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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL needs to do one. Inheritance issue.

187 replies

Lostlight · 15/08/2015 11:12

We have a complicated family set up and a very contentious inheritance issue blowing up in my family.

I have three brothers. My parents died in very tragic circumstances when I was a child and my paternal grandparents brought us up. We are all adults.
My eldest brother took his own life when he was in his twenties and left a small child without parents, the child's mother was not on the scene.
I adopted my nephew and have brought him up as my own. He is my ds1. I have another ds, ds2

I am a lone parent and hold down three jobs to support my kids. Money is A huge struggle. The family promised to support ds1 financially when I adopted him, they didn't. Their loss.
I am also my elderly grandparents carers, spending a significant amount of my time caring for them. I do this with love and unconditionally.

Of My two surviving brothers, one is single and one is married with three children. Married brother is financially comfortable.

My grandparents are talking wills. They want to divide their estate thus:
One quarter to single DH
One quarter to married dh
One quarter to me
One quarter to ds1. What would have been my dbs share had he not died.

My SIL has had hysterics,she wants either
One third to each surviving sibling
Or (her preferred option)
One fifth to each great grandchild. In effect 3/5ths of the estate to her family and 2/5ths to mine!

I hate all this talk. It's notour money, but I do feel that my ds1 should get his fathers share, he had a crap start and is thriving with me. We are poor but happy and I think this would give him a good start when he gets to adulthood. I would like it put into a trust. I am a bit pissed off that the promised financial help was not forthcoming but I don't get help with ds2 either. You win some, you lose some. I believe it is astonishing bad taste to even consider negotiating with GPs. I would rather they just did what they want, as long as ds1 is not hurt emotionally.

AIBU to think my SIL Is a money grabbing cow and should cherish my wonderful Grandparents instead of trying to manipulate them into benefitting her? I really don't care about the money and think that counting their cash before they die is in shockingly bad taste?

A side issue, for another Aibu, is SIL always makes a point of referring to ds1 as my nephew, coughs, giggles then refers to him as my ds. I actually hate the bitch, but ds1 and 2 love my brother and cousins and want to remain in touch.

OP posts:
Polyethyl · 15/08/2015 13:21

How did your grandparents react to SiL's hysterics? Is SiL likely to succeed in bending your grandparents to her preferences?

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 13:27

Thank you so much everyone for all the encouraging comments. Feel quite tearful with all the praise. It's so nice to know that you all agree with me.

I feel sorry for my grandparents with SIL picking over their money, and for the trouble that this will cause, but ds has to come first.

It's bad enough for ds to know how troubled and difficult my DB, his df was. I can't allow SIL to compound that and now fell a bit guilty for allowing it. Balancing that he really is a lovely person, so can't be too damaged. He knows I do my best for him and love him unconditionally.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 15/08/2015 13:29

So SIL thinks that there is money, from your parents estate hidden some where? And that should be given now? ... Wow she needs to butt out.

IndecisionCentral · 15/08/2015 13:30

Your SIL is of course incredibly unreasonable.

When you said you wanted your share to be put in trust split equally between ds1 and 2 though that does seem a bit unfair. Surely if ds1 is to inherit his fathers share then ds2 should have yours so they both end up with the same amounts? Or perhaps your GP could leave a quarter each directly to the boys.

Penfold007 · 15/08/2015 13:31

I think your GP's should do what they want and not discuss it with any of you.
Personally I'd be really considering if having any sort of relationship with SIL was in your DSs best interest

MagickPants · 15/08/2015 13:33

Although there is so much sadness in everything that has happened to your family, Lostlight, I am so heartened by how lovely your little family seems and how much love there is between you three. I just want to say something that might sound a little preachy but I mean it well: in the end, when it comes right down to it, I would rather be you, a person who knows how to love and how to enjoy it, than your SIL, a person whose greed just makes her miserable. I really hope everything turns out ok for you and your sons, and I hope your grandparents are not made miserable by this pestering. But deep down you're winning. Flowers

Is there anyone in real life who could advise your grandparents on telling SIL to butt out? They don't need to discuss this with anyone and it is really unfair that they are being pestered about it. I think they almost need training in closing the conversation down. From someone who looks impartial who isn't been seen to say "you should do this with your money" but "do what you like, and don't indulge discussion of it"

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 13:33

Grandparents have a complex relationship with SIL. They treat her as a daughter and lots of her vileness, delivered as passive aggressive shite seems to go over their head.

There have been times when I am desperate for clothes or shoes for ds2 and have asked them for money to buy. Each and every time SIL seems to hear about it and produce some old item of her ds and presents it to me like gold dust. Ds then doesn't get his shoes or clothes and SIL then seems to find something her ds needs which then gets funded.

GPs view this as SIL helping me out. I view it as deceptive jealousy and pretty wicked to be honest.

GPs however do have their heads screwed on financially. I don't think they will change their will intentions, but SIL may come up with a deceptive plan, presented to gps as a better way to achieve a fair split. I am on to this.

OP posts:
derxa · 15/08/2015 13:36

Setting up a trust is the way to go so inheritance tax can be avoided. Your GPs should set this up as soon as poss. Your GPs need money to live on and may need a lot of care so there may be no money to share out anyway but it is the principle of the thing. Does the SIL have your GP's? how much influence does she have? Good luck.These things are horrid. Don't cut contact but keep your interactions with her as business-like as possible. She has no right to behave like this and she sounds dangerous actually.

Lurkedforever1 · 15/08/2015 13:36

Yanbu, and sound lovely. Your sil however is a cunt.
Less complicated in that there were no deranged in-laws looting, when friends aunt died with no will, and friend and siblings the only logical heirs, it was split the way your gps is. The dead siblings third went straight to their living children, however the 2 living siblings children obviously got nothing, as the parents were alive. Although they were all in agreement I got the impression it was the usual procedure

MissMooMoo · 15/08/2015 13:38

she is a bitch!
fwiw my dh inherited his mother's share of what was left behind by his grandparents 2 years ago. she died when he was 7 and this was never ever questioned by her sisters.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 13:38

Totally agree magigpsnts.

I would hate to be as unhappy and jealous as SIL is. Always dissatisfied, always looking for more. Always unhappy.

We have very very little, but we have enough love to see us right. I had a very abusive marriage prior to my ds's with every material gain possible. Now I have nothing material but riches beyond mention.

I feel sorry for SIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 13:39

I am going to mention a trust to gps. Just don't want to sound grabby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 13:43

Yes indecision central that is what I had thought. But you are right, it would maybe be best for ds1 to have his dad's share and ds2 to have mine. But does that look as if ds1 is not being viewed as my ds by me.

Or would my original intention be the best.

See I am turning into my SIL. I bloody hate money. I really do!

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 15/08/2015 13:45

She sounds like a vile individual and in your shoes I would dig deep and fight fire with fire and not worry about being grabby or sinking to her level because that money will be incredibly useful to your boys.

I'm not normally a praise giver on MN but you sound lovely and I only hope up to the job of fending off her revolting behaviour - in the nicest possible way !

IndecisionCentral · 15/08/2015 13:51

I do think that splitting your quarter would be unfair to ds2. It seems that in your desire to protect your vulnerable ds1 it could be easy to disadvantage ds2.

I can understand you wanting to make it clear that ds1 is your son under the terms of the will. In your shoes I'd ask that if the GP are doing a 4 way split, that you get nothing and one quarter each to the boys in trust. Can't see a fairer way.

IndecisionCentral · 15/08/2015 13:52

Oh and you sound like an amazing person and mother to your boys btw.

Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 13:54

Yes indecision. I agree. I had asked for it to bypass me anyway.

AIBU to post a link to this on the next PA Facebook post SIL makes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostlight · 15/08/2015 13:55

Thank you indecision

OP posts:
LaLyra · 15/08/2015 13:55

Re ds1 having his dad's share and ds2 having yours - as long as you explain it to them (obviously depending on their ages it may not be appropriate - but you could have letter for them if you were worried about that?) explaining that that is the best way for them to be the same - you want them to be equal in finance as they are in your heart then they'll understand it I'm sure.

My grandparents brought me up from 7. I have 3 older siblings and they were 16, 15 and 13. They were left cash by my grandparents whereas I was left their tiny flat meaning that due to timing there was a financial discrepancy of about £12k between their legacy and previous help and mine, but it was explained by my gps in a letter that it was an age thing. The will was made when I was still at secondary school and it was important to them that I had my home secured. The others had all moved out, been helped into their own flats, driving lessons and uni etc. It was viewed as completely acceptable and fair by my siblings (although, similar to you my SIL thinks it's grossly unfair).

Sometims treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them completely equally and I'd say the halves issue is one of these times.

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2015 13:56

I don't think the OP should lose her inheritance. Her DS1 inherits his because his dad dies. Her DS2 will inherit his when his parents die. That is fair. It's not fair that the OP should lose hers to her DS.

Bettercallsaul1 · 15/08/2015 14:01

I think you should remind your SIL that she could get run over by a bus tomorrow. ..

Or perhaps be shoved under it by a passing MNer? Grin

BettyCatKitten · 15/08/2015 14:07

Your SIL is a nasty, greedy person.
I hope this gets resolved the way you want it too.

tobysmum77 · 15/08/2015 14:09

There is a difference between being grabby and doing your best for ds1.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/08/2015 14:15

Oh god lovely I so wish you happiness and a winning lottery ticket just to tip that vile bitch over the edge, so she can drown in her own froth.

Seriously I'm gritting my teeth this end reading about her. I hear that money doesn't matter to you so a winning ticket might hinder you slightly, oh but the joy of giving it away in front of her and not too her, would be brilliant Wink Thanks

ijustwannadance · 15/08/2015 15:03

She definately sees it as your household getting half and she wants more (for her barn conversion!). The thing is, surely if left to her children, she wouldn't see a penny herself anyway?

After what you have said about her DH, it is most likely a shared opinion and he just allows her to be the one to instigate.

I also think that after all these years of struggling financially, that you should have some of the money for yourself. You deserve a break. If your DS2 is anything like you he will understand.

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