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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
Cocacolaandchocolate · 30/07/2015 22:06

So sorry for your lost op

Yes I would hope my mil and fil would attend my parents funeral to support me and vice versa if it was my dh mum or dad. Wine

TheRealAmyLee · 30/07/2015 22:21

So sorry for your loss.

In my experience it depends on the ils and your relationship with them. My dad attended mils funeral but fil did not attend my mums. Both decisions felt equally right.

MrsKoala · 30/07/2015 22:21

I suppose i just don't get the concept of 'support' or 'solidarity' because another person is present when i am grieving. How does that lessen my feelings in any way? How would it make me feel better? It would just feel beyond awkward and trivialising my grief for a stranger of the deceased to be present.

Helping is a different thing. Ie today my Mum helped look after the dc while DH and i attended Mils funeral, and then she brought them along to the wake after. She was there to look after them, not to attend in her own right. That was supportive, as it meant i could grieve. Just standing there near me would have made no difference at all.

It just feels all for show.

Mehitabel6 · 30/07/2015 22:26

I never understand how people keep families separate - it seems odd - don't they both turn up at christenings, birthdays, graduations , school plays etc etc etc

Yarp · 30/07/2015 22:27

I am sorry for your loss.

In my case, yes, I would expect them to attend.

My mum and dad attended the funeral of my MIL - to support my DH and myself, and to take my DS1 (then age 2) out when necessary.

They had met MIL about 3 times, but more pertinently, I think, get on very well with my DH.

BertrandRussell · 30/07/2015 22:28

Mehitabel- if more people thought like that there would be half the number of threads on mumsnet........

PrimalLass · 30/07/2015 22:31

I never understand how people keep families separate

You never understand it? What about geographical reasons? Or just simply being different types of people.

bruffin · 30/07/2015 22:32

My mum and mil ended up best of friends. My DM and sister went to MIL funeral and my BIL went to DM funeral.

MissJoMarch · 30/07/2015 22:32

My SIL's dad came to my Dads funeral and I was really touched.

My MIL did nothing to help.

Its awful to admit, but I judge my MIL for not coming & somewhere deep inside me I've chalked up a bad mark against her. I'm being honest here.

When the chips are down and you loose someone close, we all want different things but I expect nearest and dearest to pull themselves together and ASK what's needed.

Just my thoughts. I'm sorry for your loss, sending you a strong hand hold

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 30/07/2015 22:33

My dhs family barely speak to eachother let alone my family!! We are culturally very different, they have nothing in common.

Mehitabel6 · 30/07/2015 22:34

Grin BertrandRussell]
I am just lazy- much simpler at Christmas etc to have them all together.
My mother even went on holiday with my ILs without us been there- made life much simpler.
I have just become a MIL but get in well with 'the other side' so it will be very odd if we never see them again and the wedding was a one off.

Verypissedoffwife · 30/07/2015 22:34

My EX in laws came to my Dad's funeral. And they has been "ex" for 3 years at the time. My ex file (who has sadly also now died) said to me that he would never try to replace my Dad but he'd try to be the best grandfather he could be, both to my 2 eldest (who were his natural grandkids ) and my youngest (who wasn't ). And he absolutely stuck to his word.

My current in laws didn't come but that's because they're all arseholes.

vvviola · 30/07/2015 22:34

I really do think it's cultural MrsK. In my case, I was touched that colleagues had come out to express their condolences (my team were all away on business, I'd had to come home suddenly), my friends were a genuine support that day and others, and those who had heard me tell stories of my grandfather were able to remind me of "remember the time when..."

My colleagues didn't hang around - they came to the front of the church, hugged me, said how sorry they were and to let them know if they could do anything. There was no awkwardness or weirdness.

If it was MIL or an inlaw, yes they'd be there to help too (I have spend many a funeral wake making sandwiches in the kitchen) but it's part of the community acknowledgement of "you are hurting and we are here for you".

But I can understand how it might feel weird if you aren't used to the community-style funerals that are so much a part of Irish culture.

Vijac · 30/07/2015 22:35

I think my mil and Fil would come but not sil. However, I do think it is your role to invite them. Otherwise they may think you want just close family.

DevaDiva · 30/07/2015 22:38

I would expect support from my husbands family as I would support them too.

wigglybeezer · 30/07/2015 22:39

I'm in Scotland and would expect in-laws to attend funerals of my family members, I know my parents drove all the way to Wales to go to my sisters MIl's funeral, And I attend the funerals of friend's parents and elderly neighbours too, everyone I know does it too, but then, Mumsnet horror of horrors, quite a few parents of friends and aquaintances of my MIL joined us uninvited in the church at our wedding !

fairfat40 · 30/07/2015 22:46

Although I'm English, my mum is Irish, and to me it is right in laws would come to a funeral in this situation. Fascinating the quirks in culture though. I recently went to the funeral of man I haven't seen in years because he was the brother of my dhs oldest pal - it kind of felt right.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2015 22:47

I suppose i just don't get the concept of 'support' or 'solidarity' because another person is present when i am grieving. How does that lessen my feelings in any way? How would it make me feel better? It would just feel beyond awkward and trivialising my grief for a stranger of the deceased to be present.

My father's funeral was standing room only. I was really proud that he'd touched so many people's lives and they wanted to pay their respects.
And it made me feel better.

And if anything ever happens to my DC's in-laws, yes I would go to their funerals.

montserratSang · 30/07/2015 22:50

I am not mawkish. In Ireland you go to funerals to show your respects. Family, friends parents and close relatives, work mates close relatives. It's just what you do in my culture.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 30/07/2015 22:51

My parents said they would do whatever was most helpful/wanted - come to the funeral of my FIL, or look after our DC whilst DH and I attended. In the event, they drove 200 miles, paid for a hotel room, picked up the DC and took them out for the morning, delivered them to the drinks afterwards and spent 15 minutes talking to MIL then drove 200 miles home again. It was greatly appreciated and I know that MIL was very grateful that she could have one DC there solely to look after her/get jobs done without having to worry about DGC, also that we could ferry other relatives. Had we not had such young DC, I am sure my parents would have come to the funeral without discussion. As others have said, regardless of the relationship between DPs/PILs, they're family by marriage, and the support is for the living.

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Original poster
missnevermind · 30/07/2015 22:52

Thank you. So many replies.

I don't mind either way if they come. I just didn't know what was normal. It looks as though it's different for everybody.

When StepFIL died my parents had my children for the day/night so we could attend. So they didn't go themselves. When FIL died only SIL attended as per his wishes.

I think I would not have expected MIL to come. But SIL we are quite close to and she has meet Mum loads at family get togethers and just visiting at the same times.
I have quite a few friends coming that have meet mum in passing and have automatically said to let them know the arrangements so that they can be there. But I think that might be the large family/Irish Heritage thing.

OP posts:
SocialMediaAddict · 30/07/2015 22:53

Mine would.

Sorry for your loss.

fourtothedozen · 30/07/2015 22:57

Mine wouldn't come, The two sides of our family barely know each other.

FieryWill · 30/07/2015 22:58

In Wales it's also normal and expected even that you go to support the bereaved whether you knew the deceased or had never met them. Also common if you can't make it for unavoidable reasons to send a representative of the family.

This must be a cultural thing.

Op I'm so sorry about your mum Flowers

Kahlua4me · 30/07/2015 23:11

Sorry for your loss. My DM died suddenly in an accident in May and the pain I feel every day is immense.

All my in laws came to my mums funeral and have been fantastic at supporting me and dh ever since. All my friends and db's friends came too. They all knew her but also came to show their love for us.

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