To think you should go 'out out' less when you are a mum?

[Notimefortossers]

I've got two friends who still love to go out loads even though they've got kids. One is a single mum and whilst I can see where she might need the release it means she asks friends to have her DS A LOT, often overnight or even for a couple of days. The other has a DP, but told me tonight that her DD (4) still cries every single time she goes out . . . which by her own admission is A LOT! I can't help feeling sorry for the kids! They're only little for such a short time and they need there Mama's don't they?
My DH and I used to be quite the party animals, but it's mostly stopped since we've had kids. We still relish going out when we do (probably about 3 times a year and usually for something we feel we have to go to like a wedding, birthday work event etc or sometimes because we REALLY need it!) . . . AIBU to think that once you've had kids you ought to dial it down and do what's best for them? We've got years of going out still ahead of us when they're grown!
How often do others go out? Maybe I'm the weird one! x

He's not crap, he's just not as good as me! Lol!

What is this thing about Netmums/Nethuns? I'm new to all this mum forum posting so I don't get it? But I heard someone mention something like that on another thread too

Notimefortossers

I don't think the issue here is you going out.

What exactly did your DH say was the effect on you as a couple and your family unit from your Ann Summer parties?

I take it he didn't have any problem with spending the earnings?

Did he actually explain what he thought the effect was, or was it just a vague "this isn't working for us"? Because the end result is that you now seem quite isolated from your friendships, going by your own posts.

I've been thinking about this lately, I've actually been getting a bit down. I've lost myself a bit being content to look after my dc all the time and it's catching up with me that I'm running out of things to say when I meet with people, I've become boring.
My attitude was that I wanted dc for years before I had one, and I was bored stiff of pubs, meals, clubs it was just same old, I really needed my life to be about someone else I was over myself. I appreciate how quickly it flies by, I have nannied others kids from baby till school age and I knew it goes so fast but pubs will still be there when dc is older.
But now my child is 3 and a half it really hits home when I meet with someone I haven't seen in a while and they do the "whats new?" I always say "nothing new" and I really mean it, its so fucking sad, I've been single since before my child was born and I love everything about my ds, he is funny, well behaved and dead easy I cant even empathize with alot of problems my friends have with their dc so I know I am so lucky, but fuck me I am a bore. I wanted to embrace motherhood as a different time in my life and turn in the things I had done to death before him, but actually I think I might need them I think I should start trying to go out child free again, I want to have a reason to look nice and go to places other people are sometimes.
I agree a chaotic life of sleepovers somewhere different every week is not reasonable, especially if dc don't see parents enough during the week, but as for the dd who cries every time I know it's not a popular theory but children do manipulate with tears.

No time... were similar, and i didnt realise that unusual. I think most of my mum friends are similar. Maybe the odd night out every now and then if parents are nearby type of thing.

Some of the much younger mums seem to have babysitting on tap and do go out a lot, away etc but i dont know them as well so dont really know.

To be honest we wouldnt have the money to eat out every week and pay a babysitter! Id love a social life though,

Like Beaufort Elle says you are very lucky to have date nights once a week.

There is no way we could have done this.

I don't understand your dh attitude to you working 2 nights a week. It seems very controlling, do you work op?

I personally don't care how often anyone goes out.

I was a sham when my dc were young.
We never had date nights.
I didn't go out drinking much.

I turned down more social events than I could count.

I felt envious of people with good childcare arrangements.

Now I go out when I want to.

You really cannot beat a night in a hotel room with a guy you adore though.

I don't know you, STOP KISSING ME!

DS is 17 months old and since he was born I have been out three times: the 1st time was my works Christmas party and I was only out for 3 hours, the 2nd time was when me and DH went for something to eat to celebrate our anniversary and the 3rd time was when I went to the cinema with my mom and sister

I spend a night away from work each week but that is because of work and obviously DS is home with DH.

Me and DH are supposed to be going away for the weekend at the end of the month for a wedding but I'm dreading the thought of leaving him overnight. I think I will just stay sober and drive us home

YABU.

I stopped having a big social life years ago, due to family illness and other problems. I'm now pregnant, and the idea of pretty much giving up any more "me time" is awful. Everyone needs something for themselves. Either to relax, to remember their individuality, to avoid becomeing just "mummy" (worst nightmare right there), to have something other than family to talk about, so many reasons. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't want to be a parent, not to realise that another human needs me around and just "doing what I want, when I want", is out - planning and knowing I may have to give up those plans as well, it's all part of the parcel.

You cannot say "you will have the time when the kids are grown" - sadly I've known too many people lose their life young (under 50). You cannot put your life on pause completely, you'll suffocate yourself.There are parents out there who perhaps go out "too much", but I believe those are few and far between. Even fewer do it due to not caring about their children. Just remember - one day, those children will be grown. Don't get so involved in raising your children that the day they don't "need" you anymore, you realise that you've lost yourself along the way.

Raspberry Overload . . . that was an epiphany I wasn't ready for and wasn't expecting from starting this thread! Need to think on that one.

RabbitsaysWoof . . . I feel for you. I get it. I started this thread with a very different opinion not that long ago . . . but I'm starting to realise that even if I made a resolve with myself to start taking more time for me and going out more . . . I don't know where I'd start! Who I'd call or what I'd even want to do??!

It is also coupled with the fact that a couple of members of my old friendship group have been pretty shitty to me so I don't really wanna be around them anyway, and have stopped getting invited places and stuff

I know a woman with very similar views to you OP.

She's very lonely, and probably riddled with anxiety, and disguises this by passing judgement on others, due to discontentment in her own life.

It's okay to pull back on the social scene when DC's are little bit as they get a bit older, it's quite unhealthy to allow them to think that the world revolves around them. It's hardly good preparation for the real world, which won't be nearly as kind.

Plus, if you raise your children well and they are independent at 18, where does that leave you?

I also bf as did a lot of friends then, we just didnt leave them. I then moved house and guess i got used to it. It does seem unusual to me to be ablt to go out a lot. Money for babysitters each week and activities adds up doesnt it and i guess most of our money goes on the kids. We're average income i guess too.

We didnt have sleepers either, im in pjs early most evenings (as seemed normal by that pj thread!) I giess thisnthread attracts those going out just as reading threads attract off the scheme kids.,,

OP, I was about to add that if you don't want to go out, fine, but don't criticise those who do, which is how your post came across, especially as you said " should" go out less.

Now I suspect there are other issues with you though...maybe that's why you posted and it's not what you really think.

Massively jealous now of those with good childcare and the money and energy to go out!

My kids are still small in my opinion and there's not really been a time since I had my oldest 7 years ago where I haven't had what I would call 'a baby' or been pregnant. They are nearly 7, 4 and 7 months. I don't think I'm isolated by any means. I just socialize differently, like gassing with the mums at the toddler groups and the playground!
Years ago I would have said my DH was possibly controlling, but not now . . . but maybe that's because my behaviour is more acceptable to him now?

lorelei9 . . . I think this thread has unearthed things in me that I hadn't expected it to . . . but I do still think that people with small children shouldn't go out just as much as they did before the kids, especially if it affects the kids negatively. As a PP said, there are far too many factors though to give a definitive answer as to what's right and wrong. What is right and wrong anyway?

My two year old often sometimes cries if I go to sleep the toilet when he is getting close to bedtime and he is tired.

Should I stop doing that too?

I probably go out 20ish times a year for dinner (and sometimes a few drinks) with friends. I need this and would be very unhappy without it.

Dh goes out a similar number of times a year but rarely "out" - usually to play his sport - once a week or so during the winter season. He is an ex-international at his sport so again to give up completely (he's made the decision to not play at county level until the kids are older and he's a "veteran" and so can get in the county first team again).

Since ds was born 2 years ago we've only been out 3 times as a couple (and probably only 10 times since dd was born) due to lack of babysitters. However the last time my parents stayed it was a "big" wedding anniversary for the two of us so we cautiously asked them to babysit and went out. It went brilliantly - kids went to bed much easier for them than for us little buggers and we had a lovely time so parents have offered to do it whenever they visit. I've been very nervous of having people babysit as I worry about both the kids and them but it has occurred to me that me and Dh staying together will probably benefit them more than pretty much any.thing else we can possibly do so we need to do as much as possible to ensure that our relationship stays happy.

Re:- "date night at home" - I'm sure that works brilliantly if you have good sleepers. We don't. And they have a sixth sense for when we really want them to get to sleep at a decent hour. And don't. I remember one "date night at home" involved eating our lovely sophisticated Chinese takeaway with Dh bouncing on a birthing ball holding (then) baby ds trying to get him to sleep. And another when we watched a film "together" with me watching the second half of it on the iPad with headphones on in ds's bedroom whilst singing "incy wincy spider". Oh and the time when we got to eat the (dried out, slightly burnt) "romantic meal" at 10:35pm.

I think lack of energy is the main reason I go out, followed by having very limited options for someone to look after DS.

Main reason I dont go out

Nb I don't sleep in the toilet. I just go to the toilet close to the time that ds is ready to go to sleep. (As I will be trapped in a room with him for anything up to three hours so it is imperative that I don't start off desperate for a wee.) And can't type.

Years ago I would have said my DH was possibly controlling, but not now . . . but maybe that's because my behaviour is more acceptable to him now?

Sounds to me like he's completely worn you down into a shadow of what you used to be.

And you are frantically trying to make yourself think that you are ok with this by judging those who have the freedom to choose differently.

Yes I'd say you are doing his job of controlling you yourself. Was it because you were working when he was at home? Shoe on the other foot. Does he run sleepover mum down too? Do either of you slag off the boy's dad?
You don't have to babysit, but please don't judge. We all have different circumstances. A little bit of empathy goes a long way. I would kiss you but you could be any fucker.

Yeh I don't know if that's true or not. Will take me a lot of soul searching to really answer that one. I will think about it though. Maybe try going out a bit more and see how he responds to that. At the time I was doing Ann Summers I was working Mon-Weds doing night shifts in a care home so I would sleep from 7pm when DD1 went to bed till 10pm when I went to work. Then I'd be out Fri and Sat for AS, so I think his argument was that we hardly had any time together.
But you are right in that for whatever reason, DH or just thrown myself into being a mum to 3 young kids too much or both . . . I am a shadow of what I used to be. Much more introverted. I thought I'd just grown up, but maybe not. I honestly don't know now.
No my DH really likes my friend who leaves her son with us and doesn't say anything about it and his dad's not in the picture

I don't slag her off either . . . before today these were just thoughts in my head . . . not voiced to anyone, even him

Mumoftwo, glad you cleared that up, if your son cried because you slept in the lol, I'd totally side with him

Ava, your post made me lol because there is a regular poster here called AnyFucker....

OP, are you the person who put kisses on work emails by mistake? My boss has done that to me. Luckily I didn't see it harrassment