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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

256 replies

CatherineU · 13/06/2015 18:02

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 13/06/2015 18:04

Yes, it's rude and hurtful.

How disappointing.

Are you going to say anything? (I'm sure you'll get lots of suggestions)

gatlinout · 13/06/2015 18:04

YANBU that's very rude.

Is it possible that they're put out at being second on the agenda to your family?

SilverBirch2015 · 13/06/2015 18:07

It does sound as if there was some confusion about the arrangements.

Did the DH's side of the family attend the communion?

Perhaps they were offended not to be invited back afterwards. It sounds a bit like only being invited to the evening do at a wedding. I know that wasn't you intention, but maybe that's what it is about.

Only1scoop · 13/06/2015 18:09

Did they attend the service?

Maybe they feel a little like they are evening guests at a wedding and your family have been put first.

PotteringAlong · 13/06/2015 18:09

Were they at the church?

fastdaytears · 13/06/2015 18:09

Yes, what gatlinout said. Your family got the "best" slot being straight after the service so they may have had their noses put a bit out of joint by that. But whatever the reason, not to turn up is not on and they should understand that you have to make things ok for your DS.
Do they live fairly close to you or would they have been hanging around while your family was at yours?
Happy to come and help with the buffet. No food to be found anywhere in this house...

ItsJustPaint · 13/06/2015 18:11

Don't let them get to you and spoil what will have otherwise been s lovely special day.

Drink all the wine instead yourselves Smile

Floggingmolly · 13/06/2015 18:12

They decided to go food shopping instead? How bloody rude! Hope your dd wasn't too upset Sad
When dd had hers; the Irish branch of the family didn't show at the last minute because their plane had been "struck by lightening".

Turned out an electrical storm had done something briefly to the lights (while they were still on the ground), and they'd scarpered off the flight.
The plane apparently took off safely 20 minutes later... Poor dd was gutted.

LindyHemming · 13/06/2015 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntyMag10 · 13/06/2015 18:17

Maybe they felt it was rude of you to have your own family over first. After the event seemed like it was lunch time and they had to go off while your family could come over?

TheMoa · 13/06/2015 18:17

It was a bit rude of them not to show up, but it was outrageously rude of you to pretty much decide that half of the family were second class guests.

Being told to bugger off after the service, and come back after your family had left would piss anyone off, and it would have reached full 'rankle' potential when the point to part ways came after mass.

I'd have invited fewer people to start with, or mixed the families at am/pm. GP's (both lots!) and closer relatives for the service and morning, and a kids thing later on.

Weebirdie · 13/06/2015 18:21

I completely understand arrangements needing to be put in place for your son because my 24 year old is also on the spectrum and even now we have to manage social occasions carefully.

But that said, I think where the problem lay is that your DH's family took umbrage at your family being invited back immediately after the ceremony. I think I would have done it as granny and granddads back after the ceremony and aunts and uncles etc to come later in the day.

AuntyMag10 · 13/06/2015 18:22

Actually maybe the food shopping the pil had to do was a PA message for your not inviting them as well. I understand why you had to have smaller groups over at a time but that doesn't mean it wasn't rude none the less.

BelindaBagwash · 13/06/2015 18:32

Sounds rude and unreasonable to me.

Something similar happened to me. We had a dedication service for our DCs as that's what our church believed in. There was no piss-up party afterwards as I don't think that's relevant to the occasion. DH's family didn't even turn up as they said it wasn't worth just going to the church if there wasn't a knees-up afterwards.

bakingaddict · 13/06/2015 18:34

Sorry I understand the rationale for what you but you messed up big time when you left your DP's family looking like the inferior relatives. You should have had both both sets of GP's over in the first wave and then aunts and uncles later in the day. Hope you make it up to your DP's parents but you may have already done a lot of damage and I can imagine they will be weary of future celebrations in which they feel somewhat excluded from the main event

AuntyMag10 · 13/06/2015 18:35

Belinda your situation is totally different to the opConfused her il did come to the communion.

InexperiencedDisneyMum · 13/06/2015 18:40

You made them feel like second best I think having them round later on. The communion at the church is the main part of the day and then the celebration afterwards.

AnyoneForTennis · 13/06/2015 18:40

Can't say I blame them really. What were they supposed to do inbetween. Wouldn't you have been better hiring a hall or venue and removing your ds when he'd had enough?

BelindaBagwash · 13/06/2015 18:40

I meant that I felt that OP's ILs had been rude, just as mine had been. Sorry if it didn't come across clearly

Tizwailor · 13/06/2015 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseNowt · 13/06/2015 18:48

Doesn't staggering the party just prolong the period of disruption?

In any event, yes they were rude in how they communicated they wouldn't be coming but I can understand why they were put out at being 'second tier' guests.
Fault on both sides really.

viva100 · 13/06/2015 18:49

YANBU to be annoyed - they said they were coming, they should have been there. Your arrangement would have offended me as well BUT if I were your SIL/MIL I would have discussed that with you instead of being all passive aggressive and not turning up.
I don't understand these families where people don't just TALK to each other.
In conclusion - you were unreasonable but they were even worse

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 13/06/2015 18:54

I understand why you had to arrange it that way, but it probably felt like a bit too much hassle to go out, go home then go out again all for one event, especially as they would feel like the second rate guests.

I hope your dd had a good day anyway.

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 13/06/2015 18:55

Were you drunk or pissed off?

Weebirdie · 13/06/2015 19:03

I think they said they would come but on the day the reality of the OP's parents going back to the house hurt the in laws to much so they changed their plans.

I think this was handled really badly by the OP and her husband but there are times when you have a child on the spectrum you are so tired etc that you cant do right for doing wrong.