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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 30/07/2015 21:25

Tota;;y depends on the relationship they had - on a personal level, not on a 'our dc are married to each other so therefore I ought to / needn't' level. It's going to vary a lot.

Also, things like if they are local, retired, at a loose end, or working, 6 hours away and not.

GoooRooo · 30/07/2015 21:26

No I wouldn't expect it. My parents didn't go to FIL's funeral and it never occurred to either me or DH that they would.

Flowers I'm so sorry for your loss

MissDemelzaCarne · 30/07/2015 21:26

I couldn't agree less Mrs Koala, funerals are for the living, not the dead.

Amummyatlast · 30/07/2015 21:27

I find this odd. Neither side have died yet, but when they do I'd be surprised if my in-laws attended and vice versa. I would want to be supported by my DH, not his parents.

Angria · 30/07/2015 21:27

YANBU.

I went to my ex SIL's mother's funeral (my brother's wife) and my mum went too (SIL's ex MIL). Hope that makes sense.

Wolpertinger · 30/07/2015 21:27

None of my ILs came to my Dad's funeral. They didn't know him and it would frankly have been odd. And I was being supported by other members of my family. If they had turned up to 'support' they would have been in the way TBH.

They'd have been welcome as guests but I'd have expected them to be very much in the background, not milling about with my family.

In the middle of grief I don't think I'd have reacted well to their offers of support either. Sort of 'We're here for you, you're like our child' 'Fuck off you aren't my Dad'. Grief isn't reasonable.

LaLyra · 30/07/2015 21:28

My PIL and BIL came to my Nana's funeral (she brought me up so was like my Mum). It was a great help because I knew that my DH would struggle to support me and the children (they'd never seen me that upset before) so knowing PIL were also there for them was a huge support to me.

Unless they live far away or have jobs that make time of difficult then I'd expect them to come along.

gabsdot45 · 30/07/2015 21:28

Here in Ireland it would be very normal to go to a funeral of a person you don't know to support someone you do know. I've been to lots of funerals of the parents of friends when I didn't know the parent.
If I was the OP it would be a no brainer, of course the inlaws would come to the funeral as would my friends and work colleagues.
AS you can imagine people in Ireland go to a lot of funerals

Bilberry · 30/07/2015 21:29

Allguns I don't really see how much support they would have been. At the time we didn't have children but MIL had all her kids there and DH his siblings. There was also MIL and FIL family (DH aunts/uncles, cousins) as well as lots of friends. The church was literally out the door with people. If you don't know the deceased or their family well then you are a bit of a spare part at the funeral. It would have put me in an awkward situation too - I was supporting DH but wouldn't have been able to ignore my parents who I only see about once every six months. If my parents were part of my FIL community then it would have been different.

MissDemelzaCarne · 30/07/2015 21:29

Now both my parents are gone, my siblings and I have always made sure our family was represented when my BILs have lost a parent.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 30/07/2015 21:30

Mind you, I'm Irish so I recognise something of a cultural chasm here. In Ireland it would be pretty much unheard of for ILs not to attend - unless there had been a complete relationship breakdown or there were health issues of some sort.

Minshu · 30/07/2015 21:30

None of my family attended FIL's funeral, but the parents of another of his DIL's did. The big difference being that her parents knew the PIL pretty well and mine didn't.

If you would like them to attend to provide support, you will need to spell out how much it would mean to you.

Sorry for your loss.

guineapig1 · 30/07/2015 21:30

Sorry for your loss. I too would expect your in,was to attend provided even if a fairly long drive involving am overnight stay provided they were in decent health. Sil is slightly different, depends on distance/work/childcare commitments etc but should have a good reason not to even if only met on a handful of occasions

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 30/07/2015 21:31

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

MrsKoala · 30/07/2015 21:32

Yes, the living who knew the dead person to mourn and say goodbye. Sorry, but i find it a bit mawkish, voyeuristic and misery touristy to want to be at a funeral of someone you never even met or didn't know very well. I'd be seriously Hmm if someone suggested they come to my Mums funeral if they didn't know her. I would assume they were just in it for free drinks/sandwiches.

I am an extremely reserved cultural protestant tho.

littlejohnnydory · 30/07/2015 21:32

I wouldn't expect that my parents in law would attend my parents' funerals or vice versa. I'd be surprised if they did. They all get on very well though. They live a distance apart though. They may do if they lived nearby. My mum's parents didn't attend my dad's dad's funeral either.

AliceAlice1979 · 30/07/2015 21:33

I'd definitely not expect it.

elismom · 30/07/2015 21:33

May your mum rest in peace.
And yes, I would expect my ILs to attend a funeral for my parents.

MissDemelzaCarne · 30/07/2015 21:34

I remember DD threw up at my DM's wake, just for a second I thought I couldn't cope anymore and MIL just appeared and took DD outside, I was so grateful.
I hope it goes well for you OP. Flowers

AliAliAlium · 30/07/2015 21:34

I absolutely would expect them to attend. PILs (for no good reason, they are reasonably local, retired and had no plans which couldn't have been easily changed) did not attend my brother's funeral and while I'm not exactly holding a grudge, it's not something that I'm able to completely forget either.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 30/07/2015 21:35

My PILS came to my Dad's funeral. My DM and DSIS came to my MILS funeral.

I did not expect it but they have always all got on very well.

weeonion · 30/07/2015 21:35

I'm Irish and like gabsdot says - at home it is the done thing to go to funerals of close relatives of friends and in-laws. I would expect someone from my family to attend an in-laws funeral.

sorry for the loss and hope you have plenty of support around you.

AlisonBlunderland · 30/07/2015 21:35

Depends on the geography and where your IL live compared to where memorial service will be.
You go to a funeral to pay your respects to deceased but also to support the brereaved, so I would expect IL to attend

longdiling · 30/07/2015 21:35

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Maybe they feel they need to be 'invited' or asked? Maybe they feel like they would be in the way? My parents didn't go to my FIL's funeral but they were looking after my 3 young children for me to go. I'm not sure if they'd have gone anyway though as they didn't know them very well because they lived so far apart and perhaps would have felt as if they were intruding?

UrethraFranklin1 · 30/07/2015 21:36

I would be very surprised that they didn't, especially if you get on with them and see them regularly.
My MIL flew overseas with my DH and I for my DM's funeral, didn't hesitate.