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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL needs to do one. Inheritance issue.

187 replies

Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:12

We have a complicated family set up and a very contentious inheritance issue blowing up in my family.

I have three brothers. My parents died in very tragic circumstances when I was a child and my paternal grandparents brought us up. We are all adults.
My eldest brother took his own life when he was in his twenties and left a small child without parents, the child's mother was not on the scene.
I adopted my nephew and have brought him up as my own. He is my ds1. I have another ds, ds2

I am a lone parent and hold down three jobs to support my kids. Money is A huge struggle. The family promised to support ds1 financially when I adopted him, they didn't. Their loss.
I am also my elderly grandparents carers, spending a significant amount of my time caring for them. I do this with love and unconditionally.

Of My two surviving brothers, one is single and one is married with three children. Married brother is financially comfortable.

My grandparents are talking wills. They want to divide their estate thus:
One quarter to single DH
One quarter to married dh
One quarter to me
One quarter to ds1. What would have been my dbs share had he not died.

My SIL has had hysterics,she wants either
One third to each surviving sibling
Or (her preferred option)
One fifth to each great grandchild. In effect 3/5ths of the estate to her family and 2/5ths to mine!

I hate all this talk. It's notour money, but I do feel that my ds1 should get his fathers share, he had a crap start and is thriving with me. We are poor but happy and I think this would give him a good start when he gets to adulthood. I would like it put into a trust. I am a bit pissed off that the promised financial help was not forthcoming but I don't get help with ds2 either. You win some, you lose some. I believe it is astonishing bad taste to even consider negotiating with GPs. I would rather they just did what they want, as long as ds1 is not hurt emotionally.

AIBU to think my SIL Is a money grabbing cow and should cherish my wonderful Grandparents instead of trying to manipulate them into benefitting her? I really don't care about the money and think that counting their cash before they die is in shockingly bad taste?

A side issue, for another Aibu, is SIL always makes a point of referring to ds1 as my nephew, coughs, giggles then refers to him as my ds. I actually hate the bitch, but ds1 and 2 love my brother and cousins and want to remain in touch.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 11:32

It is absolutely none of your SILs business what your grandparents put in their will.
It's a shame she even knows anything about their intentions but that horse has bolted so I'd be tempted to say "But why do you have an opinion on this since they aren't your grandparents?"

As to calling your boy nephew I'd be sorely tempted to get her on her own and be very, very direct and menacing with her.

However, it's probably best if you don't expose your DS1 to this biatch at all.

50ShadesofNope · 15/08/2015 11:32

She's a bitch. It's a shame your family didn't give you support when you took in ds1 (which is a bloody amazing thing to do) but it seems like your grandparents do at least have their heads screwed on about the wills.

Frankly it has sweet fuck all to do with SIL. She's being a grabby cow and your brother needs to have words.

If your brother was still alive then it would have been 1/4 each. If he had died after that then his share would have gone to ds1. Why the hell should ds1 lose his father then lose his inheritance just because Aunty SIL is mouthing off? Her husbands share will be split between their children, they just won't get as much because there are three of them. Ds1 gets his fathers share of the money in place of a house or uni support or whatever his father would have been able to support him with and leave behind. If his grandparents think that is fair and want to split their money that way then who is she to complain?!

I hope this gets resolved for you Op. There have been so many threads where wills cause friction in the family because one person is being grabby and it's really very sad. There has been so much loss in your family already, it would be awful if she stood in the way of a good relationship with the rest of your family over this. But don't back down. Your son needs this and you are completely right.

As a side note, you sound like an utterly wonderful person, and Im very sorry your family has been through so much loss.

Pico2 · 15/08/2015 11:33

She calls him your nephew, but when it comes to inheritance she wants to treat him as your son, as if his father never existed. How unpleasant.

toobreathless · 15/08/2015 11:33

YANBU
SIL sounds hideous.

1/4 sounds incredibly fair to me.

TenForward82 · 15/08/2015 11:34

This is MN, so I'm inclined to say that maybe she has a mental illness and needs your compassion?

No, seriously, she's being greedy. Sorry you have to go through this hassle, OP.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:34

Re the charitable gift, SIL took ggc to see gps. In old clothes to show how poor they are. Made ggc show gps how shoes are too tight. Asked ds1 to lend her the item so her ds could try it on ready for when she can afford to buy one. Ds disclosed this only very recently.

OP posts:
50ShadesofNope · 15/08/2015 11:35

Oh and I think pp are right. She can't pick and choose when your son is your son and when he is your 'nephew'. So I'd just keep away from her until she gets her overly inflated head around the concept that he is your son and should only be referred to as such.

anonymousforever · 15/08/2015 11:35

Your sil is beyond a bitch; she's a disgusting excuse for a human being. Her husband should be outraged by her interference and tell her to stfu pronto.

I feel for you...recently went through some inheritance related strife myself.

Personally I would speak directly to you GPs and explain perspective in minute detail then leave it at that.

Good luck to you Flowers

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:36

She is the most unpleasant person I know. She works herself up to a lather with jealousy towards those with so little.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 15/08/2015 11:38

Yep your SIL is a fucking greedy cow.

The way your GPs want to do it is most fair. What if single DB has kids in future? He gets nothing!

Aside from the money thing, your SIL just sounds vile anyway. Don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with her.

Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 11:39

God it's depressing to think how awful people can be isn't it?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 15/08/2015 11:39

You are right about the inheritance thing. Divide the money between each of the grandchildren is correct. (Assuming your parents had no other children.) Your brother who died would then leave to his child (your ds1.)

As for your SIL the next time she does it I'd be saying "Awww SIL - did you forget again. He's been my son for X years now. You seem to be quite forgetful these days. Don't worry - I'm sure it's nothing. i mean - you don't have early onset Alzheimer's in your family or anything do you?" And then just look a bit worried.

AuntyMag10 · 15/08/2015 11:41

Your sil is a real bitch. She's not even related to be grabbing for money! It rightfully should go to your ds1. He's lost his parents, and this bitch wants to take more away from him. Heartless vile thing. Hope your gp split it fairly.

Capewrath · 15/08/2015 11:42

Lost, you found great.

She sounds vile

But while cutting her off, don't cut others would be my recommendation, as these things can gave unforeseen consequences and having battled to give your DSs stability, don't let it be undermined further. They need to know that family will be there, even if some are awful.

In my family, I thought one cousin was dreadful. His behaviour was IMV shocking. Have only just realised how damaged he was by his DF. Am now rebuilding contact, as important for my lo DS to gave full range of cousins.

LiquidAshTree · 15/08/2015 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAMindReader · 15/08/2015 11:48

She's being a greedy cow yes. However be prepared to get nothing at all from your grandparents.
Despite everyone being advised to make a will, even Joe Bloggs who passed the house once on the bus has a right to challenge it after their death ( doesn't mean they'll get anywhere though )
I say this from bitter experience after a relative wanted more from an estate than they were initially provided. The executors were told the relative had no chance but at the end of the day it came down to who had the most money to throw at solicitors.
Greedy relative tried to bankrupt both the estate and executors with legal costs just because they could.

This isn't the norm at all however but with wills things can get ugly.

SailorBobsGrog · 15/08/2015 11:48

Totally agree with everyone.

Mess with her head. Tell her you agree to the money between divided between the ggc's and as she gloating tell her you're prega to and its quads…

Seriously though tell her to butt out. Until your Gp's die it's not her inheritance it's their money.

pinkje · 15/08/2015 11:50

Was your father the only child your grandparents had? if yes than YANBU with the 1/4 split to all grandchildren (with your adopted son taking his father's share).

Viviennemary · 15/08/2015 11:53

I think the first way with the quarter shares is the fairest one. Just cut contact with your sil for the time being. That is the only solution. Her type only ever see things from their own selfish point of view.

Tanith · 15/08/2015 11:58

I'd be tempted to start calling her by the name of DB's ex-girlfriend, giggle and correct yourself.

Probably better to tell her directly and firmly, though Smile

Refuse to engage over the will and tell her you find the discussion distasteful.

sooperdooper · 15/08/2015 11:58

Your SIL sounds awful, grabby and rude - next time she calls your DS nephew make sure you pull her up on it, preferably in public

Your GP will sounds completely fair, and tbh even if it wasn't it's none of her bloody business - they could legally leave it all to the dogs home if that's what they want to do

Wills and money really do bring out the worst in people :(

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 15/08/2015 12:05

Goodness. Your SIL is a real piece of work. If I were your grandparents, I would set up a skip trust for their great-grandchildren where she's concerned and ensure that she never has access to any of the money.

Good on you for taking such good care of your family, I hope your inheritance makes your life a bit easier when it comes.

LaLyra · 15/08/2015 12:05

Your SIL sounds beyond rude. It is only the business of your grandparents what they do with their will.

It is important though that they leave a will if they want your ds1 to receive his late father's share as he doesn't have a legal entitlement to it since he was adopted.

happymummyone · 15/08/2015 12:06

I hope she doesn't get her way. What a cow.

ShelaghTurner · 15/08/2015 12:07

Skimmed because it seems so clear cut to me. Quarter each is the fairest but I agree, horrible for her to be so grabby about this, especially since they are still alive FGS.

But making a point of referring to DS1 as your nephew is a shitty thing to do. I don't know how old he is or how you and he view his situation in terms of your relationship but to deliberately draw attention to it in front of him is nasty.

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