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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL needs to do one. Inheritance issue.

187 replies

Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:12

We have a complicated family set up and a very contentious inheritance issue blowing up in my family.

I have three brothers. My parents died in very tragic circumstances when I was a child and my paternal grandparents brought us up. We are all adults.
My eldest brother took his own life when he was in his twenties and left a small child without parents, the child's mother was not on the scene.
I adopted my nephew and have brought him up as my own. He is my ds1. I have another ds, ds2

I am a lone parent and hold down three jobs to support my kids. Money is A huge struggle. The family promised to support ds1 financially when I adopted him, they didn't. Their loss.
I am also my elderly grandparents carers, spending a significant amount of my time caring for them. I do this with love and unconditionally.

Of My two surviving brothers, one is single and one is married with three children. Married brother is financially comfortable.

My grandparents are talking wills. They want to divide their estate thus:
One quarter to single DH
One quarter to married dh
One quarter to me
One quarter to ds1. What would have been my dbs share had he not died.

My SIL has had hysterics,she wants either
One third to each surviving sibling
Or (her preferred option)
One fifth to each great grandchild. In effect 3/5ths of the estate to her family and 2/5ths to mine!

I hate all this talk. It's notour money, but I do feel that my ds1 should get his fathers share, he had a crap start and is thriving with me. We are poor but happy and I think this would give him a good start when he gets to adulthood. I would like it put into a trust. I am a bit pissed off that the promised financial help was not forthcoming but I don't get help with ds2 either. You win some, you lose some. I believe it is astonishing bad taste to even consider negotiating with GPs. I would rather they just did what they want, as long as ds1 is not hurt emotionally.

AIBU to think my SIL Is a money grabbing cow and should cherish my wonderful Grandparents instead of trying to manipulate them into benefitting her? I really don't care about the money and think that counting their cash before they die is in shockingly bad taste?

A side issue, for another Aibu, is SIL always makes a point of referring to ds1 as my nephew, coughs, giggles then refers to him as my ds. I actually hate the bitch, but ds1 and 2 love my brother and cousins and want to remain in touch.

OP posts:
AlisonBlunderland · 15/08/2015 18:46

Someone upthread said that SIL could fall under a bus tomorrow.
It's more likely that someone will shove her under one.

SingingSamosa · 15/08/2015 19:44

It's not how it would be split on one of those programmes because the child has been adopted. once you are adopted you lose any legal right to inheritance from your blood family

Ah, OK. I didn't realise that. Seems a shame. Money really does bring out the worst in people - I've seen so many families split apart because of inheritance issues and money grabbing.

Findtheoldme · 15/08/2015 19:58

What seems a shame, singing?

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 20:12

Thank you Alwaysoutnumbered. Great name by the way.

I would like to accept the Christmas list thing, but please would you add women's aid or a similar charity for children growing up without one or both parents instead of my ds's. They have enough at Christmas and they have me. People outside the family are very good to them, they see me work hard to provide for them and are very kind. Some kids not only lose a parent or their home, they have no one left to make up for it. I would be honoured if you would give to a child in those circumstances please. It breaks my heart to hear of children going without in addition to the loss of a parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 20:15

Lalyra, that is basically my SIL argument. Legally if they died intestate money would be split three ways between surviving siblings.

She has clearly looked it up. Greedy bitch..

OP posts:
AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 15/08/2015 20:20

Deal x

SingingSamosa · 15/08/2015 20:20

Findtheoldme

It seems a shame that legally the nephew/ds1 wouldn't legally be entitled to a share if the GPs died without leaving a will. It's not like he's been adopted outside of the family and doesn't know his GPs. It's also a shame that the OP was promised financial help for raising her DS1/nephew and that wasn't forthcoming. If he had been fostered by her long term she would have been given financial help I believe.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 20:21

Thank you outnumbered. X

OP posts:
SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 15/08/2015 20:26

They treat her as a daughter and lots of her vileness, delivered as passive aggressive shite seems to go over their heads.

I don't think the "passive aggressive shite" is going over their heads.

They're just waiting for your Sil to really slip up big time.

Mind you, Your DGP might have a clause in their will...which states that Sil has to volunteer on a farm shoveling pig slurry using a fork for 5 years before she get anything maybe a £1 in total. WinkGrin

Sorry if the above isn't helpful.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 20:30

When I took in ds1 I was strongly advised to be a kinship carer so I could receive financial assistance. I wanted to make it clear from the start that I loved him as a son, so chose the adoption route. Family were not too keen on this, I think they wanted to maintain some control over his life.

I felt he would need the stability that adoption provided. It would be interesting to know what the legal stance is, it can't be that Rare for this to happen?

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 15/08/2015 20:30

I'm not sure LaLyra's right actually. I've just done a very quick google (so treat with a bucketload of salt) and found this:-

"A child adopted by a relative or a stepparent still is a child of both genetic parents and also of the adopting parents."

So as Op is a relative her DS1 is the child of both her and his birth dad.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 20:36

Steam train Grin Grin Grin

SIL dresses lots of her worst jealousy up in concern for me and ds's. Eg, Lostlight must be so tired, that's why she doesn't do x y or z as well as me. Poor Lostlight. Poor Lostlight can't afford a holiday, why don't you go camping in winter to the outer Hebrides, so thrilling for the boys? We have an old tent you can use, the boys will love making do it's fun isn't lostlightlets?

That sort of thing.

OP posts:
AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 15/08/2015 20:49

she's a chump

Optimist1 · 15/08/2015 20:56

It looks as though you're mistaken in the case of intestacy, Lostlight. If you're in England & Wales, this indicates that in the event of a person dying before their parents then any child of that person would inherit their share.

(It almost goes without saying that you sound like just the sort of family I'd be happy to belong to and your SIL is despicable.)

SuperFlyHigh · 15/08/2015 20:57

Just read through the whole thread.

I agree with what you're saying re the will and trust totally.

I would maybe be tempted to sit down and have a meeting with DGP re money and how DSIL manipulates things. Say something about how you never like to bring this up but…

It's totally not fair that your DSons have make do with castoffs and horrid suggestions of holidays camping whilst she comes across as concerned, caring and the sun shines out of her arse…

amarmai · 15/08/2015 21:14

she must have had a lifetime of example and practice to come up with such evil shite. Good on you op that you spot it for what it is. If you are forced to listen to any more of it, maybe it would make you feel better if you call her out on it. Your boys and the gps need to understand what this nasty piece of work is up to.

LaLyra · 15/08/2015 21:17

LostLight What a horrible person she is. That may be her argument, but it's a really shit one. I take it she assumes Ds1 will get the benefit of his father's share AND your share, what a thing to be jealous of.

If I was your GP's I'd be sorely tempted to will you two shares, yours and your brother's, so that you could use it for both children equally and then leave it to them equally without the restriction of a trust.

I'm 99% sure I am correct about what I said, but please do double check it. It was something we put a lot of thought into when we considered me adopting Ds1 and my grandparents also considered adopting us. I believe the only exception is when the biological parent had a will that included the child previously that it could be challenged.

LaLyra · 15/08/2015 21:21

Also in terms of you GP's - how many surviving children do they have?

Because if they have 2, and your father has 3 surviving children then if she pisses off your GP's enough then perhaps she should be reminded that her husband is actually "entitled" to one third of a third (or however many children your GP's had) so no matter what way the GP split it he/they are always going to get more than their entitlement.

Greedy mare.

RandomMess · 15/08/2015 21:27

We have this in DH family, jealousy from his sibling over what little our dc get from the DP in time/attention etc. and the inheritance thing will start no doubt. Ironically she too has had more help & support from them then we/our dc ever head. I am beyond caring now I maintain a relationship with the GP for them and my dc beyond that I don't care who says/gets what.

I honestly think your SIL is being despicable it is really quite "normal" "accepted" that where a child has died that their dc inherit in their place.

Hellionandfriends · 15/08/2015 21:36

A friend of mine is one of 4 grown up children. The youngest of which tragically passed away. The parents split wills 4 ways so that the deceased child's son received 1/4. It was the only fair way of doing things. Yes it means the 22 year old boy has 300k in an account, however his loss is huge. His mother can't be replaced.

ijustwannadance · 15/08/2015 21:38

She can't handle the thought of you and your ds having more than her family as she is unfortunatly one of those people who think the more they have the better they are and it would put you above her and her dc's. Whom i suspect she assumes will all end up in better jobs/bigger houses etc etc than your boys.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 21:52

Gp have six children , five surviving. Sorely tempted to ask gp to split it between surviving children and by pass us entirely. DF siblings are lovely and would likely pass it all on to me and ds's. They are supportive but distant. They have graciously told gp to leave it to us, to replace us losing our parents in such a tragic way. They want nothing for themselves, they are comfortable.

OP posts:
LaLyra · 15/08/2015 22:18

So the "entitlement" is one third or one quarter of a sixth and she's cribbing about potentially "only" getting one full quarter.

If nothing opens your gps eyes to her I bet you that will!

scarlets · 15/08/2015 22:19

Your family sounds lovely. The SiL really is a thorn amongst roses. Perhaps she realises this, hence the appalling behaviour.

The "nephew ooooops son" thing is for me, much sadder than the money-grabbing. I suspect that you've been rather nice about it. Time to get mean. Get her in a room and make it very clear that this nonsense must end.

Devora · 15/08/2015 22:42

It would be fair for your gp to split it three ways, or four ways. Not five ways. But really, it is up to them, and I would advise you not to add the pressure on them by asking them to make their will in a certain way.

Calling your ds your nephew is absolutely outrageous, though; I wouldn't be able to keep a civil tongue in my head on that one.