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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:

PlymouthMaid1 · 27/10/2015 18:27

I feel for the OP. I can't sleep with anyone even breathing next to me, I find I start breathing to their rhythm and get all stressed out. Then you have the snoring, farting, fidgeting, being too hot or cold, getting up in middle of night GAH. I always sleep in another room. If he goes up at some time as me roughly, I get in with him for a while and then leave. I also like to read and struggle to sleep without that unwinding quiet time, he does not, it's lights straight out. I sleep like a log in a separate room.

Lack of sleep is a form of torture so any partner who insists that you suffer like that is an unreasonable git and I bet if the situation was reversed he would not 'suck it up'. You should go to the doctor?? About what FFS?

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2015 18:29

"I am a bit irritated by the suggestion of some posters that the RLS is pretty much the DH's fault because (in their opinion) he hasn't done enough to "cure" it."
I think it's more the fact that OP's DH doesn't actually accept it even happens - OP has said "He thinks that I'm 'imagining' he has twitchy legs."

TheFuzz · 27/10/2015 18:30

Similar situation here. I am the DH but we have no spare bed. I also have bad pain issues. I work full time and the lack of sleep is killing me and is fucking up my back.

We rarely share a bed.

TheFuzz · 27/10/2015 18:31

Restless legs is very difficult to treat. I am aware of it and it drives me chips

Marynary · 27/10/2015 18:39

I think it's more the fact that OP's DH doesn't actually accept it even happens - OP has said "He thinks that I'm 'imagining' he has twitchy legs."

Perhaps he is right not to accept it though. If he doesn't think he has RLS, he probably doesn't. Maybe OP just likes sleeping on her own and the "restless legs" is an excuse. She does say that she likes being own her own in the evenings. Who knows....

SolidGoldBrass · 27/10/2015 18:45

Hmm. So he won't let you sleep in peace, won't stop talking at you, is pushing you to have a baby despite the fact that you don't feel ready?
There are a lot of red flags here, particularly when you say that he is trying to insist on you sharing a room with him 'because it's normal' despite the suffering it causes you.

How does he feel about your job, OP? I wonder if he could be trying to sabotage it (given that you have had a warning about your tiredness and this still hasn't stopped this man demanding you accept sleep deprivation because otherwise his feelings are hurt). Does he often make a fuss if he doesn't get his own way? There are some men who really don't like the idea of their female partners having well-paid, enjoyable/demanding jobs: they feel a woman's main priority should always be the wellbeing of Her Man and therefore they will go out of their way to cause inconvenience of some kind which interferes with the woman's ability to do her job well.

TheoriginalLEM · 27/10/2015 18:55

I couldnt deal with DP sleeping in a separate room. I wouldn't be able to sleep. It can't do very much for the intamacy of your relationship?

marmitemofo · 27/10/2015 19:06

solidgold that is a lot of reading between the lines there!

NameChange30 · 27/10/2015 19:08

marmite it could be reading between the lines but I have to say I thought red flags too. I hope we're wrong, but with a man who tramples over his wife's needs to the extent that it affects her work performance.. It's worrying to say the least.

DeoGratias · 27/10/2015 19:09

The only thing he is really likely to be concerned about if not getting enough sex. How much sex does he get?

marmitemofo · 27/10/2015 19:13

But the thing is, I'm not sure he is 'trampling' over her needs. He is actually sleeping in a separate room. He has tried sleeping in a separate bed on the same room. Ops original post says he's frustrated at being apart. I think its probably quite normal for him to feel that way.

OP didn't say that DH had actually said he wants to sleep in the same bed as 'that's normal' but that that's her interpretation of it. Its sounds to me like DH is a bit clueless and thoughtless but trying to suggest that he is deliberately trying to sabotage her job seems a bit over reaching, imo

ijustwannadance · 27/10/2015 19:21

I have been an insomniac since hitting puberty and a night owl. Until having a child worked lates and could catch up on days off etc. I am now in a constant state of exhaustion. The only thing that helps is having a spare room to send DP to when I need shut the door and be on my own. He is never offended because he understands that it isn't about him.
He sleeps like a baby and nothing disturbs him. He has to set his alarm on loud which means if up at 5 or 6 then so am I. If my DD in next room so much as coughs it wakes me up. Once dragged out of a deep sleep I can't drop off again like he can so I'm fucked. It makes me narky, prone to being ill, over emotional, feel like my brain has dissolved etc.
I cannot understand for the life of me why your DP thinks it is acceptable to wake up at 6 and start chatting to you. Have you never just told him to shut the fuck up or fuck off out of bed if he has finished sleeping? He is being a selfish knob.

But from the sounds of it you are using it as a bit of an excuse to avoid your DP. Maybe he chats shit at 6 am because it's the only time you are together?

pointythings · 27/10/2015 19:26

DH and I are sleeping apart more often - he snores like a sawmill - mostly age related though if he has one more drink than normal it's worse. We both work f/t, I need my sleep and we have a spare room - it works for us.

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 19:31

SoldGoldBrass nailed it.

Lovemyjimjams · 27/10/2015 19:32

OP this may sound stupid, but another friend also had something called RLS (restless leg syndrome) and it kept her awake all night every night. She eventually was recommended taking baths\ soaking feet in magnesium salts (from health store) and the problem has all but disappeared. Worth a try?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 27/10/2015 20:03

OP I'm. Or addressing your original question so I hope you don't mind me saying but my partner has restless legs at times. We researched the issue and he finds a small can of tonic water (containing quinine) really helps. Enough for him to sleep.

I believe Epsom salt baths can help too - it's the magnesium I think. He hasn't had the patience to try this but I believe some swear by it.

All the best anyway. For what it's worth separate bedrooms (as long as the relationship is healthy and both people are happy) sounds like living the dream to me!

Ilovetorrentialrain · 27/10/2015 20:04

X post to some extent with lovemyjimjams!

80sMum · 27/10/2015 20:13

I agree with what Letustryagain said
".... our marriage would be more at risk if we shared a bed because I would resent him because I couldn't sleep."

Notimefortossers · 27/10/2015 20:15

marmitemofo You are the voice of reason, but rest yourself. You won't win with the MN man haters. I'm surprised no one's said LTB yet

Morganly · 27/10/2015 21:08

Hmmm, I'm trying not to be the first to say LTB, because I don't think he is a B, but I actually don't think you like him, or at least you're not compatible as housemates. Everything he does annoys you and you are sleeping in another room in order to get away from him. We all need our space sometimes and it's normal to find some of our partner's habits and quirks a bit irritating but to be actively avoiding him on a regular basis so early in the relationship doesn't sound healthy to me.

Gabilan · 27/10/2015 21:15

If someone kept me awake until after midnight by chatting, woke me up by getting up for a pee and then started chatting again at 6am I'd have to leave if only to avoid a criminal record.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 27/10/2015 21:27

The doctor won't help with one pee in the night - once is considered normal.

Crinkle77 · 27/10/2015 21:34

I can sympathise OP. I am a very light sleeper and have just moved in with my partner 6 months ago and hate sharing a bed. My partner makes a lot of noise. He doesn't snore but breathes very heavily, moves a lot and lies in the middle of the bed. I wear ear plugs which help but I just don't sleep well. I have to put up with it cos there is no spare room. I stayed in my mums last night as I was visiting for a couple of days and it was bliss. Bed to myself and sleeping with no ear plugs.

TheFuzz · 27/10/2015 22:45

Magnesium doesn't help my RLS. Biggest issue is temperature, but having been on pain meds mine is worse.

If you have spare rooms then it's OK. Bit awkward with one on a settee

Marynary · 27/10/2015 23:00

We researched the issue and he finds a small can of tonic water (containing quinine) really helps. Enough for him to sleep.

Not sure what research you did but quinine is for leg cramps not restless leg syndrome. There is very little quinine in tonic water nowadays anyway.

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