To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

[CatherineU]

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

Presumably the OP is getting on with real life, possibly even entertaining and tidying up, if her DH's brother did turn up, or anyone else.

Or her DH has given his own family a right bollocking and they changed plans.

I bet she is kicking herself for sending her own family away for DH's family not to turn up.

Going to get flamed, but going to say it anyway:

The main point about this event is supposed to be a religious activity.

Where is god in ALL of this thread? Oh, nowhere. Nowhere at all.

Well, religion is bollocks and pointless then, isn't it.

There is nothing spiritual in any single point of this thread, other than you had some event in a church.

Waste of time!

I can see why they were a bit put out if they weren't invited to the actual communion. And inviting your family first and then them. I can see why they didn't come. But still they should have said they wouldn't be coming.

but why did the inlaws need to come later? why not them first and the OP later?

Autism is a red herring its the apprent snub that the inlaws are inferior to the OP family.

I bet this isnt the first time the in laws have been asked to play second place in comparasion to the OP family and hence why the inlaws collectively decided to make a stand for it.

And according to the OP both the brother in law and sister inlaw got mis information saying they did not think they were invited so it could aslo be down to the DH not explaining correctly rather than the inlaws being petty.

Look at it from the OP DH family point of view they are expected to hang around for sevreal hours waiting to be allowed to come visist in contrast to the OP family gets to go to the party first and seemingly leaving the left over / dregs for the in laws and add to that possible comments made my the OP family which could caused futher hurt so instead of souring the day for the OP decided to call it a day as seemingly they are second best etc

If they agreed to come, they should have. if they had issue with the arrangements, they should have said at the time.

To not turn up is passive aggressive and bloody rude and they have upset the most important person of the day - your DD.

YANBU. At all.

I'm afraid I'm with PPs on this... Your family before his?? If I was a member of your partner's family I'd have been too miffed to turn up.. Rude or not!

Maybe ILs didn't realize they were on the b-list until that day.

"So why didn't they decline the invitation when presented with it? Why disappoint their granddaughter - that's the shabby treatment."

Who knows, Saint"?

Perhaps it was only when they attended the church they actually started to feel like (to quote others) B-listers.

Or Perhaps, as has been suggested, there was genuine confusion. For example, the OP itself suggests that SIL appeared to be waiting for someone to get back to her about what time to come and BIL thought he wasn't invited.

Either way, given the Op's DS doesn't cope well with lots of people at once, I do agree with others that the fair thing to do would have been to have all four GPs for lunch straight after church, then either nothing else (if DS wasn't up to it), or perhaps a small gathering of uncles/aunts/whatever in the afternoon (if DS was up to it).

So yes, I think the DH's parents quite likely felt shabbily treated.

They may have been the B list, but truthfully, it sounds like they were getting the more elaborate party.

Dh needs to have it out with them. Surely such managing has happened/will happen as your childs needs arent new, nor going to go away. Sometimes, they get the quick lunch and go, other times they get the buffet and chance to linger, and they need to adjust their expectations to account for this.

Perhaps ILs are not Catholic so just thought they were invited for afternoon tea - it is rude but maybe they didn't get the sense of occasion.

I think the devil is in the details. What did the ILs know and when did they know it.

They seemed fine with the arrangements because they were none the wiser that there was a lunch happening immediately after the communion. Maybe they assume its a rolling buffet with everyone slotted in, not two events and two different varying times for each individual family side.

Everyone goes to the church and ILs are asked about the lunch celebration. Light bulb moment occurs and now just realize they were relegated or maybe the buffet thing isn't happening anymore and just the lunch, which they weren't invited to.

I'd have. Been pretty passed off too,and I'm easy going so would imagine they where hacked off.

It wouldn't have worried me being asked later particularly if it had been explained why.

However I'm not very sociable and having gone to the morning service, going back home, then having to work myself up to going back again would have felt a huge effort.
I probably would have gone, but only for a short time.

Autism is not a red herrimg here (unless you know bugger all aboit autism). This was OP's choices as I see them

(1) do nothing
(2) send her autistic son out for the day (if she has anyone who would have him. If my parents are attending a family wedding etc generally only 1 of us goes as they're only people capable of having my son). That's not at all uncommon in autism land
(3) arrange the day in a way her son could cope with - which she's done. Now my son quite likes large groups of people so we would have had everyone around for a buffet & woe betide anyone who complained about him acting autistic. But op's son can't do big groups so she's staggered people. Some have presumably (if this thread is anything to go by) managed to make the arrangements about them - and got the hump. Fine. But I would expect anyone with any understanding of autism at all to realise (because it's bleeding obvious) that she has just tried to come up with a solution to the size of the crowd issue that would make the day workable for her son. She hasn't set out to snub anybody - she just Tryimg to accommodate her son's disability. And family should be capable of seeing that.

Incidentally in this scenario although my son would be fine at a busy buffet in his own home, there's no way on god's Earth he'd manage a church service. So I would have had to ask at least one of my parents, possibly both, to miss the church service to look after him. Talk about snub! At home doing childcare while everyone else is off together at church. Luckily I have parents who understand the issues, would do so happily so grandaughter could have both parents at the church - i.e they would have understood it was a practical solution to our autism-church problem - and my mother would probably have loaded my dishwasher as well.

Looks like op has disappeared and not come back to the party, too.

Rude.

Maybe having prepared two lots of food and having an upset dd to deal with, on top of a child with autism, being told it was all her fault and she is rude to her family etc by poster after poster, some of whom have made outrageous assumptions is just too much for her.

Viva la AIBU: moral support for that hard job we call parenting.

It's acceptable and appropriate to stagger the guests particularly when there's a child with ASD. If they didn't turn up because they were being pedantic and felt second best, I'd question if your IL's really understood and appreciated your DC's needs?

They didn't voice any upset before, accepted the invite and then stood you up after all your preparations and expenses. I would be temped to go NC. So very rude.

YANBU! I can't believe some of the replies on here. You organised a day to suit your autistic child as best you could.
It seems the ils were making a point by not turning up in purpose but in doing so they have just made themselves look petty and spiteful and have given no thought to either of the children involved.
I don't think its a case of A and B listers. The op has explained why she had to have people separately and the later 'do' sounds fine. If ppl weren't happy they should have said and not just decided to boycott it.

To the poster who said First Communion is a waste of time well done on trying to be offensive. You've succeeded.

Well never know what the unlaced wee really thinking.

I'm wondering when they gave the DD gifts. They either gave them straight after mass so had no intention of going to the house or they still haven't given gift. Or they may not be Catholic and just not get the etiquette of First Communions.

I'm also curious as to weather formal invitations were sent out.

The OP does need to sort this out before her DS makes his FHC though.

I'm also curious about birthdays....how are they handled?

I have a son of 24 who is very severely autistic, has Tourette's and additional mental health issues. So for something as important as a Holy Communion breakfast I would have had grandparents to the house in the first batch for the simple reason there is a pecking order when it comes to family and grandparents are given the respect first and foremost.

But that said my son can cope with and enjoy in his own way a house full of people. We had such a get together yesterday as well, we have them a few times a month, but even so it took the whole house being ever mindful of DS, as well as two carers and his siblings monitoring the least bit of change in his body language just in case it was getting too much for him.

As it happens it did get too much for him because someone let the dogs in accidentally, they then made a bee line for my sons office because they're his pals, and he got all stressed about his train set on the floor even though we got them out pretty sharpish. So that was when we closed off his part of the house so he could relax, and it was when my grandchildren (and the older visitors) moved to a safe haven in the house, a room off the family hall they know to go to in case uncle gets upset and starts to jump up and down. Uncle is 6'4'' tall and weighs 120kilos. And thats how easy it is for things to go wrong for a while. As it happens DS was Ok and by bedtime at 8pm he was his happy self again with the dogs sitting on his bed for 10 minutes as usual.

I totally get why the OP was staggering the day although the way it was done was unfortunate, and I still say that when you are dealing with this kind of situation there are times when you cant do right for doing wrong even with the best will in the world.

I don't think the ILs realised what was happening until the day. They may have been told that due to the autism the day was going to be staggered but they thought that meant a few hours break between celebration and buffet. After all ds must have coped with everyone in the church so a few hours down time sounds fine then everyone over for the food.
I bet during the service someone from op's family let it slip there was a lunch going on and may have even joked that they would try and leave some food for the ILs ha ha! At that point understandably ILs felt miffed but didn't want to spoil the celebration so didn't say anything. There's no way they would know that food had been got specially for them because it looked to them like they would just get the leftovers!