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Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
Wolpertinger · 05/08/2015 15:39

It's not just two people marrying, it's the coming together of two families

I wish someone had told me that before I got married, I don't think I would have been so keen Grin

Potentially, it is like that for some families and for some couples. For other families they aren't interested and for other couples they can't see what their family had to do with it.

Different families will have completely different ideas on this and if both families ideas are the same you are very very lucky.

I wanted to marry my DH, the rest of his family I could happily have never met. Now I know them quite well, I haven't changed my mind Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/08/2015 15:46

The way some people talk, you'd think they come from amazing dynasties that have linked their lands and fortunes together by marrying scions of each house! Grin

Horsemad · 05/08/2015 15:47

I agree Wolpertinger. I've never bought into this 'a marriage is a coming together of two families'. I couldn't care less about DH's family. I rarely see my own relatives, so I'm certainly not going to see his and I would be quite put out if they attended my parent's funeral - not ever likely due to distance.

Mehitabel6 · 05/08/2015 16:16

Each to their own. DH certainly got my family when he married me- they were not optional.
It would seem strange to have a granddaughter who is just like your son-in-law 's mother and not know the woman- or it would to me. But then I saw both my grandmothers together quite often and my DCs have had the same.
I know my husband's cousin's wife's mother quite well but that is the way that I like it. The more the merrier.

Wolpertinger · 05/08/2015 16:42

Husband's cousin's wife's mother

Up until I read this, it hadn't actually occurred to me that DH might have cousins Shock

limitedperiodonly · 05/08/2015 17:09

The way some people talk, you'd think they come from amazing dynasties that have linked their lands and fortunes together by marrying scions of each house!

That's unpleasant ThumbWitchesAbroad

Whether you put a Grin on it or not.

Powaqa · 05/08/2015 17:26

I am really sorry for your loss

I am one of the insular people, I would be quite narked if my PIl came to one of my parents funerals. They don't know each other and I am afraid that I wouldn't see it as support but more of a "WTF" moment.

I am still not in contact with my brother as the final straw in our relationship was when he bought his new partner to my exh funeral three years ago. They had never met and I didn't feel it was the place and that it was disrespectful.

I would feel the same about my own funeral, I wouldnt expect people there who didnt have some kind of relationship with me

Bunbaker · 05/08/2015 17:28

"Is it not normal for inlaws to meet before the wedding anyway???"

It depends. It wasn't really possible in my case. They lived too far apart and it was too expensive to travel to see someone just to say hello.

limitedperiodonly · 05/08/2015 17:58

At my mother's funeral there was a rift, probably irrevocable, between me and my sister.

She said she was a private person and didn't want 'all and sundry' - she kept using that phrase, I felt quite offensively - invited to the funeral.

I didn't feel it was liberty hall and an excuse for freeloaders to scoff the prawn sandwiches, but wanted my mother's friends - or all and sundry as my sister described them - to come along, so invited them and directed them to the funeral directors for advice. My sister had contact with the funeral directors too.

What do you think happened? Hmm

My mother had loads more friends than I will ever have even if I start cultivating them tomorrow Grin.

She'll definitely have more friends than my sister, who is quite insular, will ever have. Our mother was not. .

It was a very lonely church with nine mourners. Nine people for a woman who was loved by loads. That church should have been packed.

I can't forgive my sister for blocking them but I imagine she dislikes me too.

To say there was a row about it afterwards is a bit of an understatement

limitedperiodonly · 05/08/2015 18:09

I feel very angry about my mother's lonely church.

Mehitabel6 · 05/08/2015 18:20

If my husband didn't even know I had cousins, let alone be willing to meet them I wouldn't have married him. It is very abusive to cut someone off from their family. He got them all - cousins will be invited to stay. He has a lifetime of my parents and siblings, great aunts etc I didn't come alone and neither did he.
I was never aware that funerals had to be by invitation. Anyone can attend- whether they get refreshments is different, but there is nothing sadder than a sparsely attended funeral.
We went out for a meal with DILs family before the wedding. Maybe that is what made it such a lovely day. Everyone mixed in together.
I can see that some people don't have this, but don't understand why this insular view is seen as desirable.

limitedperiodonly · 05/08/2015 18:24

there is nothing sadder than a sparsely attended funeral.

YY

Powaqa · 05/08/2015 18:32

I've got cousins I haven't even met, let alone my husband. He has two brothers, one I last saw 8 years ago at our wedding and the other I have never met

I am sure it's not that unusual

Hangingbasket14 · 05/08/2015 18:45

My parents and my DB attended my FIL funeral as did lots of DH's friends. I have attended the funerals of the parents of all my close friends (with the family's blessing). I think it depends on how you personally view a funeral, a personal 'goodbye' or a day to celebrate and think of a person who was important in their own right and also to a wider family group or community. Sorry for your loss OP

Amummyatlast · 05/08/2015 18:57

I have approx 12 cousins and 11 children of cousins (I lose count). Some of them I have never met and most I haven't seen since they were children. DH has met some of them, but probably wouldn't recognise them if they passed in the street. Hell, I probably wouldn't recognise most of them.

PIL met my family once before the wedding, at the wedding itself, and for the past couple of years have met at DD's birthday party. I'd still find it odd if they attended the funerals.

kua · 05/08/2015 19:06

At my mums funeral my exH his wife and ex parents in law came to pay the respects.

There was no invite as such just the ad in the paper and word of mouth.

TBH I really didn't think too much about who would be there and did not notice all who were till after.

I think it was nice that they came to support myself and DS. Even though our family is "split" so to speak, I am glad that we can come together at times of grief and for that matter joy. Though we may not have the same relationship we once had.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Mehitabel6 · 05/08/2015 19:19

If you have never met them then you don't have a problem. You don't have a problem if you are both the same with your family. Perhaps like meet like and it works.
I have a close extended family and they certainly were not an option for DH - luckily he likes them.

derxa · 05/08/2015 19:25

I feel very angry about my mother's lonely church.
Sorry limitedperiodonly that was horrible of your sister. What right did she have to do this? I cannot understand that way of thinking.

MapleTownAndMe · 05/08/2015 19:28

Sorry for your loss OP. They should have come. If they weren't sure they could have asked what you wanted them to do, I don't think anyone needs an invite.

DBro has been married to Sil for 20 years, when they were planning their wedding both families got together to meet before hand somewhere half way ( they are 2.5hr drive away) fair to say our families are very different but we have always got on. When the children came along we had more reasons to meet them, christenings, communions, confirmations, birthdays and even just randomly happen to visit at the same time.

Then 12 years ago her DF and our DF died 6 months apart. Both families attended the father's funerals without question. Unfortunately that was the start of many bereavements on Sil's side, including her own Dsister tragically. As it stands now, Dsil and her Dm only really have each other left so we include her in all our family events, she attended my siblings weddings and she comes to us along with Dbro, Dsil and family for Christmas naturally. The two Dmother's have even started holidaying abroad together!

We also met Dbil (sisters husband) family before the wedding, (I too always thought everyone did this, assuming they aren't overseas or something) they are 2 hr drive away. If a member of his family died we would also attend that funeral.

I go to funerals of people I don't know for various reasons as mentioned up thread and I'm no funeral lover it's just what you do here. And yes, often there are children present.

Genuine question here - if you don't go to the wake/funeral and sympathise with the bereaved at the time, how do you address it after? For example if you meet them in the supermarket or if it's a colleague and they return to work do you say 'sorry your mum died by the way' or do you never mention it?

Horsemad · 05/08/2015 19:42

I would send a card but not necessarily attend the funeral. I would verbally acknowledge their bereavement when I met them next.
I would ALWAYS extend my sympathies, just not attend the funeral.

kua · 05/08/2015 20:15

^same as the above. Sadly I had to do this today.

hollyisalovelyname · 05/08/2015 20:26

Mapletown are you in the UK ?
The Irish do funerals very differently to the English.

hollyisalovelyname · 05/08/2015 20:30

I think English weddings are very different to Irish ones also.
I've never been to an English wedding.

limitedperiodonly · 05/08/2015 20:48

Thanks derxa

It's not anyone's fault. Not even my sister's - I'm trying to be understanding. We all do things differently Grin.

I am very bitter about it though.

It really hurt to sit in a beautiful church that could have seated about 120 people at a funeral that my mum planned and paid for, because she knew she was going to go, with 12 of us - I said nine but I forgot that her neighbour and her two daughters came along at the last minute. My friend, who knew my mum came with me (she was all and sundry) Grin and two of her friends were waiting for us at the church

My mum paid for two funeral limousines and if her neighbour and her daughters, who were some of her closest friends, hadn't come, the second car would have been empty.

I cannot tell you how many friends my mum had. She collected them like stamps - if that's not a rude thing to say. She just did. It was effortless for her. Most people evangelise about their mum but truly, people adored her.

She died in a December and she had lots of friends near me - we lived about an hour apart by train and she came to see me every week.

I told them in the new year and eight of them instantly said: 'Oh no! If only you'd said, I'd have come.'

I think they meant it.

My sister said: 'They were just saying that.'

What can you do?

Someone said earlier on this thread that many people on MN are insular and live in a bubble of their little family.

Someone else said that she didn't believe that.

I'm afraid I believe the first person.

Bunbaker · 05/08/2015 20:52

Limited Flowers

Your post made me feel angry on your behalf.

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