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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
Fromparistoberlin73 · 30/07/2015 21:36

So so sad for your loss OP xxx

Funerals can and grief are so hard

I truly do not know - but sending love

BloodyClarey · 30/07/2015 21:37

I'm so sorry. My DP's mum and sister came to my mum's funeral from another country last month and they'd never even met her. It was to support me and show I'm part of their family. Yours should be doing the same.

minsmum · 30/07/2015 21:37

I would expect them to come to the funeral but I too am from an Irish background and that is what you do to support the family. However my mil and sil have never even bothered to acknowledge my mother's death last December, for which I will never forgive them

AlisonBlunderland · 30/07/2015 21:37

My In laws did not attend my father's funeral but it would have required 2 separate flights to get there, and it took place a mere 3 days after his death

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 30/07/2015 21:38

No, my DPs didn't come to any of my inlaws funerals. Just as my inlaws haven't been to any of our family's. They never met each other , don't think they even spoke at our wedding.

My parents have always been there to look after the kids if needed but it would be odd for them to come to the funeral.

If you want them to come, why don't you ask them?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

BertrandRussell · 30/07/2015 21:38

"Here in Ireland it would be very normal to go to a funeral of a person you don't know to support someone you do know. I've been to lots of funerals of the parents of friends when I didn't know the parent."

Yep, me too.

Littleen · 30/07/2015 21:39

I would definitely expect them to be there, if it was in reasonable distance for them. My mum passed away but lives in another country, so I did not expect any of the in laws to come to the funeral, but would have if it was somewhere closer.

Topseyt · 30/07/2015 21:40

So sorry to hear about your Mum. It must be very difficult for you at the moment.

How well or otherwise did your parents know your in-laws? That would have some bearing on it, I would think.

My parents didn't go to the funerals of either of my PIL. They had met them a couple of times over the 30 years DH and I have been an item, but in reality they hardly knew each other at all and would never have had much in common. The last time they actually socialised at all was at our wedding, 22 years ago now. They have not met since then at all as far as I can remember.

I never would have expected them to attend, but perhaps your parents and in-laws had a closer relationship??

LionsDontWeaveLentils · 30/07/2015 21:41

I wouldn't expect them to attend and my pil didn't attend my mum's funeral earlier this year. I imagine that they may see this as a private time for your family and close friends, and not want to intrude. I think different people have very different ideas of what is right in this situation and they just have a different idea to you.

Have you invited them or asked if they would like to attend?

Timetodrive · 30/07/2015 21:41

My MIL attended both my parents funerals, she is Irish and in accepting me into the family she views my family as her family. She travelled a few hundred miles and stayed very much in the background. I appreciate what she did but I would not of thought any less if she had not of attended. I have been to two funerals of people I have not met.

MissDemelzaCarne · 30/07/2015 21:42

"Here in Ireland it would be very normal to go to a funeral of a person you don't know to support someone you do know. I've been to lots of funerals of the parents of friends when I didn't know the parent."

Likewise and I'm in England, the NorthWest.

Topseyt · 30/07/2015 21:44

I tell a lie. They all attended the christenings of our DDs.

I still wouldn't say they were at all close though, and they did live several hours drive apart.

Kayden · 30/07/2015 21:45

"Here in Ireland it would be very normal to go to a funeral of a person you don't know to support someone you do know. I've been to lots of funerals of the parents of friends when I didn't know the parent."

Yes, same in the Jewish culture. It's considered respectful to attend and it would be frowned upon in this situation if you didn't.

OP, I am so sorry for loss. Flowers Of course your ILs should be there. My paternal grandmother recently died and my mum came (even though she divorced my dad many years ago). My maternal grandparents also came to pay their respects. It meant a lot to my dad and to me.

Jen1610 · 30/07/2015 21:47

I think the responses you will get on here will vary dependant on people's set ups and relationships with their in laws. I am extremely close to mine and like a second daughter and they are just like parents to me. They also know my parents (who are divorced) my dad more so than my mum. We all live in the same town so they would definitely come and to be honest they are my family and close to us.

A pp said they have never known people go to a funeral of someone they didn't meet. My step mum passed away (in laws came) and a workmate who was on holiday had her son come in her place to show respect and I was very touched by that.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 30/07/2015 21:47

I wonder does it make a difference that Irish wakes/funerals are usually 3 day affairs - so easier to attend one service, not have to take time of work etc?

Jen1610 · 30/07/2015 21:48

Sorry forgot to say I am sorry for your loss op Flowers

PrimalLass · 30/07/2015 21:52

My FIL died in April and my mum didn't come to the funeral. She looked after our kids instead.

vvviola · 30/07/2015 21:53

Another Irish yes here (although in my case MIL would have to travel halfway around the world so I wouldn't expect her to come!)

But otherwise, yes. My Grandfather's funeral was made predominantly of people who were friends of my parents/mine, not all of whom had met my grandfather. Even 4 work colleague of mine.

Funerals are such an expected part of life that there's actually a section in our work handbook on attendance at funerals divided into close relatives/others etc Smile

Flowers for you OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe your DP could have a quiet word if you think you would like your IL to be there.

PrimalLass · 30/07/2015 21:55

I totally agree with you MrsKoala. My MIl and my mum rub along fine together, but I'm sure that MIL would not have wanted my mum there. It's all just too personal.

Mehitabel6 · 30/07/2015 21:55

If they want to come of course they should- after 26 yrs as part of your family.

SnapesCapes · 30/07/2015 21:55

My MIL would come because she's close to my Mum; they go out for afternoon teas and posh nonsense every so often, and talk regularly (they drop one another in it frequently, too). SIL wouldn't, and probably wouldn't even acknowledge my loss.

Flowers OP, I agree with PP who've suggested asking them if they could be there to offer you some support.

Mehitabel6 · 30/07/2015 21:57

It is also very common to go to a funeral to support someone.

Salmotrutta · 30/07/2015 22:01

Very sorry for your loss OPFlowers.

It's very normal up here in Scotland for In Laws to attend the funeral of a parent to a DIL/SIL.

Even if they only met at family occasions.

It's also normal to attend the funerals of the parents of friends - to support the friends - even if you didn't know the parents well.

It's got nothing to do with being "mawkish and voyeuristic" Hmm and everything to do with showing solidarity with the bereaved.

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 30/07/2015 22:03

I'm in northern ireland. My in laws - FIL, mil, sil, and bil - all flew over for my fathers funeral.
We have burials here within 3 days, so short notice for them. But it would have been odd if they weren't there.
It's normal here though.
I will attend funerals of the parents of colleagues who I've never met to show support to the bereaved. Wouldn't attend the wake though in that case.

I'm sorry for your loss.

LavenderLeigh · 30/07/2015 22:06

I didn't expect my then MIL to come to my Dads funeral (she's Irish, I'm in Scotland)
I was taken aback when she asked if he'd had the last rites though. When I said yes, she replied "in that case I'll get a Mass said for him." I thought that was so cruel, as Dad had Altzheimers, couldn't talk and didn't know who I was far less have a concept of God. None of the priests I know would have even considered such a thing necessary in order to a Mass for his soul. It jus seemed so cruel.
IMO funerals are two fold, there is the paying your last respects and there is also letting the family know you care about them. Both seem equally important.