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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

256 replies

CatherineU · 13/06/2015 18:02

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

OP posts:
pictish · 13/06/2015 19:53

I wonder if they fully understood why you were staggering guests?
Maybe they felt like an afterthought and responded in kind?

saoirse31 · 13/06/2015 19:57

To be fair the arrangements sound very inconvenient for your inlaws- they go to the mass then have to disappear for a few hours before they're invited back... While your side of family get to go straight back to house. just seems that they were always going to feel put out and it's easy to understand why. It was rude not to let u know tho. but maybe they didn't really believe you'd treat them like that...

WeAllHaveWings · 13/06/2015 19:58

I think you and your dh were being incredibly rude, especially to your dh's parents expecting them to go to the church then hang about for a couple of hours then come back. At the very least your dh's parents should have been at the lunch with your parents.

I don't think I would have come back for the B list buffet. Once the service is over and we had parted, that would be the event over for me, but I would have told your dh I wasn't coming and would have also told him how rude he was being to our parents.

maybe something was said or interpreted in a negative way before/after the service which made them feel second class/hurt enough to cause the last minute no show.

Lweji · 13/06/2015 20:00

Regardless, even if they felt they were 2nd tier they should have said immediately that they wouldn't show up. It's not on to arrange other things and not warn the OP, actually, their own son/brother.

AuntyMag10 · 13/06/2015 20:01

Even if the op explained that she needs the different groups at different times, not sure why the IL were the second group

Sparklingbrook · 13/06/2015 20:06

I agree it's all a bit A List/B List and it looks like OP's nearest and dearest were put first.

I would have at least had the grandparents together in the A List group.

DamnBamboo · 13/06/2015 20:08

OP, what were you expecting them to do whilst they were waiting their turn!
Have you any idea how rude you've been?

Only1scoop · 13/06/2015 20:08

Has Op been bk?

Maybe it's a good sign of not as they have all turned up after all.

Weebirdie · 13/06/2015 20:12

Or maybe she's afraid to come back, and not just because she's realised she made a mistake with the in laws.

Some of the replies are quite harsh.

MummaV · 13/06/2015 20:12

OP, YANBU. They were very rude not to show up.

Putting myself on the line here I don't agree with other posters that you were rude and make them feel second class. If they had a problem with coming second they should have spoken up. Given the situation with your DS one lot had to come second be that grandparents, aunts and uncles or ILs.

My family dos often go this way due to my sister having extreme anxiety in social situations. Usually those who have the furthest to travel go to the house first so they don't have to hang around somewhere they don't really know and have more time to travel home. Other family members live within 10/15mins so will usually go home for a few hours before returning. Otherwise it's usually our parents who take presidence over her ILs as our parents live 100miles away and the in-laws live less than a mile.

I think families like this need to take the issue into account. Your ILs may have been offended but if they cannot see the reasoning for it and would rather put your DS under unnecessary stress or just not show up after confirming their attendance at the given time they weren't worth having over anyway.

Rosieliveson · 13/06/2015 20:14

It may have seemed like second best to get an later invite but, assuming the days schedule was shared in advance, it was very rude to accept the invite but not to turn up. If the day's events were only shared after the church I can see why they may have been more upset but I still don't think it excuses simply not turning up though.
Besides, if all guests were local then there should have been no issue with going home after as then coming out again later.

thenightsky · 13/06/2015 20:17

What were they supposed to do between church and party?

I can see how they'd drift off to get other jobs done on a Saturday, then lose the party mood and think 'nah, fuck it' when they had to get smartened up and in party mood for their 'turn' hours later.

WhoNickedMyName · 13/06/2015 20:19

You put your in-laws on the B list, and they decided to do the same to you.

You were incredibly rude and it's not very clear from your OP that your in-laws actually knew from the start that they were in the second group of guests.

I'd imagine it would be extremely hurtful for your MIL and FIL to realise, on leaving church, that the A list were all heading off home with you, whilst they were expected to go and kill a few hours and then come over when you were ready to receive them.

I think you need to look to your DH and his lack of communication with his family, and also have a little think about whether you can see this from your in-laws point of view.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 13/06/2015 20:26

How hurtful

But another vote for the idea that might feel like second best - hence their no show

Talk to them and as a rule whilst tiered event good on paper - they have clearly misconstrued

lipsynch · 13/06/2015 20:39

You were rude.

HairyMcMary · 13/06/2015 20:39

I am assuming that all the relatives understand the Op's situation with social arrangements because they are family!

OP, what does your DH make of it? Do they do this sort of thing often ? How were things after the church, were you all saying ' see you later ' etc?
Is Holy Communion something DH's family would normally celebrate ? Did they know you were doing a buffet etc?
It just sounds so odd that there was talk of what they like to drink etc and then they blow you out.

I am half wondering if they didn't all turn up bearing champagne and a huge cake shouting 'surprise!' after you posted!

Myricales · 13/06/2015 20:40

You had told your in-laws they were in on B list, and therefore would be getting the B list treatment, right?

Because if I were invited to a family event consisting of some official thing followed by a few hours' hanging around and then a buffet and found, after the official thing, that there was a previously unmentioned A list, I would bugger off home as well. I wouldn't bother constructing crap excuses as your in-laws did, I'd just go home. If I'd known in advance that I was the B list, I would either have not come, or would have come for the official thing and then gone home.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 20:46

Oh FFS this is FAMILY - they should understand why socisl niceties take a backseat to autism at times. Or perhaps thet's like to watch their grandson/nephew stick his head through the window when he couldn't cope?

How old is he OP? I found people were sometimes arses in the early years. They finally got their heads around the fact you can't have an ego around an autistic child or buggered off. How supportive are they generally?

Lweji · 13/06/2015 20:47

I know it wouldn't be something that anyone in my family would do, not showing up without warning, regardless of the arrangements.
To me it just seems spiteful, unless they really didn't know they were supposed to be there for the afternoon and when.

lydiarobinson · 13/06/2015 20:48

They were very rude and very hurtful to your dd.

I do think though, that both sets of grandparents should have been invited to the ceremony, and siblings and nieces and nephews staggered after that. So I can understand them being annoyed. But they dealt with it in a very immature and nasty way.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 20:49

B list? FFS - this is MINOR rearrangement in the scheme of autism. And FAMILY should get it. If they can't cope with being invited slightly later they're really not going to cope when the old autism really messes up the plans.

HairyMcMary · 13/06/2015 20:50

I don't see that the chance to relax and hang out with a lovely buffet and lots of drinks is B list treatment at all. The so called A listers were being shooed out straight after lunch, after all! And it sounds as if they are all local.

lydiarobinson · 13/06/2015 20:51

Sorry, didn't realise everyone had been invited to the Mass.

I still think, though, that grandparents should all have been invited to the lunch and aunts, uncles etc invited to come along later.

But that doesn't excuse their childish behaviour.

redskybynight · 13/06/2015 20:52

Agree with other's it would definitely come over as a snub to invite your parents after the ceremony, but you in-laws later. As to why they didn't point this out earlier - did they know your parents were coming straight back to yours when they said they'd come, or is this something they didn't find out until the ceremony? If the latter, then sorry, you should have explained your reasons in advance.

Lweji · 13/06/2015 20:55

I would presume that each set of parents would rather be around their own offspring, rather than the other set of parents.

This was the choice made by the OP and her husband. A different choice would always be criticised, so the relatives should have accommodated them rather than throw what seems like a strop. If they didn't like it, then they should have said so.