To think you should go 'out out' less when you are a mum?

[Notimefortossers]

I've got two friends who still love to go out loads even though they've got kids. One is a single mum and whilst I can see where she might need the release it means she asks friends to have her DS A LOT, often overnight or even for a couple of days. The other has a DP, but told me tonight that her DD (4) still cries every single time she goes out . . . which by her own admission is A LOT! I can't help feeling sorry for the kids! They're only little for such a short time and they need there Mama's don't they?
My DH and I used to be quite the party animals, but it's mostly stopped since we've had kids. We still relish going out when we do (probably about 3 times a year and usually for something we feel we have to go to like a wedding, birthday work event etc or sometimes because we REALLY need it!) . . . AIBU to think that once you've had kids you ought to dial it down and do what's best for them? We've got years of going out still ahead of us when they're grown!
How often do others go out? Maybe I'm the weird one! x

What should I do? Create new friendships and make sure I nurture them or try to re-instate my old ones which have now been neglected for 7 years!! Not all of my friends have been neglected, but I don't feel I have the time to keep up with everybody that I used to

what is 'out out' i went 'out' last night for a meal with dp. i can't remember the last time we did this. is "out out"clubbing? or to a party? according to mr flannagan we are out out if it involves the pub followed by a club with a large number of people.

tbh ive never really liked being out out so im happy to have dc asan excuse to stay in

There are too many "it depends" to give a definitive answer.

Also depends what you mean by "out". Depends on finance. Depends on if the dc are bothered / even aware. Depends on time you are at home with them otherwise. Depends on your personality. Depends on your relationship. Depends on the availability of willing babysitters.

I'm pretty much a 'live and let live' person - what suits some, won't suit others. It seems to me though that this is more resentment at looking after her dc. Well, that's your choice - you can always say no, that it doesn't suit you. It's a big ask for someone to have your dc overnight, particularly if they wake in the night - if you aren't happy with it, say no.

I like eating out but DH is a bit funny about restaurants . . . prefers to know the hygiene standards of the kitchen! Lol!

Not - erm because if we go out we meet friends, music and have someone else cook and clean up after us. Very different from dinner at home. When I go out alone it's usually a gym class like Zumba or yoga followed by gym session with friend, can't do that at home. Dh and I will go rock climbing with friends tomorrow night, challenge to do in my living room.

Whenever I do go out just for me, like for a meal with friends or whatever I feel so guilty that it's really not worth the guilt and I don't enjoy myself because I'm just worried about whether everything is alright at home

Lol @ Artandco . . . point taken

OP, I think it's good for children to see their parents maintaining a normal social life. My parents have very close friends, they really are a proper support network. I have the same. I see a lot of parents vanish into the whole child raising thing and then be amazed to be lacking in supportive friends later in life.

I also think it's good for children and parents not to be glued together all the time, frankly. i used to love our babysitters! In fact I still do, though one has sadly passed on. My parents belonged to a local circle, which was great because they could have date night or social nights, then we moved and two other people did it for pay, but they were so fun.

Just recently mum gave me the ring she wore for dressed up nights out, she has arthritis and doesn't like to wear rings any more.That ring has happy memories for me, I used to sit on the bed and watch her get ready and then she'd tell me all about it the next day.

You don't have to be attached to your kids 24/7 to be a good parent. If you have work, hobbies, social life, you have lots to give them from those things.

As for the saying no.....If you don't learn to say no and if your kids pick that up from you, they're in trouble. Being unable to say no just means being dumped on.

It depends. I know women who have a fab social life after kids, and the kids don't suffer in the least. I also know a couple of people who act as though they're the woman on the Brittas Empire who keep the kid in the drawer when busy elsewhere - those kids do suffer, yeah. I like their mums, but they never, ever put the children's needs before their own - the amount of time they go out is not matched by time and energy when at home.

Depends on the effort they put in otherwise, doesn't it? And the amount of time they do spend with them, and how they are with them when there? Kids know when they are loved and prioritised, and they can deal perfectly well with parents who go out a lot in the evening if they're well loved, well cared for and well listened to the rest of the time.

Good post lorlei9.

Whenever I do go out just for me, like for a meal with friends or whatever I feel so guilty that it's really not worth the guilt and I don't enjoy myself because I'm just worried about whether everything is alright at home Do you have anxiety, because that's not entirely normal? Is this even when the DC are with your DH?

I have been pretty stressy with mine lately (end of the summer hols!) perhaps I wouldn't be so if I let my hair down once in a while, but I dunno where I'd even begin!

Erm . . . I've never really considered whether or not I have anxiety . . . I guess, maybe? But not on a major level . . . yes it is even when they are with my DH, because I know if they wake up or they get sick or whatever they'd rather have me, so I feel guilty that I'm not there

I go out once a week, sometimes every ten days or so without my husband or kids. One week I see my friends, another I might go to the cinema with my sister/friend/or on my own , or I might do something with my mum. Is there a sliding scale of what is acceptable to do? My youngest is 4, my oldest is 10, they both theatrically moan when I'm heading out the door - apparently Dad just can't make toast the way I do. They get over it. I'm 41, I'm a parent, I still have friends, I still like to see them, on my own. I didn't give up all my interests just because I had kids.

If you don't want to babysit then don't but don't be a martyr.

Judgy judgy OP. Glad I'm not your 'friend'

You can't facilitate this behaviour and then whinge about it. That's not on. Just tell your friend you aren't babysitting for her or do it with good grace - your decision.

Agree with mrsterry that isn't normal.

Date night at home .

Well ours didn't really sleep like other people's children. It would have been punctuated with

"mummy, I can't sleep"
"are you and daddy having a party"
"I want to sit at the table with you"
"can I blow out the candle"
"I want to try some of daddy's steak"
"Bobby Bunny says yours and daddy's laughing woke him up"
" Why are you and daddy listening to grown up music"?

.....probably at five minute intervals.

You really haven't lived OP until you have had one who doesn't sleep and wants to be part of everything. And you know, when they get bigger that means ...........Carnival, Reading, Outlook, Clubbing, Inter-railing, coming home with the milk and generally keeping their parents awake for much of too many nights. Date nights my foot [ROFL] emoticon.

What do you think will happen with them at home alone with your dh or a babysitter whilst your out? Surely you dh will just feed them/ bath/ pjs/ read book/ maybe watch some TV/ kids in bed?

Usually when I come home after late gym session (8-10pm), kids and dh are all three asleep in our bed surrounded by books with music on still and cookie crumbs on the bed!

Giving it more consideration it might be a little to do with my DH too . . . I used to be an Ann Summers Party Organiser when DS1 was small . . . I was quite successful at it which saw me out most Friday and Saturday nights. I didn't see it as a problem because she was in bed before I left and I was working and bringing us an extra income . . . but he had a go at me and said I should be able to see what it was doing to us as a couple and as a family unit

You go out 3 times a year, but only because you have to, and your DH is a bit funny about restaurants, due to hygiene standards?

er, yes, you are the weird ones.

We only go to literary society meetings and religious rituals, as we can take the DC. We can't afford to go out more than that anyway.

car0line123

I am shocked and speechless by the amount of parents bragging about their weekly (or more) hungover, and seem so proud of staying "young" or whatever.

Most people are talking about going out. Doesn't mean we're all drinking ourselves senseless.

I go out once a week. I have one drink and walk it, as I don't want to risk my licence.