To think my SIL needs to do one. Inheritance issue.

[Lostlight]

We have a complicated family set up and a very contentious inheritance issue blowing up in my family.

I have three brothers. My parents died in very tragic circumstances when I was a child and my paternal grandparents brought us up. We are all adults.
My eldest brother took his own life when he was in his twenties and left a small child without parents, the child's mother was not on the scene.
I adopted my nephew and have brought him up as my own. He is my ds1. I have another ds, ds2

I am a lone parent and hold down three jobs to support my kids. Money is A huge struggle. The family promised to support ds1 financially when I adopted him, they didn't. Their loss.
I am also my elderly grandparents carers, spending a significant amount of my time caring for them. I do this with love and unconditionally.

Of My two surviving brothers, one is single and one is married with three children. Married brother is financially comfortable.

My grandparents are talking wills. They want to divide their estate thus:
One quarter to single DH
One quarter to married dh
One quarter to me
One quarter to ds1. What would have been my dbs share had he not died.

My SIL has had hysterics,she wants either
One third to each surviving sibling
Or (her preferred option)
One fifth to each great grandchild. In effect 3/5ths of the estate to her family and 2/5ths to mine!

I hate all this talk. It's notour money, but I do feel that my ds1 should get his fathers share, he had a crap start and is thriving with me. We are poor but happy and I think this would give him a good start when he gets to adulthood. I would like it put into a trust. I am a bit pissed off that the promised financial help was not forthcoming but I don't get help with ds2 either. You win some, you lose some. I believe it is astonishing bad taste to even consider negotiating with GPs. I would rather they just did what they want, as long as ds1 is not hurt emotionally.

AIBU to think my SIL Is a money grabbing cow and should cherish my wonderful Grandparents instead of trying to manipulate them into benefitting her? I really don't care about the money and think that counting their cash before they die is in shockingly bad taste?

A side issue, for another Aibu, is SIL always makes a point of referring to ds1 as my nephew, coughs, giggles then refers to him as my ds. I actually hate the bitch, but ds1 and 2 love my brother and cousins and want to remain in touch.

DS2 has lost his father too - through his lack of interest rather than death - which is arguably a tougher thing to come to terms with. How will he feel when his older brother inherits a lump sum and he has to make do, when up to that point they Have been treated equally. Doesn't that risk driving a wedge between them - it would be an enormous pity to risk another generation feeling jealous over money.

The general rule is that a person inherits their parents cash. The general rule is that parents leave their cash to all their kids. Different people inherit different amounts. It's just life!

DS2's father and DS1's blood mother should also leave any cash to their children. They may or may not have cash but it is irrelevant to OPs parents will. The fact they have both buggered off is irrelevant to OPs parents will.

Things will be equal between the boys with time as DS1 will inherit his fathers cash and DS2 will inherit his mothers cash. Alternatively OP should inherit both hers and her brothers cash and leave her whole estate in death to both boys. I prefer this latter suggestion.

It would be totally inappropriate for the brothers inheritance to go to SIL

'The general rule' about inheriting your parents cash would mean that DS1 inherited his father's estate when he died (however large, small or negative it was). It doesn't lay down the law about how one's great grandparents' cash should be distributed.

I actually agree with Heebiejeebie that it is fairest for the boys to inherit equally from their mother (OP). Anything else risks feeling divisive and unfair a generation down. If I were the grandparents (and really, this decision is only for them) I would be leaving the money equally to OP and her two brothers.

The question of helping out now, recognising that OP has done the right thing by the whole family in adopting ds1 and that she has struggled, would be to help her out with that. That should have happened. But it's separate from inheritance.

I think it's up to the grandparents to decide to do what they want with their money.

My friend's mother died recently and split her estate between her five children. On of her children had died five years ago, and her fifth of the estate went to her two children at the grand mother's request. Non of the other grand children were left anything.

I can see the argument that all the grandchildren should be treated equally though. Neither ways are wrong. It's all down to what the people making the will wants. I think in this case and that of my friend, the will writer is just still thinking of their dead child and showing in their will that they've not forgotten.

If your sister in law is rude enough to keep calling DS1 your nephew despite that having changed to Ds1 years ago perhaps you could all call her your brother's girlfriend still! See how she likes her legal title change not being recognised!

I think your SIL is a twat, quite frankly.

As Honey said I think it's up to the grandparents to decide to do what they want with their money.

As an adopter yes I would be horrified if my parents left different amounts to my DC, but on the other hand this is a slightly different family imprint, because although Lostlight is very much the mother of her DS1, his birth parents biological family are still very much linked into his everyday life, and they can choose to remember the previous relationship however they wish.

Hopefully SIL has either read this, or had a reality check and will now pull her neck in.

I'm for leaving OP two shares on the basis that it will be the solution that pisses the SiL off the most.

The GPs have been really fair. Of course the deceased brothers share should go to his son

Wtf has it got to do with her anyway?

She is grabby, selfish and greedy

I would ensure they appoint a good executer either yourself or a solicitor

Is would show her this thread are the GPs wavering?

Yes I think the op should get two shares, then she can treat the kids evenly over the years and after her death

EggOnTheFloor Sat 15-Aug-15 11:25:07 You are a god. That sums up the situation so well.