To think my SIL needs to do one. Inheritance issue.

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We have a complicated family set up and a very contentious inheritance issue blowing up in my family.

I have three brothers. My parents died in very tragic circumstances when I was a child and my paternal grandparents brought us up. We are all adults.
My eldest brother took his own life when he was in his twenties and left a small child without parents, the child's mother was not on the scene.
I adopted my nephew and have brought him up as my own. He is my ds1. I have another ds, ds2

I am a lone parent and hold down three jobs to support my kids. Money is A huge struggle. The family promised to support ds1 financially when I adopted him, they didn't. Their loss.
I am also my elderly grandparents carers, spending a significant amount of my time caring for them. I do this with love and unconditionally.

Of My two surviving brothers, one is single and one is married with three children. Married brother is financially comfortable.

My grandparents are talking wills. They want to divide their estate thus:
One quarter to single DH
One quarter to married dh
One quarter to me
One quarter to ds1. What would have been my dbs share had he not died.

My SIL has had hysterics,she wants either
One third to each surviving sibling
Or (her preferred option)
One fifth to each great grandchild. In effect 3/5ths of the estate to her family and 2/5ths to mine!

I hate all this talk. It's notour money, but I do feel that my ds1 should get his fathers share, he had a crap start and is thriving with me. We are poor but happy and I think this would give him a good start when he gets to adulthood. I would like it put into a trust. I am a bit pissed off that the promised financial help was not forthcoming but I don't get help with ds2 either. You win some, you lose some. I believe it is astonishing bad taste to even consider negotiating with GPs. I would rather they just did what they want, as long as ds1 is not hurt emotionally.

AIBU to think my SIL Is a money grabbing cow and should cherish my wonderful Grandparents instead of trying to manipulate them into benefitting her? I really don't care about the money and think that counting their cash before they die is in shockingly bad taste?

A side issue, for another Aibu, is SIL always makes a point of referring to ds1 as my nephew, coughs, giggles then refers to him as my ds. I actually hate the bitch, but ds1 and 2 love my brother and cousins and want to remain in touch.

please do not add fuel to the fire by putting a link to this forum on FB. I agree you must fight this woman's attacks as necessary and I feel that your brother is getting an easy pass. Since your children are 14 and 12 , are they old enuf to discuss what is going on with you and make a joint decision whether to continue to be near these relatives? Also where does the single b stand? He will not benefit if b & sil get their way. It sounds as if this woman has already got your gps wrapped around her little finger . Maybe you and the single brother need to go to gps together with concerns and proposed solutions. Maybe not- if gps could react -vely. You are doing a great job , keep on doing what you're doing. What goes around comes around. She will never be happy.

Thank you all again. I am coming up with a plan.

I am going to make my feelings plain to gps. Skip me one quarter to each ds, put in trust.

SIL and DB I am cutting contact. Still writing my speech in my head.

Ds's plan to give them a limited summary of above. Explain adults fall out, best if we avoid. Ds2 has always harboured secret wish that DB would step up and be more of a father figure to them both. Instead they treat them like afterthoughts.

I will come back and update. Probably as AIBU to dislocate my SIL head by attempting to retrieve it from her arse before it completely disappears?

I could understand your SIL complaining if your GPs were suggesting something unfair, but what they want to do seems incredibly fair to me.

She sounds very jealous.

I wonder what her own parents are like?

You don't say how old your grandparents are, or how severe their health issues, so it seems a little premature to suggest this but I'll say it anyway. If you are struggling financially with bringing up the boys alone, it might be an idea to ring-fence some of any inheritance forthcoming for use sooner rather than later. I know you said you're managing, but it might be nice to be able to relax a bit and spoil the boys a little.

Her own parents seem very nice, although as a family I have always thought that they had very sharp elbows and no doubt would push others aside with no hesitation or guilt. We have known SIL for years, we more or less grew up together.

Sorry to be mean but she is in the family by marriage only? You are blood and your SON is blood too.

Next time she disrespects everything involved in the adoption process, you, the law, re your SON pull her up in it. Stop letting her be a bitch.

My grandparents are in their eighties, grandmother has various health issues. It is quite likely that they could live for years, equally likely that they could not.

It would be lovely to have some money now. We do need it, it seems so grabby though. My gp are not wealthy but comfortable, own house, pension etc. they do not seem to understand how I struggle so much, probably because they have never struggled financially. SIL grabbiness seems to have rippling effects and rub off on others. I expect that is often the case in situations like these. I am pretty sure she will cause a huge fuss over this and dread it.

SIL describes herself as squeezed middle.

What a horrrible, horrible cowbag.

You sound lovely and I bet your sons are a credit to you.

I'm pleased that you are stopping contact, life is too short to have people like that in your life.

She needs to be pulled up on everything. "He's your nephew"...."no. He's yours...."

I was like this , when you said that she palms off old clothing to you pretending to be kind and helpful; and in the next breath asking for money to buy her new....that needs to stop.

Maybe you need to speak to your Dgp's.

You are a single mother that I assume gets no financial support from DS2 father and have had little or no financial help with DS1. Maybe show them your outgoings and then how much you have left.

FYI you don't sound grabby at all.

What a palava. Good luck with that one, OP.
FWIW, I wouldn't cut them out explicitly because the consequences are too unpredictable.
I could come up with a lot of strategies to avoid & to politely & completely refuse to discuss inheritance or money things with your DB-SIL. If they were my grandparents I think I would tell them that I want them to be strong and firm in their choices, whatever they are.

Please do not tell them to 'skip one quarter' that is yours and split between your ds's. That is for you to for upon receipt of your share. Sil will just use this to make them split all between ggc. Your oldest should get his share. You can then choose to do what you like with your fair share but it is definately not grabby to use at least some of it to improve life for the 3 of you as a family rather than be a bit of a martyr and stick it in all in a trust. Your kids will not care

Your SIL sounds absolutely horrendous. I cannot comprehend the sheer stone heart of a person that wants to take from a boy who has been through so much.

Your grandparents plan sounds like the fairest way to do things. I would actually avoid having your grandparents leave your share directly to ds2, because this then looks like muddying the waters with the sharing among great-grandchildren arrangement that your SIL wants. One way forward might be to support your grandparents to stick with the plan without you changing anything, because it's then clearly an equal split between the 4 siblings, with your eldest brother's share obviously passing to ds1- putting his share in trust is probably the way forward.

From your point of view, the fairest way to share between your children might be for you to ring fence your share of your grandparents' inheritance for ds2 in trust in your own will, so that ultimately both of your sons will inherit equally from their GGP. If it's in your will, your SIL won't be involved at all. Or alternatively, there may be a way of passing it on as a gift from you when he reaches adulthood- obviously you'd need to explain it to both boys, but again it would be after your grandparents' affairs had been dealt with. You could then split the remainder of your will equally between your boys.

It might be easiest to just quietly go non-contact, rather than making an announcement- just don't be available, or gradually reduce contact. You mention that your father had siblings, and that they are happy for your grandparents money to skip their generation- are any of them close enough to you all to tell SIL to butt out ?

I don't actually believe there is a 'right' way to split inheritance. It doesn't matter whether you think your way is correct, or your SIL thinks hers is, or what Mumsnetters think is correct.

It is entirely up to the person making the will and if they want to leave it all to the cats home, the BNP or the Society for the Protection of Snails, that is their right.

Say nothing about it. If asked, shrug and say 'it's up to them/you' and change the subject.

OP, accept your share then you give it to your sons as the pp is right, silly cow sil will demand more for her her kids.

It's up to your GPs how they divide up their money but I agree it sounds fair for each part of the family to have 1/4 as though your DB was still alive.

Your SIL is a greedy cow but my DB and I had the same situation but it was my uncle who screwed us over. My DM died before her parents. They originally had their will as all the money would be spilt between DM, her DS and her DB so after she died her 1/3 would go between me and my DB. My uncle got them to change their will so my DM's 1\3 was spilt between the 6 grandchildren instead as it wasn't apparently fair for DB and me to get that much money when our cousins weren't getting anything, despite the fact my cousins will eventually benefit from their parent's share and we won't. DB and I were too young to say anything and be taken seriously so he got away with it.

Unfortuantly money brings out the worst in a lot of people.

Ok, point taken about skipping me. Back to GPs original wish that it is shared four ways. I honestly do hate all this, I shudder, my SIL is lucky to have what she does, unlucky to not appreciate it.

Boy Scout, I know it sounds grabby, but I hate to see my ds sidelined and hurt. I won't have it.

The clothes things to my ds has been going on for years. I never mention my hatred of SIL to ds's but ds2 jokingly says, I need new shoes, wonder what tat auntie xxx comes up with this time. Shocking.

You sound very level-headed. Unlike your SIL.

It's nobody's business what the GPs do. In fact, unless they specifically ask, nobody should be discussing their plans with them. It doesn't matter if what they plan is fair or not (though it sounds fair to me, but that's beside the point), it's their wishes and that's all that matters.

Hiccup girl, a friend had a similar scenario. Her mum had several dear siblings. One died young leaving two or three children. I was quite shocked and appalled to see how d friends mother and siblings tried to push out the siblings children. They were truly shafted and d friend was quite pleased in how it benefitted her. A friend no more.

OP I would like to nominate you for a Mumsnet Gold Star Award for being an All Round Decent Sort.

When it comes to wills you just tell your gps to do whatever they think is best and then clear out of it. Their money, their choice - no gain is ever made by trying to influence people in the way your SIL is. You should pass on any of the information regarding trusts etc you learn here and then step away from the inheritance topic whenever it comes up, take the high road.

Going nc with your SIL is wise, no prep or announcement just do it and get over to stately homes to help manage it if you need more support. People who behave like her can drive you bonkers and suck the happiness out of a family, don't let that happen here. If you get some money great, if you don't you are as you say better off than that eedjit.

I usually do secret santa but wondered if you would also let me add your dc to my christmas list this year, you all deserve some treats? Hats off to you OP.

If your GPs died without making a will, how they've suggested splitting it is how it would be done through one of those 'heir hunters' type companies so it's entirely fair. How someone else shares out inheritance is none of anybody's business, let alone a non blood relation.

Your SIL is a cow. Funny how money turns people into utter twats. I've just found out that when a family member dealt with my gps will, she ensured her grandchildren (my gps great grandchildren) got 3x the amount the rest of us received. My gps would be devastated if they were still here to discover this. Keep strong OP.

Singingsamosa It's not how it would be split on one of those programmes because the child has been adopted. once you are adopted you lose any legal right to inheritance from your blood family - in this case the child is in the blood family still, but legally he is the OP's child, not the child of the GP's deceased son so it would be split between their surviving children, with the op and her siblings receiving an equal split of their father's share.

A solicitor friend told me it's very common for the spouses, not the official heirs, to be fighting for more inheritance. They don't have the emotional attachment and grief to overcome and so want everything they can get their hands on.

If I were you, I'd tell your SIL to BUTT OUT, arrange a meeting between the grandparents, your brothers and yourself. Then let the grandparents explain their reasons for allocating their assets. If they're well enough to write a will, they're well enough to explain it.
And FWIW I think a quarter each to the three siblings + ds1 is what any solicitor would advise. They would also advise giving SIL nothing if her husband died, but passing directly to their children.

OP, you've sacrificed enough already. Don't give in to bullies!

I am wondering if theres a bit of snobbery going on? Like you say, those doing well for them selves have sharp elbows! I take it you are fairly strong and independent, being single you've had to be. In some ways this can make people believe that you are coping well. SIL may come across differently because she has had a nice life and reliable husband. IYSWIM? I would chat to GP, an drop hints at SIL comments, and see if they ask, you don't say what GP think of SIL/DB ?