To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

[CatherineU]

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

Don't worry OP I renember when ds1 was a pre-schooler my MIL got a face on & got very upset because we refused to sit in the heaving zoo cafe "and have a nice family meal together". I think DH and I stared at her incredulously whilst thinking 'are you fucking joking?' She eventually learned that you do things around ds1 or live to regret it. I suspect your in laws will get there (I am presuming your son is still small)

You were totally and incredibly rude op.

Don't get your point jimjams. OP inviting both set of grandparents to lunch after the event. wouldn't have made the event any more intimidating.

Did you see the bit where this was arranged so her autistic son could cope with the visitors? :rolls eyes:

Obviously op you should have had everyone round, let him have a meltdown then put up with all the armchair experts going on about how they wouldn't put up with such behaviour. At least no-one would have thought they were B list (heaven's above they might understand that their grandson/nephew cannot cope with busy environments)

Can't say I blame them, I would have been a bit hurt and offended to to be honest.

Yea JimJans. Think we've all seen OPs DS is autistic - then both sets of GPs should have been invited together and other family later.

If geabdparents egos are really that fragile they're really not going to cope with autism in the long run.

She did invite them - in family blocks. They sound local - if they couldn't make it they should have said previously. If she's invited geabdparebt's then aunts/uncles someone would have whinged.

I suspect, as I said earlier, that they didn't do it through feeling 'snubbed' or 'B list', but merely because the hours between church and party took over and they got distracted doing other Saturday-type jobs, lost the party vibe and couldn't be arsed to get smartened up and back in the mood when it was their turn. Understandable.

It saddens me tbh reading this thread how little people are prepared to do to accommodate autism. Is it really a huge ask to come a little later to allow a small boy to enjoy his sister's special occasion (& for her to have him there)?

I think they were rude not to turn up when they had agreed to come. If they were not going to come, because they felt snubbed or whatever, they should have declined the invitation or spoken to DH/you about it.

It does sound like, for SIL/BIL at least, there was some confusion over arrangements (assuming they are not just using this as an excuse)- BIL seems to think he wasn't invited and SIL thinks you didn't bother to get back to her with a time to come round so assumed she wasn't invited after all. Are you sure there was no possibility of crossed wires here? It could explain a lot.

Whilst I understand that you had to stagger the number of people due to your younger DS, I too think it may have been nicer to invite both grandparents to yours for the initial thing and then aunts/uncles/cousins to the later so that DH's parents didn't feel they were second best to your parents. I'm sure that wasn't your intention, but I can see how they might have got that impression.

In conclusion- they unreasonable, but you could have handled things better.

If the issue for your son was having a lot of people in the house, would it not have been better to go out for a meal somewhere?

They were rude but I think you offended them. How far away does everyone live? Were they having to go home and back again?

couldn't be arsed to get smartened up and back in the mood when it was their turn. Understandable.

I think it's sad and hardly understandable.

Meal somewhere? With a young autistic child? Er unless he's incredibly passive or high functioning I doubt it. (And presumably had that been a possibility for the OP she would have chosen to do that).

saintly fair enough, I have zero experience of autism so thanks for educating me a bit!

Boyscout - it's fair enough - you have zero experience so don't understand the needs, but this is OP's family and they should. It did take some family members a long time to really drop their egos & get to grips with how things had to be in our case - so it may be that OP's son is young & family still aren't getting it.

But from my reading - she's tried to plan a day that her son can be included in, that's a special day for her daughter. If there were objections it would have been nice to raise them before so they could be dealt with - and not just snub get daughter's special day.

I don't think the OP was rude at all, I think she was a mum doing her very best to balance a special occasion that she really wanted to be able to have and let family join in against the needs of her child with autism. All those of you who feel she was rude just be grateful that you can obviously just go ahead with events like this without needing to try and make special arrangements to try and make things run as smoothly as possible.
The OP knows her child the best and what works best for their needs. I am shocked that the child's grandparents and uncles and aunts should be so unsupportive and inflexible regarding the child's needs.

I think an important factor in this scenario then is how understanding the ILs are of the autism and what it means. Maybe they thought the OP was being precious or fussy? (I'm betting my left tit that parents of SN children get that a lot?)

Though if they're part of the family they're presumably well aware of the OP's sons issues and would know she had good reasons.

It's odd.

Saintly we are just saying that both sets of grandparents are equally important in a child's life and while the OP understandably wanted to stagger the crowd, the grandparents should all have been included in the first group with aunts, uncles etc coming along later.

There is no need for rude and silly rolley eyes, as everyone 'gets' what the OPs dilemma is, but simply differ on the solutions to that dilemma.

A family member was furious with me when ds1 was 4 to hear that I hadn't put him down for the local private school (not that we could afford it). She complained to dh that I was 'too negative'. He's mid teens now, has one word 'mummy' - and is on p scales at school - level 1 for maths maybe.

Sorry for hijack op - but yes family can make things much harder if they choose not to tune into reality FM. Which may be the case here - if they're getting the hump about a reasonable request. We did get there eventually with our family but it was a long haul.

And then they would have moaned that the rest of their family weren't there. BTDTGTTS If they really objected to that it should have been raised before. I think the OP has planned a nice day where everyone could attend & catch up with their side of the family. If they really can't make the effort to understand that it wasn't done to snub anyone - then sod them. I suspect the OP has enough to deal with.

Jimjam, in your rush to be 'understanding' you seem to be totally ignoring or misunderstanding other posters' comments. That's really not helpful;

But many pps comments have been ignoring and misunderstanding the OP's post.

There is no need for rude and silly rolley eyes, as everyone 'gets' what the OPs dilemma is

Not everyone seems to have got the dilemma, as they are calling the OP rude (!). FFS.

How? Others have said the in laws have had their nose put out of joint because they weren't 'treated equally'. There was nothing unequal about it - they were just asked to accommodate an autistic child. If they've got the hump because of that then they're not going to be much use to be frank. If the time of day was a problem they should have declined the invitation.

I am interested OP in whether they're generally crap at accommodating autism - or whether this was a one off?

Posters are understanding the dilemma but feeling it was rude to separate the grandparents into two separate groups, given that next to the parents they're the most significant family members.

The view of many is that both sets of grandparents should have been invited for lunch, and aunts, uncles and cousins staggered later on in the day.

That is not misunderstanding the dilemma. It is understanding the situation and also the sensitivities of the grand parents, and realising that there is a solution that would have been sensitive to everyone.