for your responses. I agree that neither of us want to take any medication and it worrys me a bit that DH has such twitchy legs at night. I think we're going to have a chat and try and sort this out.

Thank you all for your thoughts - it's a relief to know I'm not the only one with sleep issues www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/1.gif.pagespeed.ce.Pm7krOc06b.gif

OP posts:
MirandaGoshawk · 27/10/2015 17:26
Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 17:42

It seems to me that if he wants to get you back in his bedroom he has to be prepared to meet you half way.

Agree with this

Marynary · 27/10/2015 17:44

lorelei9 I presume that they fear that there will be less intimacy if they are no longer sharing a bed. What is hard to understand about that?

He could try taking magnesium but there is no good evidence that it worked and it certainly didn't work for me.

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 17:49

I don't think this is a sleep issue, it's a relationship issue. His emotional needs trump your physical health, your job performance, your ability to relax and enjoy sleep, it seems, in his mind.

Marynary · 27/10/2015 17:50

That's not entirely true Marynary - quinine is a possible treatment (either as tablets or tonic water). Some people find regular exercise and stretching helps enormously too.

Quinine is for leg cramps, not restless legs. There is no evidence that it works for restless legs and even if it did work there isn't enough in quinine water nowadays.

I have already mentioned that exercise, avoiding alcohol, caffeine etc helps a bit but he doesn't need to see a GP for that.

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 17:50

Marynary " I presume that they fear that there will be less intimacy if they are no longer sharing a bed. What is hard to understand about that? "

I just think if you have intimacy, you have it - it won't matter who sleeps where and when.

Lack of sleep is guaranteed to lead to loss of intimacy, or it certainly was with me and sounds like the same with the OP.

Yes, magnesium isn't guaranteed, just thought I'd suggest it as it's one thing to try.

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 17:51

LeaLeander "I don't think this is a sleep issue, it's a relationship issue. His emotional needs trump your physical health, your job performance, your ability to relax and enjoy sleep, it seems, in his mind."

where's the "like" button?

Marynary · 27/10/2015 17:54

The restless legs - I had this and have cured it by diet: have him stop eating any type of gluten later than lunchtime. Might not work but it's a suggestion that can work for some people.

There is absolutely no evidence for that. It was probably just a coincidence that your restless legs went at the same time.

Marynary · 27/10/2015 17:56

I just think if you have intimacy, you have it - it won't matter who sleeps where and when.

That's probably true for some but not necessarily everyone. Regardless, it's an understandable fear, I think.

nokidshere · 27/10/2015 17:57

we have been sleeping apart for about 10 years. It's the best thing we ever did and has had no effect on our relationship or sex life at all.

We are totally incompatible when it comes to sleeping, as are many other people it seems. It sounds like you need to talk about sleep as a separate issue from relationship issues. It's just about sleep.

AndNowItsSeven · 27/10/2015 18:02

Su

NameChange30 · 27/10/2015 18:05

nokidshere
"It sounds like you need to talk about sleep as a separate issue from relationship issues. It's just about sleep."
But if he isn't respecting her need for a decent night's sleep, it is a relationship issue. I'm with LeaLeander on this.

Has he done anything to try and reduce his restless legs and getting up in the night, OP? And have you told him to stop talking at you when you're trying to sleep? Not that he should need telling

LineyReborn · 27/10/2015 18:10

I'm with LeaLeander too about it being a relationship issue.

Add to that the OP's tiredness at work and not being quite ready to meet her DP's request to start TTC - OP is I would guess feeling like she's on the way to stepping off a cliff.

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 18:15

Marynary "Regardless, it's an understandable fear, I think."

And I was much nicer to partners about it than I am being here Wink

thing is, it's hard to form sympathy for someone who has no respect at all for his partner's need for sleep. I don't know if some posters haven't RTFT but it's not just about restless legs and sleep - it's also about incessant chatting in spite of being asked to stop.

Marynary · 27/10/2015 18:15

Whilst I agree that OP probably does need to sleep in a separate room for a while, I am a bit irritated by the suggestion of some posters that the RLS is pretty much the DH's fault because (in their opinion) he hasn't done enough to "cure" it.

Marynary · 27/10/2015 18:23

thing is, it's hard to form sympathy for someone who has no respect at all for his partner's need for sleep. I don't know if some posters haven't RTFT but it's not just about restless legs and sleep - it's also about incessant chatting in spite of being asked to stop.

I have read the whole thread and yes I do agree that they need to sleep in separate rooms and he certainly shouldn't chat. However, I still sympathise with OP's DH (as well as OP) though but perhaps that is because I have RLS.

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