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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 15:37

OP, I missed your middle update

if you're not read to TTC, you're not ready - and why on earth would you need to find a new job?! bit Confused

loving the pp suggestion of gimp mask and ankle weights Grin

ApplePaltrow · 27/10/2015 15:38

It sounds like you are backing away from him because of things about his personality that irritate you (his chatting and not giving you space) rather than because of his restless legs.

I would be honest with him in marriage counseling because it sounds like he's correct that this isn't about the sleep. If you create distance as a solution to marital problems, your marriage is not likely to last.

Scoobydoo8 · 27/10/2015 15:40

Perhaps you should postpone the TTC - do you really want to live with an incessant chatterer for every more??

Why is he chatting til past midnight. Why isn't he glued to a screen like everyone else?

When do you have sex by the way? If it's early morning why don't you sleep separately then move in with him in the night or early morning, or he with you.

YOu could do to meditate during the day so that you are calmer and hopefully better at sleeping in the night.

Kerberos · 27/10/2015 15:40

I would love my own bedroom. But I can't admit that out loud as DP would be upset and would take it as a rejection. I would just like my own space that's all.

gleam · 27/10/2015 15:41

The incessant chatting would probably drive me insane!

Thurlow · 27/10/2015 15:44

Seriously, what does he say when you mention that chatting while you're trying to sleep is not on?

helenahandbag · 27/10/2015 15:49

Why on earth does he chat so much?! I couldn't bear that, it would drive me up the wall Confused

suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 15:52

you cant sleep because he wont keep still and shut up, but when you try to arrange things so that you can sleep he gets huffy and makes it all about him

do you really want to have a child with a man who cant act like a grown up?

If you do I suspect you will find yourself with 2 children...a baby and a big whiny man-toddler

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2015 15:59

If he actually has RLS there are meds that might help. If he's young, maybe he should cut liquids in the early evening and be sure to completely empty his bladder before bed? As far as the chatterboxing, that's just rude.

DH was a snorer. OMG he sounded like the midnight express rumbling through the bedroom. I remember nights in tears because I couldn't get to sleep. It took heart trouble on his part to finally get it seen to, God bless whoever invented the CPAP!

OP, tell him that he needs to get himself to the GP about the RLS, and a prostate check if reducing liquids doesn't help the pee problem. After all, you've solved the 'problem' to your content. If he doesn't like your solution, he needs to see what he can do to change it!

For the chatterboxing, I recommend a shotgun (not really!!!)

Garlick · 27/10/2015 15:59

do you really want to have a child with a man who cant act like a grown up?

This! I was all "six of one, half a dozen of the other" until I came to the bit about waking you up for chats at dawn, only shutting up for five minutes and then resuming both sides of the conversation himself! Are you married to a three-year-old? Shock

marmitemofo · 27/10/2015 16:03

wow some of these responses are being super harsh on the OPs DH! I think it would be very hurtful if my DP decided he wanted space from me/not to sleep next to me/that my very existence in the room at night was offensive - which tbh is how you're sounding OP.

As others have said, it sounds to me like you have a problem with DH, not with DH's/your sleep. I'm not surprised he's upset as if I can pick up on this from two or three posts you've put on here, I'm sure he's picked up on it too.

To those saying OPs sleep is more important than her DH's feelings.. I disagree. I don't think he is being too needy or like a toddler, for example. Rather, I think OP is making lots of excuses to distance herself from him and he has picked up on that and feels rejected/upset as a result. It sounds like there are much deeper issues going on here than just OP needing sleep/being a light sleeper.

gamerchick · 27/10/2015 16:07

Ive heard it fucking all now Hmm

Yes OP his feelings are more important than you sleeping and all the crap that goes with not getting enough rest.! Suck it up princess Hmm

marmitemofo · 27/10/2015 16:11

I'm not saying suck it up, but jesus she is being a bit unreasonable - she can't even sleep in the same room as another person, in a separate bed? Hmm FYI op, if DH bothers you with chatting, you could invest in some ear plugs and eye mask. My DP generally goes to sleep later than me, and I wear an eye mask so as not to be bothered by any light etc.

and yes, OP, for god's sake don't have children. If you are not able to cope with sleeping in the same room as an adult, you will not be able to cope with a sleep sucking monster small baby/toddler.

Original poster
Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 16:12

Haha to the gimp mask & midnight express!!

I have been so unsure about the TTC and told him I'm not ready.

I think he has romanticised it all which is sweet but has an unrealistic view of what having a baby would be like. To be fair he would probably cope better than me as he is always calm but I think it's better that I'm honest with him.

I think he just wants to conform to the norm of sleeping in a double bed but for the sake of me being a bad tempered ball of rage and losing my cognitive abilities I just don't think it's worth it.

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 16:13

who wouldnt want to distance themselves from a man who blithely subjects you to sleep deprivation and then complains about how hurt he is when you object

suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 16:17

conform to the norm of sleeping in a double bed
yes you are supposed to worship you husband so much that you will sacrifice sleep just to lie next to him all night

never mind that disturbed sleep is detrimental to your health and you feel like death warmed up all day just so long as he has an obedient wife who conforms and does what hubby wants

Judydreamsofhorses · 27/10/2015 16:18

We quite often sleep in separate beds. My DH snores like a buffalo, and even with earplugs (which I wear every night) sometimes I just need a decent kip, and we always do if one of us is ill. We always try to sleep together on a Friday and Saturday night unless it's really not practical - for example one of us is dying with a cold and coughing all night, or has to get up for a 6am flight - and I think this is a good compromise, although most weeks we probably sleep 5/6 nights out of seven together. In terms of wanting your own space, OP, I totally get that and don't think it's unusual at all. We always eat dinner together but often do our own thing after that. If DH had to sit through my soap operas he'd go nuts, similarly I couldn't stomach wall to wall Sky Sports.

OOAOML · 27/10/2015 16:18

If OP lets him chatter till gone midnight and then start again at 6 that is already less than 6 hours of sleep. If we assume that she cannot get to sleep straight away, and is then woken by him getting up to pee - when are either of them sleeping? This is not about hurt feelings, this is about consistently not getting enough sleep. Which is bad for health, and very dangerous in terms of driving, operating machinery etc.

He is not letting her sleep. She is being driven to sleep separately because of this. Honestly, I know a lot of people on MN are into the whole joined at the hip, only joint socialising, never being apart, but to say people are being harsh on the DH is bloody ridiculous. Unless people actually believe the needs and wishes of one person in a relationship should contstantly be sacrificed to avoid the risk of hurting the other person's feelings.

marmitemofo · 27/10/2015 16:21

never mind that disturbed sleep is detrimental to your health and you feel like death warmed up all day just so long as he has an obedient wife who conforms and does what hubby wants

hahahahaha this thread has turned into a windup. seriously? like seriously? Hmm

OP your idea that he just wants to conform sounds like minimisation to me. He's perfectly entitled to feel hurt that you seem to want to place physical distance between you. You're perfectly entitled to value your sleep over his feelings. Just don't pretend its something it's not.

NameChange30 · 27/10/2015 16:22

"he does not stop talking until past midnight so I often go to bed about 10pm. He also wakes early around 6am and starts chatting. When I ask him if he could just let me rest a bit longer he stops talking for about 5mins and then starts chatting again. If I don't answer he responds for me and just continues."

Oh Lord. He sounds completely inconsiderate and exhausting.

I hope you're using very effective contraception because getting pregnant by this "man" would be a terrible mistake.

Did you say you're getting couple's therapy? If not you should.

marmitemofo · 27/10/2015 16:23

and OP - perhaps you should go to the doctor. Not for DH, but to discuss whether stress may also be causing you to sleep poorly (speaking from experience, I have had serious insomnia in the past due to stress).

DemonHeadmistress · 27/10/2015 16:28

I don't know the answer OP, but am in an almost identical situation myself (except it's snoring rather than restless legs for us). I know DH feels hurt sometimes, and I often feel terrible about it.

DemonHeadmistress · 27/10/2015 16:31

Letustryagain, sounds just like us.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2015 16:31

The restless legs and needing a pee he can't really help

the chatting incessantly while you're trying to sleep, he can totally help - I tink that is beyond selfish

WTF is he whittering on about at midnight and 6am?

peggyundercrackers · 27/10/2015 16:32

if your a light sleeper get ear plugs - they are wonderful, you don't hear a thing.