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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should go 'out out' less when you are a mum?

234 replies

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 20:31

I've got two friends who still love to go out loads even though they've got kids. One is a single mum and whilst I can see where she might need the release it means she asks friends to have her DS A LOT, often overnight or even for a couple of days. The other has a DP, but told me tonight that her DD (4) still cries every single time she goes out . . . which by her own admission is A LOT! I can't help feeling sorry for the kids! They're only little for such a short time and they need there Mama's don't they?
My DH and I used to be quite the party animals, but it's mostly stopped since we've had kids. We still relish going out when we do (probably about 3 times a year and usually for something we feel we have to go to like a wedding, birthday work event etc or sometimes because we REALLY need it!) . . . AIBU to think that once you've had kids you ought to dial it down and do what's best for them? We've got years of going out still ahead of us when they're grown!
How often do others go out? Maybe I'm the weird one! x

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 02/09/2015 22:18

Slept in the loo!! Autocorrect is on fire today!!

AvaCrowder · 02/09/2015 22:25

lorelei that was a direct quote from anyfucker.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 22:29

OH and I haven't been inside a pub for 18 years- since our first was born.

lorelei9 · 02/09/2015 22:30

Ava, even better!

I may be overtired....!

AvaCrowder · 02/09/2015 22:47

Goblin don't make the rookie mistake of going in a pub and smoking a cigarette. You're not allowed to now.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 22:52

Thanks ava.

ScarletRuby · 02/09/2015 22:58

So you had children and instantly forgot that you were a person in your own right before hand?

Errrrrrr, congrats Confused

nilbyname · 02/09/2015 23:00

My children are 3,6. My husband and I go out together probably 3/month to dinner parties, pubs, parties.
I also train at the gym 4 times a week, this fits with work, when dh is home and when he trains. He works very hard in a high earning high stress role. We need that time for us and for ourselves. Children go to be sweetly most nights at 7, we go out at 8 and the babysitter gets paid a handsome sum- everybody wins!

I have about 3 hobbies that I do weekly and dh has 2. We also have lots of dedicated family days and have wonderful long summer and winter holidays and lots of weekends away as a family and a couple.

My life and identity didn't stop and become mummy automan when I had a family. Dh and I work as partners and with the kids are a team, we are all
Individuals though!

EmeraldKitten · 02/09/2015 23:03

Yanbu op. Although obviously people's perception of 'a lot' is going to be different.

There are a couple of women I was in school with (we're 29 now) who are out every weekend, without fail. Ibiza for a fortnight every summer, multiple weekends away, probably about once a month.

I feel sorry for the kids tbh. And yes, I do judge them. Never spending a weekend with your child makes you a shit parent IMO.

EatShitDerek · 02/09/2015 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmeraldKitten · 02/09/2015 23:11

How old is your son ESD? Where is he every weekend - with ex oh? Or babysitter?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/09/2015 23:24

I feel sorry for the kids tbh. And yes, I do judge them. Never spending a weekend with your child makes you a shit parent IMO.

Can I give a view, as a child of a 'shit parent'?

My mother wanted kids, but didn't want to be parent. She often (once every couple of weeks? Sometimes her friends came to our house) left us with our grandparents whilst she went out and enjoyed 'adult time'. I never remember that being an issue, she went out late (or what seemed late for us children!), and our GP were lovely. Staying with them was something to look forward to. The problem was, when she hadn't been out 'enough', and her grown-up time went into steep decline after a few years, her behaviour at home became quite unbareable. Whiny, self piting, serious case of the 'poor me, I have to be a parent all the time', leading to there being quite a role reversal between myself and her. Now, I know most parents wouldn't actually let it be known how a lack of social life was affecting them to their children - but as a now adult I can see how it would.

The lesson I learned the hard way - it's very important for kids to be kids, to know they are loved and have no 'grown up concerns'. However, it's equally important for adults to be adults as well, for their own well being. A mother who had been out having fun the previous evening was far easier to live with than one who felt trapped in family life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2015 23:34

Years ago I would have said my DH was possibly controlling, but not now . . . but maybe that's because my behaviour is more acceptable to him now? I think you have a lot of thinking to do.

On a brighter note, you have done the impossible... Started a thread on MN where lots of posters told you YWBU, then had a think and took some of the comments on board.

Welcome OP Flowers

Postchildrenpregranny · 02/09/2015 23:38

Haven't thread full thread but I used to Go Out every Sat morning leaving ebf baby with her father ,for about two hours .Library,cup of coffee ,window shopping .And every other week to an evening women's group .Kept me sane .I think DH felt going to work was enough of a break for him! We rarely went out as a couple until theDCs were older but did try and have a nice meal,bottle of wine on a Sat night-though not always without interruption .But we were mid thirties and had done an awful lot of Going Out and living it up .....

pinkmanbitch · 03/09/2015 00:27

did you come from netmums?

whattodohatethis · 03/09/2015 00:28

I'm definitely a better parent after I've had a night to myself. Even if it is only an hour at a friends house it definitely means I am more relaxed at home.

My son goes to bed at 7pm. So every night I sit downstairs, watch netflix and talk to the cat. It is lonely and really takes its toll. Having a night out to look forward to keeps me sane

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2015 00:33

The 'mummy martyrs' who won't go out were probably really boring before they had children. And before you start whining on about how you were a real 'party animal', I bet you went to the same suburban disco every time, with the same friends, danced to the same generic chart shit and had the same fucking conversation over and over again.

JawannaDrink · 03/09/2015 00:38

Go out, don't go out. Babysit for your friend, or don't. Nobody cares.
But fuck off telling the rest of us what to do, there's a love. None of your business how often anyone else goes out, or does anything else, irrespective of how many humans they have pushed out of their vaginas.
Why the hell do you think it's anything at all to do with you?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 03/09/2015 00:45

Now that's the difference between NetMuns and Mumsnet. Over there you'd probably have got lots of sympathy to your OP. Here you got questions about your identity Smile
So to answer your OP. If a child is being left with friends for extended periods and is distressed while their parents are out every week then I would feel that was wrong.
However despite being worn out and having limited babysitting resources, we make time for friends and each other. Going out independently and fostering friendships is important. You need to be a person in your own right. You may not always be a wife. Your dc will grow up and be independent. You need to keep tabs on who you are. Don't lose sight of yourself.

Queeltie · 03/09/2015 00:59

I have known mums like yourself who drop friends as son as they have DCs. Friends can still be very important as a source of fun and support. And don't assume if you drop them they will still be there in so many years when you decide you need them.

sleeponeday · 03/09/2015 01:21

I do still think that people with small children shouldn't go out just as much as they did before the kids, especially if it affects the kids negatively.

See, you lose me with that "especially". So even if the kids are absolutely fine, you don't agree with people going out and having fun.

Why?

Atenco · 03/09/2015 01:34

I don't see the virtue of staying in every single night while the children are sleeping and I say that as one who mostly did, because I didn't have family close at hand and couldn't afford a babysitter.

My mother even told me when my dd was born to make sure I got out at least once a week.

Baconyum · 03/09/2015 04:21

I've read op's posts and a few others. Sorry OP buy you do come over as jealous and judgemental. Once a week (and I'd agree theres no need to be nursing a hangover the next day) is not excessive. ESPECIALLY for a single mum who likely is constantly either working/parenting or solely parenting. You're lucky you have dh, adult company and conversation and support. If you read the relationships thread you'll often see now adult children damaged by martyr mum's banging on about how 'I gave up everything for you'.

To be a good mum includes taking care of your own needs sometimes and that includes emotional ones.

To those saying about 'what's wrong about having date nights at home' a change of scenery, not having the thought in the back or even front of your mind that you'll be interrupted by your child with something relatively non urgent is not conducive to relaxed adult relationship nurturing time (and I say that as someone who admits they should have nurtured their relationship more).

Going out doesn't even need to include drinking/pub/club. Go to the cinema, theatre, hobbies, even lectures in things you're interested in (OK that might just be me).

I think conversely to your opinion op that actually its really healthy for your children to see that you are a person in your own right with your own interests, friends and personality.

flipflopdrop · 03/09/2015 04:37

Due to lack of childcare and work - there are some days it is a struggle to see my kids at all for any length of time - and the expense my dh and I do not get out much - I really think it is healthy to go out. Birdsgottafly that is sage advice - I feel our friends slipping away due to work and young kids taking all my time.

SavoyCabbage · 03/09/2015 05:33

Why don't you go out with this friend of yours. Then you can't babysit.