Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 30/07/2015 23:16

I think it is cultural. I am Irish.

My sis, BIL and both elderly parents traveled to my FIL's funeral. As did many of my friends who would not have known him except at our wedding but who are close to me and dh. My in laws (MIL BILs, SIL) all traveled to go to my parents' funerals. I would have been slightly shocked if they hadn't. My MIL was fab at both - handling the children for us and being a real support. She didn't meet my parents very often but she was very fond of them and they did have a big connection - shared grandchildren. Apart from that, she would have gone for me just like my other friends did.

I loved seeing people at my parents' funerals. Like kids who had grown up on our street but who I hadn't seen in years. They all came just out of respect for my parents who had lived on the street for 50 years. It also was like a representation of different parts of their lives. One man in his 40s remembers my mother dropping him to a party age 5 when his mother (our neighbour) was stuck - all those years later and he had a nice memory of my mother, then a young woman, to share.

But it is definitely different in different cultures. no right or wrong.

Canyouforgiveher · 30/07/2015 23:17

and sorry for your loss OP.

Horsemad · 30/07/2015 23:21

My DM and StepF wouldn't come to my in-laws and I'd prefer to not see my in-laws at any close family funeral on my side, so I don't expect they'd ever attend.
I personally wouldn't attend a funeral unless I knew the deceased.

Salmotrutta · 30/07/2015 23:22

My parents attended my FILs funeral to support my DH - because he is also part of their family.

They certain,y didn't just do it "all for show" - they didn't know FIL very well but they do know my DH very well.

It's quite offensive to suggest that people attending a funeral to support the bereaved are doing it "just for show".

hunibuni · 30/07/2015 23:32

DH and his parents attended his ex MIL'S funeral because they wanted to pay their respect and to support DSD1&2. She had asked for him to visit before she passed, which he did, because they would have been civil towards each other after the divorce and were quite fond of each other. Irish family so it would have been rude if he hadn't attended.

Guiltydilemma · 30/07/2015 23:36

Sorry for your loss. I agree it's cultural. I was brought up in England and found there you only really went to someones funeral if you knew them really well. In Scotland I've found myself going to friends mums funerals to support them even if I don't know their mum. Because I know that's the culture and I would offend not going. The norm may vary depending whereabouts in England you are too. I'd try not to be hurt by them not going. I'm sure they didn't mean to offend but maybe didn't want to impose on your immediate family xx

JohnCusacksWife · 30/07/2015 23:40

Of course they should come. Even if they didn't know her well they know you and your DH. THEir presence is to support you both.

oddfodd · 30/07/2015 23:41

Yes I would. It's respect as much as anything else.

treaclesoda · 30/07/2015 23:49

I'm in N Ireland and here it is definitely a sign of respect to go to a funeral, not necessarily because you were close to the deceased, but just to show your solidarity with the family. I've been to loads of funerals where I had never met the person. Been to loads of funeral services where the house was so packed that we were just standing outside in the street for an hour whilst the minister conducted the service inside, and the close family probably didn't even know I was there. But it's still just how things are done here.

I would only go to the house for the wake if it was a close friend or relative though - that is the 'personal' bit.

LunaMay · 30/07/2015 23:53

Here (Australia), it's totally normal where I'm from to go to a funeral to support someone you know ,even if you didn't know their parent well, not in a hands on way unless needed and it doesn't mean you always go on to the wake etc

Allgunsblazing · 31/07/2015 07:03

It's a very sensitive subject. But, as I said upthread, I don't understand why you wouldn't support the bereaved. it's alien to me, the mere concept. mrskoala, I have just been through a very very traumatic bereavement. I did not think for one moment that the people who flew across the world to come and support me were doing it for the show of it. Pretty sure they would have rather continued with their lives undisturbed rather than watching me cry and be spaced out. I did not make a pretty sight and neither did the whole utterly devastating siuation.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2015 07:07

Sorry for your sad loss, such a shock Thanks

I think it's a tricky one and depends a lot on how close your family (ILs too) are - my MIL didn't come to my mother's funeral, but I expect if she'd been in the country at the time she would have.

I'm trying to think in my family who would have done this and the answer is probably no one - but then my father and mother came from places 3h apart, so when Dad's parents died, it was a 3h trip to go to the funeral, naturally I wouldn't have expected my other grandparents to do the trip as well.

FirstOfficerDouglasRichardson · 31/07/2015 07:10

I'd expect mine to and they would. My parents and my in laws barely know each other but I would still expect them to as support for me, DH and their grandchild.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

CactusAnnie · 31/07/2015 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2015 07:24

Yes, I'm surprised by that comment too - recently a school mum friend's Dad died - I was going to go to his funeral, not because I knew him (had met him very briefly a couple of times) but purely to support the friend. As it turned out, I couldn't get there (hospital appts) but I would have gone otherwise.

Funerals are, IMO, for the mourners to say goodbye to the departed - and they sometimes need support to do that. So I go to support people, or to say goodbye, depending on whether or not I knew the actual deceased person. (And no, I don't go to many! Only ones I have some personal connection with, whether it's the actual person or their relatives)

Mehitabel6 · 31/07/2015 07:24

Funerals are for the living and so I find it very strange that you wouldn't go as support. I also didn't realise that you were supposed to be invited- in my experience you just go if you want to pay respect to the person who has died or give support to the people left. It always seems nicer when the service is packed.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2015 07:28

Cactus - I'm also quite shocked that you were told not to come to a funeral as you'd never met her - how very bloody rude! Shock I don't think that is a cultural norm at all, just rude people.

Bunbaker · 31/07/2015 07:33

"The fact that the PILs didn't know each other is strange enough"

Why?

My parents and in-laws lived hundreds of miles apart. They met each other once - at our wedding. When my parents died I didn't expect my in-laws to come to their funerals as they didn't know them at all. Besides, it would have cost them a lot in travel and hotels - money the simply didn't have.

Sorry for your loss missnevermind Flowers

"don't they both turn up at christenings, birthdays, graduations , school plays etc etc etc"

Not everyone has their families on their doorstep.

I admit that I'm surprised that most posters on here would expect the in-laws to attend. My cultural background is such that only people who knew the deceased would go to a funeral. That said I recently went to a couple of funerals, one to support my best friend whose mother had died, and another to support a fellow student of DD who had lost his mother. Although I did actually know both the people in question.

mrsdavidbowie · 31/07/2015 07:35

I never got a sympathy card or indeed any acknowledgement that my dad had died, from my ILs. But they had only met him once at our wedding.
In fact h didn't come to the funeral either.. He looked after the dcs.

I didn't go to MILs funeral.

I've only ever attended my parents' funeral and I'm mid fifties.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2015 07:38

My in laws and my parents met on the day of our wedding 26 years ago and haven't met since.
They didn't meet at school plays etc because my in laws never attended those things.
When my dad died my in laws never attended. I never would have expected them to and whilst I wouldn't have objected I would not particularly have wanted them there.
If my DH loses a parent my mother will want to be supportive to him and would, I'm sure, go to a funeral if he wanted her to.

People are different, view this things differently. There is no right or wrong way. Huffing about 'I can't understand x or y' is pretty stupid really. Relationships are complicated, especially around death.

Notagainmun · 31/07/2015 07:38

I would be there for my DIL and DS if her parents died.

SugarPlumTree · 31/07/2015 07:43

FlowersReally sorry for your loss. I agree that it seems to be a cultural thing. I went with DH to his BIL's funeral earlier this year and I had never met him but wanted to be there out of respect for SIL and her children who I had met and because DH's sibling's partners would all be going so it would be expected.

FIL is currently dying in Spain. It's all a bit stessful but I think what will happen is the 4 children and partners will fly out for cremation there then his ashes and MIL's (who died a few years ago) will be brought back to England to be scattered together with the rest of the family present.

It won't come up about my Dad and his partner attending that as it just isn't like that with DH's family and as as FIL didn't come to our wedding or DD's christening Dad and FIL have never met. I think DH's family would think it really strange if my Dad came, it's just how they are. My Dad is extremely fond of DH and would want to support him but I know it just won't come up as an issue as it wouldn't occur to either side of the family in the circumstances.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2015 07:43

There are many reasons why ILs don't know each other.

My MIL met my mother on her deathbed, pretty much. MIL had come over from Australia for our wedding, my mother was in hospital the whole time she was over, and died the day they left to go back to Australia. Mum asked for MIL to come to see her, and MIL, being a nurse, did that without question.

MIL does know my Dad, but he's in the UK - so she's not likely to fly to the UK for his funeral whenever that occurs (hopefully not for years!). Certainly my Dad wouldn't (couldn't!) fly to Australia for her funeral, should she go first; and nor would my sister or her family. And I reallly really wouldn't expect them to!

elliejjtiny · 31/07/2015 07:45

My PIL came to my dad's funeral. I had 4 young dc's and it was good to have someone who could take them out if necessary during the service and an extra pair of hands afterwards.

sadwidow28 · 31/07/2015 07:47

So sorry for your loss. You must still be in such a state of shock.

Yes, my parents came to my FIL's funeral. My DM used to phone my FIL once a week when he became house-bound. It was 'an extra phone call' for him. They travelled 150 miles to support my DH (and me) on the sad occasion.

One of my DBs and SILs also attended (they travelled 200 miles). Again, they attended to give support to my DH.

Swipe left for the next trending thread