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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should go 'out out' less when you are a mum?

234 replies

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 20:31

I've got two friends who still love to go out loads even though they've got kids. One is a single mum and whilst I can see where she might need the release it means she asks friends to have her DS A LOT, often overnight or even for a couple of days. The other has a DP, but told me tonight that her DD (4) still cries every single time she goes out . . . which by her own admission is A LOT! I can't help feeling sorry for the kids! They're only little for such a short time and they need there Mama's don't they?
My DH and I used to be quite the party animals, but it's mostly stopped since we've had kids. We still relish going out when we do (probably about 3 times a year and usually for something we feel we have to go to like a wedding, birthday work event etc or sometimes because we REALLY need it!) . . . AIBU to think that once you've had kids you ought to dial it down and do what's best for them? We've got years of going out still ahead of us when they're grown!
How often do others go out? Maybe I'm the weird one! x

OP posts:
itsraininginbaltimore · 02/09/2015 20:33

I don't disagree with you in the least.

Hulababy · 02/09/2015 20:33

What about dads?

XCChamps · 02/09/2015 20:35

There has to be a balance, so it depends how much is "a lot" but I actually think that parents who always put DC ahead of themselves and their realtionships are cause just as many problems as those who never do.

passmethewineplease · 02/09/2015 20:36

Why is your post aimed at mums? Confused

PippaPug · 02/09/2015 20:37

So your logic as soon as a woman gives birth she turns into Mummy forever and a day and can't go out anymore?!

Tiggeryoubastard · 02/09/2015 20:37

What is 'a lot'?

ghostyslovesheep · 02/09/2015 20:37

be a shame if we where all the same hey? maybe just let them get on with their lives without the judging

are Dads expected to stay home as well?

BasinHaircut · 02/09/2015 20:38

You want all mums to only go out 3 times a year?

How do you define 'going out'?

I certainly go out less than before I had DS but I try to maintain my life as an individual/part of a couple as much as I can. I think it's healthy to not become all consumed by just being a mum (or dad)

HackerFucker22 · 02/09/2015 20:38

I don't go out a lot. I have a 7 month old who is still pretty much ebf (weaning has commenced but she hasn't reduced her feeds yet). DP and I have had 2 nights out since she was born and I've had one evening out with friends whilst DP had baby .... although my lovely friends came to my local so I was able to nip home and give baby a feed and then pop back out for a glass of wine when she was asleep.

It's completely my choice..baby isn't keen on bottles so I am never out for long or far away.

However DS was bottle fed and I was out once every few weeks with friends. Never out on the lash well maybe once or twice but I soon learned my lesson
DP and I only went out together a handful of times though (leaving him with granny). We just used to take turns to go out though?

RaspberryOverload · 02/09/2015 20:39

I agree it's all about the balance, and Dads are equal parents, so I'd expect them to "dial it down" in equal proportion.

I never went out masssively before DCs, but I certainly didn't stop going out on a regular basis.

HackAttack · 02/09/2015 20:40

My dh and I have Saturday nights off, in laws have them from the evening to the early afternoon the day after. The kids love it so I don't see the harm. We get one grown up night and they get spoiled. I think any more than that would be excessive though.

NewLife4Me · 02/09/2015 20:40

I go out all the time, so does dh but his is also work.
Do you mean they go to a pub or club? Would it make any difference if they were working and friends were minding dc overnight.
And.... I have to say this. What has it got to do with you?

wankerchief · 02/09/2015 20:40

Mummy martyrs.

Sleepybunny · 02/09/2015 20:40

I have lots of mum and dad friends who still love going out and do it often.

I agree with you though, I think my DC needs mum or dad at home for stability. Not to say that we don't all deserve a night off! But you're right they're only little for a short while and won't always need you in that way.

What make me feel sadder is when one parent is too hungover to do anything the following day as well. If it's happening often that is.

ruddynorah · 02/09/2015 20:40

What do you mean by 'out'? Drinking? Dinner? Theatre? Or just anything away from the children? I couldn't only go out 3 times a year. There's so much I love to do, not all of it is for or with my children.

StrawberryMouse · 02/09/2015 20:41

We are early thirties, have two young children and still have a busy social life. We don't go clubbing or anything but often go to bars, parties, to watch bands etc. We feel it's important to still have space to be the people we were before we had children. Just because I have given birth doesn't mean I should be tucked up in bed by 9pm every night. Grin

When we go out though, we put our children to bed at 7pm as normal and mil or dm comes over afterwards to babysit. They are good sleepers and I don't think they even realise we are gone tbh. We can afford it, we don't get in the kind of states where we are hungover and useless the next day and we enjoy it. Where is the harm?

ComposHatComesBack · 02/09/2015 20:41

Well done op have your mummy martyr's medal. If their children are looked after and they are not foisting the children on you, it is precisely none of your business.

CheekyMaleekey · 02/09/2015 20:41

YABU, there's nothing wrong with either parent going out while DC are in bed and babysat.

NoDramaForTheLlama · 02/09/2015 20:42

I go out, sometimes once a month sometimes it's 3 times in a week. I always put my DC to bed before I go and I'm always there in the morning. I don't really see the problem as tbh they're asleep anyway so whether I'm in the house or not is not something they're aware of.

emsyj · 02/09/2015 20:42

How much is 'a lot'? I think going out 3 times a year would send me bananas pretty fast. I have an active social life (not clubbing til 5am, stuff like dinner and drinks/crochet club/evening class/drinks after work etc) and I am out probably twice a week at least, although DH would be here with the kids when I'm not. He is out a similar amount. We probably go out together once a month/every other month, it varies. I think parents need to have a life beyond their kids - your kids aren't responsible for keeping you busy and happy, making them feel that they are is a negative thing IMO.

pillowaddict · 02/09/2015 20:44

I'm out regularly and much more than dh but I also socialise a lot with family so my dc tend to be part of the plans, out for lunch etc. I also go out alone with friends, or sometimes after they're in bed. I am on mat leave and have pnd and anxiety issues, and need the time to myself. Luckily I have a very supportive dh and friends and family who aren't as judgemental as you. I love my dc but I also need me time! And they definitely don't suffer for it.

gamerwidow · 02/09/2015 20:45

I haven't been out out much since dd was born 5 years ago because I'm too bloody knackered. I think more power to these women who are managing to juggle kids and an active social life. My dd is usually in bed by 8pm as I suspect theirs are too. What does it matter who is there while the dc are sleeping as long as it's a responsible trusted adult.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 20:45

Yes Dad's too. My DH . . . bless him! . . . barely goes out now. I think I just put mum's because I'm one and the person that got me thinking about it is one!
Dunno! I just thought what had happened to us was normal, but starting to realise maybe it's not!! it's not like we made a conscious effort to stop going out . . . that's just the way it is!
I agree it's important still to nurture your relationship . . . for the kids too! But I guess what has slipped off the radar for me since I had kids are my friendships . . . just don't feel I've got time for them and would feel guilty leaving my DH in with them all the time and feel our relationship would suffer for that . . . and wouldn't want to leave them with grandparents or friends all the time because I just feel they're my kids, my responsibility! x

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 02/09/2015 20:45

It depends on how much time, overall, you are with and interact with your children and who they are left with.

My DH worked away from home, so when he was home, he was with our DDs. He probably spent less time with them than the Women you mention, though, but he was a good parent and they were close.

A SAHP, could easily fit in going out a few times a week and their children wouldn't miss out, a full time working parent, not so much.

My youngest is 17, I'd say to all Mums, try to maintain your friendships/hobbies and your sense of self.

nottheOP · 02/09/2015 20:46

For me, out out = hangover. I go to weddings, work dos, birthday meals but just out out is a couple of times a year. Hangover with a sprog isn't worth it.

DH is the same. We mainly entertain at ours