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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:

Garlick · 29/10/2015 22:42

Isn't it amusing how comments on one man's attitude to his wife have morphed into 'us women' hating men & thinking they're all abusive bastards?

I don't think I've ever heard a feminist say men are all the same, or all anything for that matter. We tend to recognise that people are individuals.

I do hear a lot of people saying feminists are all this & that, though, and that we're always saying nasty stuff about all men. But when I look - as on this thread - I see nothing of the sort.

Funny, that.

Garlick · 29/10/2015 22:44

Emma, you put it so much more concisely :)

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 22:45

Garlick I like to think of it as excellent teamwork

expatinscotland · 29/10/2015 22:48

Garlick and SGB, the voices of reason on this thread.

GreenFinnedDemon · 29/10/2015 22:50

What's TTC?

Garlick · 29/10/2015 22:50

And AnotherEmma! And expat

Garlick · 29/10/2015 22:50

Trying to conceive, Green.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:03

But those men who don't consider women to be human beings, or at least not proper, important human beings like men, behave as they do because of these centuries of propaganda that men are the owners, rather than the fellow humans, of women.

But in my opinion, the OP hasn't said anything that paints her DP as one of these men. It seems to me that many of you have this opinion of men in general and are therefore putting 2 and 2 together and making 500.

Person A acts in a manner that means that Person B cannot get enough sleep

He's not doing it on purpose. He has a condition. And yes he should see if anything can be done about this condition in order to improve the situation. I've already said that, but OP has never said that she has asked him to do that or that he won't.

Tell me again how Person A is a sweet, kind, harmless victim in this.

Pretty sure I haven't said that. Just not ready to call him a horrible abusive bastard either. And I can understand him being upset about his partner not wanting to sleep with him, because I would feel the same if it were me.

Now add, Person A is putting pressure on Person B to follow a course of action that will mean that Person B will have even less sleep

I could be wrong about this one - and I'm not going to go back and check - but I don't remember OP saying he was pressurizing her to have a baby - just that he wanted one and she wasn't sure she was ready yet.

If Person A was female and Person B was male I would tell the man to get the hell out of there. Why shouldn't I do the same if it was a woman?

Then that is fair enough. Same goes for me. I'd be saying the same thing if roles were reversed.

AnotherEmma Speaking of this thread only, there was definitely a turning point where people started to talk about what 'men' do in a general way and not about the OP's DP specifically. And as for other threads, if MN has a reputation for a lot of man hating posts, why do you think that is? A whole heap of people just making it up? For what purpose?

SlightlyAshamed1 · 29/10/2015 23:07

Notimefortossers repeatedly speaking to someone late/early when asked not to do so is not a medical condition.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 23:11

Notime

"He's not doing it on purpose. He has a condition."
Oh, a condition which makes him talk constantly until midnight and from 6am? Verbal diarrhoea is a medical condition now?!

"if MN has a reputation for a lot of man hating posts, why do you think that is? A whole heap of people making that up? For what purpose?"
Ah, let's see. It's because some ignorant people call feminists "man haters" to discredit and demonise them. They do this because feminists challenge the status quo, which some ignorant people find threatening.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:11

I believe the main issue in the OP was his restless leg syndrome. As for the chatting, she's never said she's addressed it with him. At the risk of making a generalized sweeping statement about . . . they do tend to need things spelling out for them ;)

I think even the OP is bored of her own thread at this point ;)

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 23:12

But not you, sadly.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 29/10/2015 23:12

Quote from OP 14:54

I do spend time with him in the evenings but he does not stop talking until past midnight so I often go to bed about 10pm. He also wakes early around 6am and starts chatting. When I ask him if he could just let me rest a bit longer he stops talking for about 5mins and then starts chatting again. If I don't answer he responds for me and just continues.

Whether he has a medical condition or not, or whether he is abusive or not, this isn't kind. I'm thinking particularly about If I don't answer he responds for me and just continues I don't know whether it is considered abusive, but it does sound very unpleasant and WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:14

Ah, let's see. It's because some ignorant people call feminists "man haters" to discredit and demonise them. They do this because feminists challenge the status quo, which some ignorant people find threatening.

Lol. Yeh ok. I'm sure that's what it is

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:17

But not you, sadly.

Nice. Now who's being bitchy? Not enjoying a bit of healthy debate AnotherEmma? Oh no sorry I forgot, disagreeing with you is not allowed. Shame on me.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 29/10/2015 23:17

Notimefortosssers How do you suggest that the OP gets more sleep?

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:21

SlightlyAshamed1 I think the OP's post you quote is open to interpretation. Doesn't necessarily mean he's abusive . . . he might just be an idiot ;) When she says 'Can I rest a bit longer?' He might think 5 mins IS a bit longer. If I were her I'd not be so subtle. I'd sit him down in the evening and say 'I can not abide you talking to me incessantly at 6am. I need my sleep. I do not feel healthy without it. Please leave me to sleep in the mornings and only begin a conversation when I have risen.' If he ignores that then it's a different matter.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:23

I suggested previously that her DP visits the doctor to see about his RLS, she speaks frankly with him about the chatting and that as a compromise she sleep with him at weekends when she doesn't have to work and can sleep as late as she wants in the morning - so that at least twice a week he gets the closeness he is craving. At the moment the OP IS getting enough sleep - he's just not happy with her solution to the problem

Garlick · 29/10/2015 23:25

definitely a turning point where people started to talk about what 'men' do in a general way and not about the OP's DP specifically.

Ahah!! I used to 'hear' this sometimes, when people were actually talking about patriarchy, or men-as-a-class-in-general. This is where you can reasonably say, for instance, that boys are given more encouragement into science-based careers than girls are. Obviously this is not true of every family, every school and every young person. But it's true overall, to an extent significant enough that half the world's governments are taking active steps to address it.

Saying this doesn't make me a boy-hater or an engineer-hater

I believe the main issue in the OP was his restless leg syndrome.

I've been thinking about this. If I were to pathologise him, and deliver an internet diagnosis, I'd say he might have ADHD. But that doesn't make people into overbearing twits who don't give a shit about their wives' mental & physical health. If he had the first condition but not the second, he'd go running or argue on internet forums when he can't sleep, like the rest of us.

There's no good excuse for what he's doing. There would be if he was a toddler, but toddlers are supposed to be self-obsessed. Adults aren't.

Garlick · 29/10/2015 23:30

I suggested previously that her DP visits the doctor to see about his RLS

She has. He refuses. He says she's the one with the problem.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:31

I didn't see that.

Garlick · 29/10/2015 23:33

No, you missed most of what Monkeys posted while frantically searching her replies for evidence of man-hating ...

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 23:33

He said she's "imagining" the problem. Otherwise known as gaslighting - a classic in the abuser's handbook.
Of course, he may not be abusive, but the red flags are there, and it doesn't hurt to point them out.
It doesn't make us "man haters" either.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 23:37

I read all of Monkeys posts and I'm not looking for evidence of man hating - there's no need to look for evidence. It's quite apparent.

I honestly can't talk to you people anymore. Well done. You've worn me out. Now you can all throw a party while I go hide this thread

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 23:39

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