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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL needs to do one. Inheritance issue.

187 replies

Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:12

We have a complicated family set up and a very contentious inheritance issue blowing up in my family.

I have three brothers. My parents died in very tragic circumstances when I was a child and my paternal grandparents brought us up. We are all adults.
My eldest brother took his own life when he was in his twenties and left a small child without parents, the child's mother was not on the scene.
I adopted my nephew and have brought him up as my own. He is my ds1. I have another ds, ds2

I am a lone parent and hold down three jobs to support my kids. Money is A huge struggle. The family promised to support ds1 financially when I adopted him, they didn't. Their loss.
I am also my elderly grandparents carers, spending a significant amount of my time caring for them. I do this with love and unconditionally.

Of My two surviving brothers, one is single and one is married with three children. Married brother is financially comfortable.

My grandparents are talking wills. They want to divide their estate thus:
One quarter to single DH
One quarter to married dh
One quarter to me
One quarter to ds1. What would have been my dbs share had he not died.

My SIL has had hysterics,she wants either
One third to each surviving sibling
Or (her preferred option)
One fifth to each great grandchild. In effect 3/5ths of the estate to her family and 2/5ths to mine!

I hate all this talk. It's notour money, but I do feel that my ds1 should get his fathers share, he had a crap start and is thriving with me. We are poor but happy and I think this would give him a good start when he gets to adulthood. I would like it put into a trust. I am a bit pissed off that the promised financial help was not forthcoming but I don't get help with ds2 either. You win some, you lose some. I believe it is astonishing bad taste to even consider negotiating with GPs. I would rather they just did what they want, as long as ds1 is not hurt emotionally.

AIBU to think my SIL Is a money grabbing cow and should cherish my wonderful Grandparents instead of trying to manipulate them into benefitting her? I really don't care about the money and think that counting their cash before they die is in shockingly bad taste?

A side issue, for another Aibu, is SIL always makes a point of referring to ds1 as my nephew, coughs, giggles then refers to him as my ds. I actually hate the bitch, but ds1 and 2 love my brother and cousins and want to remain in touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:13

Bloody typos.

One quarter to single DB, one quarter to married DB!

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 15/08/2015 11:15

Wow, your sil is entitled isn't She.

It's up to your GP to decide how they want the money sharing. I think the 1/4 each is a good idea.

CalleighDoodle · 15/08/2015 11:15

Your SiL should indeed do one. Grabby cow

SurlyCue · 15/08/2015 11:17

Shes a dick. No question.

TheNameIWantedIsTaken · 15/08/2015 11:18

yanbu, I agree with you. It's not her business.

Username359185 · 15/08/2015 11:18

I think 1 quarter each way is the fairest. Your SIL is a greedy wagon.

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2015 11:18

That's the way it should be - they had four children; if one died his money should go to his heir.

As for her calling your son your nephew - I would get her into a room on her own and not let her out until she'd apologised and promised never to do it again. And I'd remind her that SILs can come and go - that money is not hers, not matter which way it is split.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 15/08/2015 11:19

I'd tell your GP to write their will as they see fit & not to discuss it with anyone.

Of course you are correct & your DS should receive his father's money, but I'm wondering where your married brother stands on this? Is the vitriol coming from sil alone??

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:19

Yes, she is entitled, greedy and selfish and I have quarrelled with her many times. I could write an AIBU book, I try to view it with humour and manage most of the time.
I will not have ds1 hurt. Ds2 often defends him and we are currently avoiding them after her vicious jealousy and barbed comments over an item of clothing that was given to him by a bereavement charity.

OP posts:
Bullshitbingo · 15/08/2015 11:19

She is a bitch.

Your gps sound like they have it right and have been very fair. Do not engage with your sil on this, as you say, it's none if her business what your gps do with their wills.

LIZS · 15/08/2015 11:21

Their plan looks fine to me. Sil needs to butt out.

Liquoricetwirl · 15/08/2015 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 15/08/2015 11:21

I think you have the right idea. DS1, should inherit as if his father was still around. Your grandparents no doubt know more about your life, heartache etc, than your SIL, taking on 4 children is no small fete, and now you are effectively doing the same. They will and can share their money accordingly, don't her drawn into SIL randy, what does her hubby say?

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:22

I have confronted her quite viciously many times. GPs want us all to get on, so I walk a wobbly tightrope trying to keep them all happy. I am massively grateful to my gos for the huge sacrifices they made to bring us up.
Maybe I need to put ds1 first. But he wants to see gos, he is very insecure about losing more family, but doesn't understand the complicated dynamics.

OP posts:
chippednailvarnish · 15/08/2015 11:23

I would be cutting contact with sil for repeatedly calling your DS your nephew.

I would ask your grandparents to set up the trust now whilst they are still alive, my understanding is that if your GPs live for seven years there would be no inheritance tax due (the trust might also be outside the scope too). A poster called Mumblechum ?? might know...

nearlyhadenough · 15/08/2015 11:23

If your GPs had made their will years ago - and had divided their estate up between their 4 children, then what would have gone to your DB would probably have gone to DS1 - as most wills have apart where if the beneficiary dies their inheritance is passed to their children.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:23

My brother, SIL husband is a classic enabler. It would be no loss to me to cut them off. I maintain contact for my gps sake.

OP posts:
clam · 15/08/2015 11:24

Your sil is bang out-of-order to even think this, let alone express her opinion out loud. It's nothing to do with her anyway. What does your brother think?

1/4 each sounds fair and right, although it's kind of irrelevant, as it's your GP's estate to distribute in any way they see fit. That is, if they don't choose to blow the lot on a round-the-world cruise.

EggOnTheFloor · 15/08/2015 11:25

God your SIL is an atrocious thundercunt isn't she?

Tell your GP to take legal advice re wills and not to discuss it further with any family members.

I am horrified she made comments on any charitable gift.

May God grant her incurable thrush.

RabidFairy · 15/08/2015 11:27

Your SIL is a cunt.
Your sons are lucky to have you Flowers

SaveMeBarry · 15/08/2015 11:28

Re the money: leave to the GPs to decide. They'll decide for themselves what they want to do with it and someone will always feel hard done by. Seems a shame that they couldn't have used some of it to make your life and your sons easier now rather than waiting until they're gone but I suppose that's an aside and they are entitled to do as they wish.

As regards sil referring to DS1 as your nephew it sounds like that's done on purpose and I would pull her up on that by asking her out straight why she finds it so difficult to acknowledge him as your son. After all that's what he is, you adopted him. I'd probably ask does she get some kind of wierd kick out of reminding you and him of past tragedy but then I like to meet bitch with bitch!

exLtEveDallas · 15/08/2015 11:28

My mum and dad have a similar outlook. There were 5 of us kids, one died. M&Ds will states 1/5 to each child and the remaining 1/5 to be shared between my dead siblings children.

Me and one other sib have taken it further and said we want our 'share' to go to them as well - we are comfortably off whereas SIL and kids struggled from day one. The little my parents will leave won't make a bit of difference to us, but would make a huge difference to them.

Your SIL is a money grabbing entitled witch.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:29

SIL is jealous of:
My council house, a dump
My dc seeing ggc more often. This is because they come with me to clean, take care of and provide support
Any help we get, however small.

Actually, I'm going to cut contact and explain to kids something like adults making decisions and more to it etc.

I love my gp , but they are difficult and I need to put my lovely sa1 first. This has been coming for a long time. I don't have much support, I think I posted to see if others thought the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:31

Exlteve,
I secretly think that would be the thing to do. I would.

I think it's shocking to try to take advantage of a child that has suffered so much already.

OP posts:
UrethraFranklin1 · 15/08/2015 11:31

its not true that deceased brothers share would have passed to his son, as op has adopted him he is legally her son, and only has inheritance rights through her, not her deceased brother.

Op I think its your brother you need to speak to and tell him to sort his wife out. You are never going to get anywhere with her.