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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

256 replies

CatherineU · 13/06/2015 18:02

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

OP posts:
soverylucky · 13/06/2015 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weebirdie · 13/06/2015 19:05

Were you drunk or pissed off?

There there dear, you've been noticed.

Oldraver · 13/06/2015 19:07

You were rude, they were rude.

SewingBox · 13/06/2015 19:07

I would imagine DH's family were very offended at the way the arrangements were made. They should have said they weren't coming in advance, but there's no way arranging for your family to come immediately after the service and not them, wouldn't have seemed like a snub.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/06/2015 19:11

For the love of goodness, the OP and her husband explained why they couldn't have the entire family there in one go! How stupid and insensitive do the ILs have to be not to get this? Shock

Dreadfully rude, OP. They should have said straight off 'Sorry, that won't work for us. We'll come to the service but let's not bother with anything else later.'

worridmum · 13/06/2015 19:12

I am sorry but I agree with the posters that siad while your In laws were rude, You were far more rude treating your DH family has second best, you should of stanggered it on the lines of grand parents etc because it does very much sound like a wedding were your only invited to the cermoney and then evening do ...

They came to the most important bit of the communion itself, so in the whole I think you should actully go and aplogize to your DH family because from the outside it appears to be treated as second best or even inferior relitives.

but freeze / chill what you can as it should still be useable for pack lunches / picnic style lunches etc and I hope that the misunderstanding and your and your DH mishandling of the sistuation hasnt ruined the day

Clammytoes · 13/06/2015 19:14

I think I too would have gone with GP for lunch etc but that's irrelevant now

Having accepted the invitation , they should have turned up . What a shitty thing to do on such a lovely occasion

TidyDancer · 13/06/2015 19:19

They were rude, but you have made them feel like they are second best so I not entirely surprised they didn't show up.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/06/2015 19:20

I think the question of whether OP and her husband were unintentionally offensive in the way they framed their arrangements is now irrelevant. The ILs had their opportunity to say 'Whoa! You mean your family goes first and we get what's left? Why can't we all come at the same time and just work out a way of managing things for the little one so it doesn't get too much?'

They didn't take it. They said they would come. Then they didn't and made utterly inadequate excuses. That is abominably rude and looks like a calculated snub to me.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/06/2015 19:22

And as for the idea of going to them and apologising! A frank discussion might be a good idea if it won't get out of hand, but there is no question who's in the wrong if the arrangements were as clear as the OP says.

NinkyNonkers · 13/06/2015 19:23

Agreed. They could have spoken out a d sorted it in advance if it was an issue. This is just petty and rude.

TidyDancer · 13/06/2015 19:23

Gasp - I'm not sure whether I agree with you, but even so that does depend on whether this is a one off or part of a pattern. OP may have made a one time boo boo, or might have a habit of treating her ils like this. If it's the latter, the ILs may be making a stand.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/06/2015 19:27

Well, yes, as ever we don't have the whole story. But no matter how badly somebody else has behaved, to keep the moral high ground, you have to grit your teeth and behave courteously yourself. In this case, the ILs have upset the children, not just the OP and her husband. That's not on.

Weebirdie · 13/06/2015 19:27

Why can't we all come at the same time and just work out a way of managing things for the little one so it doesn't get too much?'

I think they OP would have done that if it was possible with her son, and if the IL's know him well they wouldn't have had to ask.

It obviously just wasn't possible.

The OP hurt her IL's and her IL's behaved badly in return.

If I were the OP I would be apologising and I think they IL's would then also apologise.

Quiero · 13/06/2015 19:28

Sounds deliberate and planned to me. I think you've pissed them off by not letting them come back after the ceremony.

CamelHump · 13/06/2015 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SewingBox · 13/06/2015 19:31

FWIW, DS1 didn't deal well with a house full of people at that age.

My Dad was very good at spotting when it was all getting too much for DS and would find a reason they needed to go for a walk. I think possibly because dad liked an excuse to get out too, but it worked well for everyone.

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2015 19:32

This is totally irrelevant but...

When I made my first holy communion, the norm was for the child's parents and siblings to attend the service, then everyone went to the church hall for a couple of curly sandwiches and a cup of squash Grin

Glitoris · 13/06/2015 19:36

Did you tell in-laws the reason for the arrangements beforehand?I know you would feel it would be obvious,but unless they are very clued in to your sons' needs that might not have copped that's why the visitors were staggered.

I personally think you should have prioritised both sets of grandparents/godparents...and let the aunties etc take the second turn.

AgentProvocateur · 13/06/2015 19:37

You were both rude. If you had to have an A List and a B List, you should have had both sets of parents together then siblings after that. Hugely offensive to have your family first and your in-laws later. Are they local, or did you expect them to hang around until their time slot?

Lweji · 13/06/2015 19:43

If you explained the reasons and gave them a definitive time, then they were unreasonable not to turn up and to have made other plans.

If you didn't explain the reasons and only told them to show up some time, then you are unreasonable.

Has anything similar happened before? Does your family always come first in the order?
It actually sounds to me like your DH's family got better plans (with friends) and are finding excuses now.

AlpacaMyBags · 13/06/2015 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ahbollocks · 13/06/2015 19:47

Yanbu. Me and dh are both from 'blended' families and split ds birthday into 2 halves to avoid the inevitable rows etc and the 'second half' guests didnt show with the exception of my sister. Never again!

BeaufortBelle · 13/06/2015 19:48

You were rude but they should have declined your invitation to the buffet rather than the lunch just as I have declined evening invitations to weddings

worridmum · 13/06/2015 19:50

Lweji i dont think it does as they went to the "boring" bit / important bit

but it sounds like they felt unfairly snubbed and just retured the snub as they felt second best

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