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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL needs to do one. Inheritance issue.

187 replies

Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:12

We have a complicated family set up and a very contentious inheritance issue blowing up in my family.

I have three brothers. My parents died in very tragic circumstances when I was a child and my paternal grandparents brought us up. We are all adults.
My eldest brother took his own life when he was in his twenties and left a small child without parents, the child's mother was not on the scene.
I adopted my nephew and have brought him up as my own. He is my ds1. I have another ds, ds2

I am a lone parent and hold down three jobs to support my kids. Money is A huge struggle. The family promised to support ds1 financially when I adopted him, they didn't. Their loss.
I am also my elderly grandparents carers, spending a significant amount of my time caring for them. I do this with love and unconditionally.

Of My two surviving brothers, one is single and one is married with three children. Married brother is financially comfortable.

My grandparents are talking wills. They want to divide their estate thus:
One quarter to single DH
One quarter to married dh
One quarter to me
One quarter to ds1. What would have been my dbs share had he not died.

My SIL has had hysterics,she wants either
One third to each surviving sibling
Or (her preferred option)
One fifth to each great grandchild. In effect 3/5ths of the estate to her family and 2/5ths to mine!

I hate all this talk. It's notour money, but I do feel that my ds1 should get his fathers share, he had a crap start and is thriving with me. We are poor but happy and I think this would give him a good start when he gets to adulthood. I would like it put into a trust. I am a bit pissed off that the promised financial help was not forthcoming but I don't get help with ds2 either. You win some, you lose some. I believe it is astonishing bad taste to even consider negotiating with GPs. I would rather they just did what they want, as long as ds1 is not hurt emotionally.

AIBU to think my SIL Is a money grabbing cow and should cherish my wonderful Grandparents instead of trying to manipulate them into benefitting her? I really don't care about the money and think that counting their cash before they die is in shockingly bad taste?

A side issue, for another Aibu, is SIL always makes a point of referring to ds1 as my nephew, coughs, giggles then refers to him as my ds. I actually hate the bitch, but ds1 and 2 love my brother and cousins and want to remain in touch.

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 15/08/2015 23:12

If she calls DS1 your nephew, doesn't that make her 'current wife of DB'? If he doesn't need a name then neither does she.

MidniteScribbler · 16/08/2015 01:44

I disagree with the split in your first post. I think it should be:

One quarter to single DB
One quarter split equally in trusts between DB and SIL's children.
One half to the OP for her to use for the benefit of son's.

PegsPigs · 16/08/2015 03:17

current wife Grin

You sound lovely OP. Wishing you and both your sons the very best. People who consider adopted children as lesser relations are vile with no compassion. YANBU.

sleeponeday · 16/08/2015 03:43

Mumoftwoyoungkids, your Googling actually quotes from a site discussing the law in the United States, not England and Wales.

Mermaidhair · 16/08/2015 05:03

Your sil is an evil bitch. I am disgusted for you. You sound like an amazing mum and woman. Some people just don't care about anything but themselves. My db and I received a small inheritance which would have been our df share.

MyLovelyFriend2015 · 16/08/2015 07:00

Op you sound like a wonderful woman

Hats off to you

SIL - Well she's a special ????? kind of cut isn't she!

MyLovelyFriend2015 · 16/08/2015 07:01

Hahaha autocorrected cunt to cut

southernskies · 16/08/2015 07:30

Trying to disinherit an young orphan is about as low as it gets. Please don't allow this evil woman to do it.

margreatuk · 16/08/2015 07:33

I think splitting it three ways would be fairer.

What about your ds2 who gets nothing directly but ds1 does. I think they should be treated equally.

Anyway its wills what is fair and what is done is not the same thing.

Hellionandfriends · 16/08/2015 07:35

Agree disinheriting a young orphan is very mean spirited. He's lost so much already. Inheritance wise, he represents his father.

Lancelottie · 16/08/2015 07:37

Do you know, I think I disagree.

I think a third to each of their surviving grandchildren would be fine. That puts your two boys on an equal footing with each other - and it sounds like they are great siblings to each other.

Given that it may be 20 years off and amount to the square root of bugger all, I'd make a point of saying that you don't want your two sons treating differently. You could be ever so noble about it and heap coals of fire on SIL's grabby head in the process.

Hellionandfriends · 16/08/2015 07:38

And what if the men have more children?

DeckSwabber · 16/08/2015 09:05

WRT the boys:

Ideally OPs Son 1 gets his dad's share, most of which can be set aside for him until he needs it/is an adult. His trustees might wish some of this to be used to pay for some expenses now, eg clothes, holidays, and some living expenses to make life easier for OP. I would have thought this would be Brother 1's choice.

OP gets her own share. She chooses what to do with it. She might hand down some of her inheritance early to Son 2 when he is an adult (if she can afford it), or ring-fence it in her will so that he gets 'her' share, just as Son 1 got his fathers share, and doesn't end up losing out if OPs money is split between them.

I am struck that you have Uncles/Aunts who will be cut out of this if you and your siblings inherit as proposed - which makes your SiLs position really strange and grabby. Her husbands potential share is already substantially larger than she could reasonably expect.

On a separate matter, are there any issues around you looking after your grandparents? It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate with two boys, 3 jobs and caring responsibilities, while there are lots of other people who could be helping.

TheCatsMother99 · 16/08/2015 09:24

Your SIL is a complete cunt.

I think your way of thinking is better & whatever happens, I wish u and your family all the luck and love in the world.... Lord knows you could do with it with bitches like her around you! Grin

FantasticButtocks · 16/08/2015 11:42

It's a shame your GPs decided to discuss their will openly like this. Because if they hadn't sil might not feel entitled to put her twopence worth into the discussion. This should really be private and only talked about after their deaths.

However, as they evidently have talked about it, I would say to them that they should stick to their plan and do what they want to do and what they think is right. I would tell them you think it's inappropriate for SIL to try to influence them in the way she is, and advise them to stop discussing with her.

Then tell SIL if she brings it up, that her attempt at interference in the wills of people who are not her grandparents are unwelcome, inappropriate and greedy. Then, keep your distance from her.

FantasticButtocks · 16/08/2015 11:45

You can even say to your GPs that you would be quite happy if they'd like to make you an executor, as you could then make sure their wishes are adhered to.

FantasticButtocks · 16/08/2015 11:47

This quote is for your SIL: The love of money is the root of all evil.

Babyroobs · 16/08/2015 14:52

What on earth does this have to do with her anyway? Surely the money will be left to her dh and not her. I think the way your gp's have chosen to divide it sounds entirely fair and just. I would tell the grabby woman to butt out.

Original poster
Lostlight · 16/08/2015 20:42

Thank you again for your comments.

Deck sweeter my three jobs are all part time so I can fit my caring responsibilities around them. They add up to full time hours. I am on the go all day most days. My SIL and dbs take gps out and about for coffee, drinks, lunch. I do all the hard physical work like cleaning, shopping, some cooking and any other bits and bobs. I am exhausted most of the time. I don't do any personal care really, odd bits when dgm is ill sometimes.

DB and SIL take the piss really, they seem to think dgp are much younger and only give what they want, which is very little. I am convinced they think that dgp help me financially a lot and are jealous of that.

Both dbs are inherently very selfish, it has always been that way and take more than they give.

Dfs other siblings are supportive but distant.

OP posts:
Heebiejeebie · 16/08/2015 21:12

I think it would be wrong for your DS1 to be given his father's share. He is your son and a brother to DS2. Why would you create difference or potential jealousy between them. Both of them have the only mother they have ever known and no father. Why does DS1 deserve an extra leg-up? And leaving your share to DS2 to try and even it up, could easily seem like cutting DS1 out, because he's your brother's son and not really yours. A minefield!

And asking for your share to be left in trust to them means that potentially you can't access the money for something that would benefit them now - a family holiday or a car for them to learn to drive.

I think I agree with SIL's conclusion, but not her reasoning.

DeckSwabber · 16/08/2015 21:52

Heebie I would agreed if the OP got her brothers share as well. Not to be grabby but to recognise that she has taken on his responsibilities.

chairmeoh · 16/08/2015 22:25

Your aunts and uncles are the ones who puzzle me. Do none of them help take care of their own parents?
And if they have been open enough to declare they are happy for their dead sibling's children to inherit the whole estate, then surely they are the best people to speak to their parents about the will. Not that it is any of their business, but it is far more appropriate that they speak up in your DSs favour than the witch SIL.
I speak as the daughter of a mother who died long before her parents. No sort of fairness was applied when my grandparents' estate was dispensed, IMO. I bear no grudges, I missed out on having a mother while growing up, that's what is more unfair and bothers me the most.

Hellionandfriends · 16/08/2015 23:13

One fair approach would be for OP to inherit her share plus her brothers and pass it in turn down to DS1 and DS2eventually

Alternatively DS1 gets his fathers share and DS2 gets his mothers share eventually.

It is not appropriate for SIL to influence things or for her kids to receive more then their fathers share

Hellionandfriends · 16/08/2015 23:17

Heebie. It's entitlement. DS1 is entitled to his fathers share because he lost his father as a baby. Yes he was adopted well and has had a nice life but that doesn't change the fact that he lost the life he should have had with his father

MidniteScribbler · 16/08/2015 23:35

But if the OP was given both her share and her brother's share, then she could choose to use that now or in the future for the benefit of both boys. She has received no family support for taking on her brother's child, and that money would be helpful for things like school uniforms, school camps, fees, extra curricular activities, driving lessons or university that can benefit the boys as they row up. Her DS1 doesn't need to receive a lump sum on his 18th birthday, he would get more benefit growing up with some of the extra expenses covered.

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