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Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 31/07/2015 07:48

I have just spent a few days with my mother and my SILs mother and I live 150 miles from one lot and nearly 300 from the other. I never understand people being kept in compartments.
It was accidental, SIL's mother happened to be staying with her when I visited my mother. I have seen her a lot, accidentally, over 30 years. Quite happy to. What would be odd would be avoiding SIL because she had a visitor. We just did things together.

2gorgeousboys · 31/07/2015 07:56

My parents and grandparents came to DFiL's funeral recently. As did my SiL's DP and DB. My parents have met my in laws at birthdays, Christmas etc over our 16 years of marriage, at our house but even if they didn't know each other I would have appreciated them being there to help and support DH and I. DMiL was very appreciative of them coming.

At one point at the end of the service, I was trying to comfort DH and DS2 (10) and DS1 (15) broke down, I didn't have enough arms so was able to signal to my mum who came and comforted DS1. Similarly, DSS's girlfriend has met my in laws once but came to support DSS.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2015 07:57

It's not 'people being kept in compartments' Mehitabel

My in laws at not friendly. Not very interested in our children. Not very sociable with anyone except each other. They travel extensively and make (to me) odd choices like not seeing DD until she was 10 and then not coming to see her again two years later.

'putting people in compartments' sounds like Dh and I make some kind of weird inferior choice about our family and misses the obvious point that sometimes family members are just not interested.

5YearsTime · 31/07/2015 07:58

I think it really depends on where you are and what each family is like. You just have to accept that everyone is different. My family would attend, my DH's side wouldn't.

The day my DGran dad, my inlaws were in my house and didn't even mention it which I was angry about for years. However when DH's DGran died I got to see how his family react to death and it's totally different from my family which made me understand more. Not angry anymore at all, having watched them lose one of their own they are very very closed off and private and therefore would not want to mention it to me. I find it madness but then sometimes DH finds my family utterly mad too. Between us we'll find our own way of doing things.

StarlingMurmuration · 31/07/2015 08:00

My gran went to my other gran's funeral. They'd known each other nearly 30 years by that time, it would have felt a bit weird if they hadn't come. None of my aunts or uncles went to either gran's funeral (they went to their mum's, obviously, just not to the other gran. If that makes sense).

So YANBU to be surprised that MIL isn't coming, but I wouldn't expect SIL to come.

Mehitabel6 · 31/07/2015 08:03

If you have unsociable ILs it won't work, but OP made no mention of them being unsociable and ones like that wouldn't want to support anyway.

Mehitabel6 · 31/07/2015 08:04

I am of the 'more the merrier' in life- and in death.

Mia1415 · 31/07/2015 08:06

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

I live in England & I've been to funerals to support friends & my friends, some colleagues & in laws came to my Dear Dads funeral to support me. I'd certainly expect in laws to normally attend (unless they lived 100's miles away or they really didn't get on etc)

Baddz · 31/07/2015 08:07

My pils and sil and her partner came to my dads funeral.
In fact my fil did the bible reading.
Even if they didn't know the deceased, surely they would want to come and support the op?

Baddz · 31/07/2015 08:09

i have attended funerals of people I didn't know to support their loved ones - who I did know.

Eastpoint · 31/07/2015 08:09

I would expect PILs to attend their DIL's mother's service, they are grandparents of the bereaved children.

karinmaria · 31/07/2015 08:18

So sorry for your loss OP.

I find it quite strange that, after being in their lives for a quarter of a century, that your in-laws have not either thought to offer to attend, or to help with arrangements or childcare on the day itself. Have you had any condolences from them at all...?

FWIW my ILs attended my mum's funeral and we received condolences from ILs as far away as Canada and Egypt, and when my FIL died recently my Dad attended and helped DH and MIL make sense of some of the bureaucracy (FIL had a complicated immigration status).

SugarPlumTree · 31/07/2015 08:19

Sadly my children will be more affected by the death of our neighbours when the time comes than FIL.

I sat DS down to say very sadly Poppa is dying and me and DH will be going over to Spain when it happens and he said 'who?' He's nearly 12 and it isn't for the lack of trying on our part, FIL just didn't engage - MIL wasn't better. DH is the child who got chucked into boarding school for 6th form so they could retire to Spain and got Spanish underpants did his 30th present. Luckily Dad treats him like part of the family and a bit like a son.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2015 08:20

Ah, I didn't realise the 'putting people in compartments' was specifically about the op. Apologies

It just epitomised a tone on here which seems to be making assumptions about any situation where in laws don't know each other - the 'but wouldn't they meet at school plays' stuff.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 31/07/2015 08:22

I definitely would not expect it. My parents and in laws have met quite a few times (first time was at our wedding, then sometimes they both visit on kid's birthdays - happens once most years but not at every birthday). They live in different countries and don't really speak much of each other's language though! They seem to like each other ok.

It wouldn't occur to me they'd come to support me. I didn't go to DH's uncle's funeral as I'd only met him once and if I'd gone we'd have had to take the kids, who hadn't met him. Nobody expected me to go and DH didn't need support - he didn't know him that we'll either... fil had mil and all 3 of his sons for support.

I used to be a teacher and would never have hot time off for all the funerals some people on here attend! I'll always remember one poor colleague being denied permission to attend his cousin' s funeral even though his cousin had been brought up by his parents as his brother since babyhood and they'd been much closer than many siblings are - not technically a sibling, parent, grandparent, spouse or own child, noleaveto attend the funeral...

Yes it's cultural - if the in laws aren't of the same background they won't have a clue they are causing upset and might think they'd be intruding or making it all about them by attending.

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2015 08:23

My mum watched my youngest dd so didnt come but sent flowers. Have you said to your inlaws to come some people might feel awkward and not know the right thing to do.

GardenDragon · 31/07/2015 08:25

My ILs came to my DM's funeral, but my DH had to ask them three times! They kept saying 'we'll think about it' or 'we'll let you know'. Finally he said that I was upset that they had not offered to come as they knew my mum reasonably well from joint family events with our children. My Mum was always very sweet & kind to them, as she was to everyone, and I could not understand why they would not want to go to pay their last respects to a lovely lady, let alone be there for their grandchildren. They did come in the end, but the fact that it was so much under duress really hurt me and I do resent it if I am honest.

goldopals · 31/07/2015 08:26

My circle goes to funerals for support. In year twelve a group of us missed most of a day of school to support a friend . The teachers were ok with it and rescheduled tests

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 31/07/2015 08:28

Sorry for your loss op Flowers just wanted to add balance as the in lawsmay care but see ffunerals differently and not know they'd be wanted/ welcome/ expected.

They may think they'd be"intruding on your grief" where you'd actually see it as support... It could just be different backgrounds and a "family culture" clash even if you're not from obviously different cultures.

Anaffaquine · 31/07/2015 08:33

I don't get on that well with my in-laws but they came to my mum's funeral. They didn't come to my dad's years before as Dh and I hadn't been together long.
Those who say you don't go to funerals to support the grieving, would you really expect my debit to have come to my dad's funeral with me because they didn't really know each other?

Yarp · 31/07/2015 09:10

MissJoMarch

I know what you mean

When MIL died, FIL (her ex DH) did not come to the funeral and, whilst I don't know if to come or not would be considered normal, I did/do feel that he should have been there to support his two sons.

Their mother died relatively young after a traumatic period of hospitalisation with cancer, with her sons and DILs spending a lot of time at her bedside. I think it would have been nice for him to come.

PrimalLass · 31/07/2015 09:50

I do think the concept of 'support' is sujective though. My mum is great, MIL is great, but they just don't know each other well enough to be a support in these circumstances.

BertrandRussell · 31/07/2015 09:58

I think in most cases "support" is the wrong word. Obviously, sometimes when you go to a funeral you're providing practical or emotional support to the bereaved family. But when I, in my Irishy-Italian way, go to the funeral of a friend's mum, for example like I did last week, what I am showing is solidarity. She didn't need any actual support, she had family and closer friends for that. I only exchanged a couple of words with her, and didn't go to the tea afterwards- but I "stood with her" in the church. I was one more person thinking about her and caring for her. And hymns sound better the more there are to sing them.

LindyHemming · 31/07/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheckpointCharlie · 31/07/2015 10:05

My parents went to my Mil funeral last week. We didnt even think about it so it was normal for us for them to attend.

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