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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 30/07/2015 21:10

I wouldn't expect my inlaws to come. They see my parents every couple of years and don't really know them.

What sort of relationship did your inlaws have with your parents?

BertrandRussell · 30/07/2015 21:11

Yes of course- have they said why they're not attending? You poor thing- what a shock for you.

Could you ask your dh to talk to his mum about it?

scatterthenuns · 30/07/2015 21:11

Mine would. Even though they're not close as such, my in laws have taken me into the family and would want to support me and the kids (their gcs) who are grieving for a grandparent.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

iklboo · 30/07/2015 21:12

Mine definitely would attend - not just because they know my parents but to support me. I'm part of their extended family. BILs & SILs would probably attend too.

MrsKoala · 30/07/2015 21:12

Only if they knew each other. It was my Mils funeral today and my parents/family wouldn't have even contemplated coming as they had never met her.

iklboo · 30/07/2015 21:12

Sorry for your loss.

Fatmomma99 · 30/07/2015 21:13

My parents went to my DH's. They helped look after DD while I supported DH.

Long drive from them too.

MrsKoala · 30/07/2015 21:13

I meant to say, sorry for your loss too. Losing someone is horrible but try not to focus your energies on negative thoughts. Flowers

SandStorm · 30/07/2015 21:14

I would expect MIL and FIL to come but not BIL. I'm so sorry for you loss.

molyholy · 30/07/2015 21:14

Its not that I would expect them to attend. But as a mother to their grandchildren and wife of their son and part of their lives for 22 years, whether they knew my mum well or not, I would hope that they wanted to come along to show their support to me. So sorry for your loss op Flowers

slicedfinger · 30/07/2015 21:14

Most definitely. It would be important to them to be supportive, and they'd feel they were representing and supporting the whole family.

MrsBungle · 30/07/2015 21:14

Sorry about your mum Flowers yes I would expect my in laws to attend. My mum died after a short illness and mil and step-Fil travelled 300 miles and stayed in a hotel to attend. Sil had a small baby and sent lovely flowers.

ToriaPumpkin · 30/07/2015 21:15

My parents and in laws live twenty minutes apart and see each other fairly regularly but I wouldn't expect any of my in laws to come, just as I wouldn't expect my parents to go if it was an in laws' funeral. In fact I was very surprised when my two maternal aunts decided to come to my father's funeral last year.

Bilberry · 30/07/2015 21:15

My family didn't go to FIL funeral. They didn't really know him, have only met a few times and live hundred of miles apart. If they were local or had met more then I'm sure they would have gone.

Allgunsblazing · 30/07/2015 21:18

I don't get it!
The fact that the PILs didn't know eachother is strange enough, but fair enough.
However, one doesn't go to a funeral strictly to see off the deceased, it's also about supporting the rest of the family. Or am I getting this completely wrong?

BertrandRussell · 30/07/2015 21:19

Oh, sorry. I have mixed Irish/Italian heritage and that means my views on family often don't match mumsnetters norms...........

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 30/07/2015 21:21

Of course your IL should come.

I do not understand this stance that if you didn't meet the dead person, you don't go to the funeral. Seems extremely cold and heartless to me. What about the bereaved?

SaucyJack · 30/07/2015 21:22

Neither my PILs or my ex-MIL came to my dad's funeral, and tbh I wouldn't have expected or really wanted them there. I was busy with my own family.

Sorry for your loss xx

dogdaydisaster · 30/07/2015 21:22

My old came to my dads funeral (overseas) and my mum and brother came from overseas for my fil's funeral. It seemed totally normal to me; they would have Sen each other only a few times at major events but wanted to support me/dh.

eggyface · 30/07/2015 21:23

uh yeah I'd assume they would come tbh

Dynomite · 30/07/2015 21:23

Yes, your in-laws should definitely be there (maybe not SIL). It doesn't matter they didn't know each other that well. But if you didn't say anything, they might think they're not invited or something.

MrsKoala · 30/07/2015 21:23

I have never heard of going to a funeral to support anyone. Everyone i know who goes to a funeral is to do so because they had a personal connection with the deceased. They are there to pay their respects for a relationship solely between the 2 of them. Who needs 'supporting' by loads of other people just standing there and being present? Confused Surely a funeral is a private thing where you get to say goodbye.

MissDemelzaCarne · 30/07/2015 21:25

If it's possible, I think it's a lovely gesture, my PILS were away for my DF's funeral though my DN attended for them.
I really appreciated travelling over 300 miles for my DM's, it was a comfort for my DCs.

Vatersay · 30/07/2015 21:25

I'm very sorry for your loss.

My would definitely come. They came to my grandparents funerals and my parents went to my DH's grandparents funerals.

EverythingsShinyCaptnNotToFret · 30/07/2015 21:25

When my darling MIL died my DMum, DDad, DB, DSiL and DN's came to the church, the cematary and the wake. They were there to support us as well as to say goodbye to a lovely lady.