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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should go 'out out' less when you are a mum?

234 replies

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 20:31

I've got two friends who still love to go out loads even though they've got kids. One is a single mum and whilst I can see where she might need the release it means she asks friends to have her DS A LOT, often overnight or even for a couple of days. The other has a DP, but told me tonight that her DD (4) still cries every single time she goes out . . . which by her own admission is A LOT! I can't help feeling sorry for the kids! They're only little for such a short time and they need there Mama's don't they?
My DH and I used to be quite the party animals, but it's mostly stopped since we've had kids. We still relish going out when we do (probably about 3 times a year and usually for something we feel we have to go to like a wedding, birthday work event etc or sometimes because we REALLY need it!) . . . AIBU to think that once you've had kids you ought to dial it down and do what's best for them? We've got years of going out still ahead of us when they're grown!
How often do others go out? Maybe I'm the weird one! x

OP posts:
Ifiwasabadger · 04/09/2015 15:59

I woul be miserable if I went out 3 times a year like the OP!

DH and I go out one night together every single week.

Then we each have a night out with friends each week whilst the other holds the fort. This week I've had girlfriends visiting so I'm on my third night out of the week. I'm going out dancing and I can't wait. I will put DD to bed, then DH is on duty. DD will never know I've been gone.

It's important for me to retain some of my identity as a woman, a friend and a wife, not just be a mother. My marriage and sanity could not be held together with 3 nights out a year!

So, YABU.

FrenchJunebug · 04/09/2015 16:16

I am a single mum and whilst I went out less because I was knackered I continued to go out on my own even when DS was a baby. I need it to remain sane and my DS having a sane mother is very important Smile Also I have become a mother but I do remain a woman and do not think it would healthy for me or my DS if my life was revolving solely around him.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/09/2015 16:41

Op I'm really surprised you were reported and hope it hasn't put you off - in a world-first for mumsnet, you have actually listened to people's views and changed some of your thinking and that never happens Grin

I go out a lot, probably once a week on average though sometimes much more. My mum has dS once a fortnight so DH and I can go out, the rest of the time Ds is with DH. DH doesn't really like socialising so that all works out quite well for us.

I come from a small family and have a small family. Our friends are enrich not only our lives, but ds's too. I can't show him what it's like to be part of a big family, but I can show him what it's like to be part of a big gang of lovely people who tease each other, laugh, cook together, do bad dancing, argue over who gets to do the bbq, etc etc. friends bring so much to my life and I make a real effort to nurture my friendships.

futureme · 04/09/2015 17:13

Im so envious that so many people have family nearby that have their kids regularly, never mind overnight!

We arent in that situation!

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2015 17:20

How do people find time or energy to go out more than once a week?

Artandco · 04/09/2015 17:25

Stealth - it's not that difficult. Typical day we are all out 8am-7pm. From 7pm dh and I are both free so can either go out separately with the other home with children, or get a babysitter and go out together. It's not always full night out until midnight, majority of the time it's just an hours gym/ yoga/ glass wine with friend/ wander around shops, most the time we would be home by 9/9.30.

Jw35 · 04/09/2015 17:30

I think 3 times a year is nothing! I agree with your post to a certain extent but I also think it's tough trying to balance responsibility and having fun. I think parents who go out regularly and get wasted are probably missing a lot during the following day. I also would assume they had problems if it was always going out to get hammered. I don't go out much, I'm mid 30's with a baby, im just too tired! ????

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2015 17:30

It must be a mental thing combined with where you live - if you live somewhere you can go shopping or whatever. Once I'm in for the night it takes a lot to get me out. Especially when it's dark and cold.

drinkscabinet · 04/09/2015 17:56

Stealth, do you never go to an evening class/the gym? My Mum lives in the far north of Scotland in the middle of nowhere and she's out all the time (plus doing masses of babysitting for my DB)!

OP, I think people are being a bit harsh if your youngest is only 7 months. We went out a bit when the kids were tiny (but not at all until our eldest was nearly a year, due to a complete lack of babysitters at that point. This was not through choice!) but it's really only since our youngest (of three) turned 2 that I've started going to the gym again regularly. Trouble is as they get older the kids start demanding they go to after school events so we now have 2 evenings a week when the older two are doing stuff, and Saturday is taken up with swimming. DH and I have to fit exercise into the gaps between the kids events, I really think there's a demand for exercise classes later in the evening for those of us who have small children. Most start before 7.30 round here and I've been trying to start doing Zumba with a friend for ages and she just can't make it (she's still BFing her youngest before bed).

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2015 18:32

No I don't. DH has just got in and all I want to do us get the dcs to bed and collapse. I could if I really wanted to now he's back but I suppose as I'm not in the habit of it it seems like a big hassle.

ZanyMobster · 04/09/2015 18:36

There is a huge difference between continuing as if you were still free and single and having a healthy work/child/life balance. I feel like DH and I have a strong relationship, we do lots together, spend lots of time with the DCs but also do stuff separately when we want to. This seems to make for a healthy relationship, we have lots to talk about whether its bootcamp we have done together or a night out separately etc.

I do know of people who are always out separately and still act as if they are single but IMO this is not necessarily any worse than relationship where neither party has a life outside the house at all.

ZanyMobster · 04/09/2015 18:39

Stealth - I find that the more you do go out or exercise etc the more energy you have. Once I am in and sat down there is not much that can move me but if I get in from work, run the DCs around, do their tea, homework etc before settling down then I am more than up for an exercise class or night out.

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2015 18:41

I exercise in the morning for exactly that reason

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 18:50

I agree Zany. In my original post I only meant that I thought people should go out less than they did when they were free and single.

I think what this thread has highlighted is that everybody's individual situation is different. How much you go out depends on loads of different factors

P.S I'm going to my friends for wine and dinner next weekend. Start small. Lol

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 04/09/2015 19:04

I physically couldn't go out like I did when I was young and single, we went out Weds-Sun every week (out out!) Grin

I hope you have a lovely night, wine and dinner is the best night out. Another idea is hosting stuff when/if your DH goes out, I often host takeaway/drinks evenings which means no babysitter and also means that DH and I aren't always out separately.

Feckingfeckfeck · 04/09/2015 19:33

I don't go out... Ever Sad

SeagullSal · 04/09/2015 19:43

I go out out about once a month averaged out - sometimes more.

Work FT.

Whatever works for the mum.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 20:15

We were the same pre DC Zany! Poor you Fecking . . . why?

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 04/09/2015 21:38

I think childcare is a huge issue because if you don't have family nearby to babysit how on earth are you supposed to go out regularly? It would be impossible.

Both my parents work full time and live 50 minutes away so they can't simply pop over.

My only other option is my sister but she has 2 children herself and doesn't drive.

I think the people who have such regular social lives forget that a lot of others who don't have social lives don't live that way out of choice but because going out just isn't possible.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 21:51

That's what I mean writer for me it's normal to give the consideration you do to the people caring for your children. I have 3 DC and a 4 seater car, so when I have my friends DC I can't take my kids out. She knows this and has now asked me to have him for 4 days so she can go away with her new fella. Her DS is not yet 2. And yes, I know, I can say no.

OP posts:
futureme · 04/09/2015 22:01

Write - exactly!!! It's like I feel I'm looked down upon/ seen as not valuing something for somtehing that they can take for granted!

ZanyMobster · 05/09/2015 00:15

I wish I could exercise in the morning Stealth, I am rubbish at anything in the morning, sometimes I do a boot camp on my days off at 10am which is ok but I am useless earlier than that.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/09/2015 02:26

tossers - you need to say no.

'Sorry, no, that's too long for me not to be able to use the car. Hope you find someone who can help'. :)

If you can't - or won't - say that to her (and that is a perfectly polite, reasonable response that she has absolutely zero grounds for annoyance over), then you have no-one but yourself to be mad at.

And as an aside, there are plenty of ways in this day and age to find babysitters, unless you genuinely live in the back of beyond. And I say this as someone with no local grandparents or siblings on either side.

Artandco · 05/09/2015 07:43

Writer - we pay a babysitter as have no family nearby

Ifiwasabadger · 05/09/2015 08:13

My family are thousands of miles away as we are not in the UK, so we have no one to ask. We pay for a babysitter once a week. We do bath and bedtime at 7, sitter comes at 715. We are usually back 11 at the absolute latest.

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