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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

256 replies

CatherineU · 13/06/2015 18:02

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

OP posts:

chaletdays · 13/06/2015 22:22

By the way, I think the ILs should have sucked it up and accommodated the OP's rather insensitive behaviour, out of consideration for their granddaughter.

Lweji · 13/06/2015 22:23

I can see how grandparents might not actually appreciate each other's company and would prefer to be around their own offspring, instead of the other set of parents.

OP, if you had gone this option, you'd still get people criticising you.

It was a choice, it can be argued that an alternative might be better, but certainly not rude of the OP.

Babymamamama · 13/06/2015 22:23

What were the in laws expected to do in the interim? I can't see my inlaws accepting this option either I'm afraid. Not sure what the answer would have been. Brunch with some before the church and tea with the rest afterwards? But not expecting anyone to hang around for hours until they are allowed to visit.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 22:24

So why didn't the grandparents raise it before? Rather than just let their granddaughter down with no warning.

And if the grandparents have any understanding of autism at all why are they getting so ridiculous over something so minor? They should understand the difficult balancing act it is to give the Dd a special day. They shouldn't need egos massaging & a million explanations - it's their job to get it.

Strangers who have no need to understand autism? Fair enough. But this is family. They need to tune in.

SilverBirch2015 · 13/06/2015 22:25

I'd put money on my guess that something was said at the communion by someone from OP's family to the IL's family, that caused them to feel offended. It may have been an accidental comment and have little to do with the DS's SN but still caused the IL's to see the invite to the later buffet as being on the B list.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 22:28

I agree with lweji - they'd have moaned anyway - which is partly why I am interested in whether they are generally understanding of autism or not.

I think this is one you couldn't win OP. I hope your dd isn't too upset.

chaletdays · 13/06/2015 22:30

I think it was a well meaning but badly thought out arrangement. The ILs should have sucked it up for the sake of their granddaughter, but I can understand them being annoyed.

LovesYoungDream · 13/06/2015 22:34

YANBU. This was your dd's special day. If your ils were offended by the arrangements, they should have spoken up. They were being petty and don't seem to care about upsetting your dc as long as they made their point. I presume your ils live nearer than your parents (?) which is why you asked them to come later in the evening. I would have done similar in your circumstances and wouldn't have considered it to be rude or a snub once you had explained, it was because it was in the best interests of your dc to have staggered visits

CMon · 13/06/2015 22:35

Do you know if your DH explained the situation properly to his relatives.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 22:36

I honestly can't. I've been around autism for do long that I cannot understand the mindset where this would even matter.

Personally I'd prefer the buffet anyway. Home for a cup of tea & to get into something more comfortable. Back for buffet & to see my children, grandchildren & their families & no need to cook dinner (doesn't help they'd arranged to go out for a meal despite knowing about the buffet weeks ago )

Howmanywotwots · 13/06/2015 22:39

Well when I read the OP I thought the plans all sounded fair enough, as long as the ILs knew the plans in advance which they did, it's no hardship to go to church then elsewhere before your party

I have no experience of autism but I do think that your ILs have acted very immaturely and spitefully

Op has been slated a bit here and I don't think she's done anything wrong at all. It was nice to invite the ILs back for food and drinks and they should have turned up with bells on because it's their grandchildren

BiscuitMillionaire · 13/06/2015 22:39

TBH I've never heard of having a big family celebration for a first communion, we certainly didn't in my day. Maybe they thought it wasn't such a big deal.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 22:41

Bit rude to not turn up when you know someone has prepared a buffet for you? Whether or not you think first communions are a big deal.

chaletdays · 13/06/2015 22:47

I'm not excusing the IL's rudeness but why was it 'nice' for them to be invited back for food after the OP's family. That wasn't nice, it was insensitive. Grandparents should have been invited back first, but OP just chose to invite all of her family and then invite her ILs to come along later.
That was insensitive and her DH should have stepped in and pointed this out.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 22:58

But they know their grandchild is autistic!! The food arrangements were nothing to do with them or relative importance. The arrangements weren't about the geabdparent's - they were about the grandson & his autism.

That's what I mean when I say you can't have an ego around an autistic child - it's never about you - it's about them.

I would assume people would want to mix with their own side of the family tbh. I might have asked both sides whether they'd prefer the lunch stint or buffet stint I guess, but it wouldn't occur to me that one was seen as more important than the other.

Howmanywotwots · 13/06/2015 22:58

Well I think invitations are nice, and they should be accepted graciously instead of complaining that whatever is on offer isn't good enough

Fairenuff · 13/06/2015 22:59

OP are you going to engage with posters on your thread at all?

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 13/06/2015 23:04

Saintly - your experience of autism is not EVERYBODYS experience of autism.

As you are aware autism is a spectrum- and yes there are children and adults with autism out there that can not only handle social situations but work within them.

You are projecting your own experiences onto this situation - having a child with ASD does not justify the OPs behaviour and it does not mean that the ILs are ignorant of ASD issues.

More than likely there are some other family dynamics going on here which we are not aware of.

Young relative with ASD or not , if I attended a gathering and needed to return a few hours later because I was not invited immediately afterwards, I would find that extremely hard to do because of my own health issues.

People are only human - we can't put others first ALL of the time - because life does get in the way... Tiredness, stress, ill health . It's very harsh to judge the ILs - I'm sure they have a story of their own.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 23:11

Blessed - the OP has arranged the day to suit her son. I think we can assume she has taken into account his 'type' of autism. If your own health issues meant you couldn't handle a break of a few hours presumably you'd explain that & ask to do the earlier lunch or decline the invitation (both perfectly acceptable responses, in the way that just not turning up isn't).

My own extended family are actually pretty good now, but that's because they've got rid of their egos & stopped getting the hump of something is done differently (even if that means they can't make it).

Lydiarobinson · 13/06/2015 23:11

Jimjam why would the autistic child have been put out by both sets of grandparents coming for lunch and aunts and uncles coming later? He didn't want large groups in one go, but that didn't excuse leaving one set of grandparents hanging around and being expected to come back later after the OP's family had finished. It should have been GPs first and other relatives later.
It's possible to be sensitive to the autistic ds and to the grandparents, you know.

Lweji · 13/06/2015 23:12

You are projecting your own experiences onto this situation - having a child with ASD does not justify the OPs behaviour and it does not mean that the ILs are ignorant of ASD issues.

The OP said that this works best for her son. Therefore, it justifies her behaviour. In relation to her own experiences and circumstances.

if I attended a gathering and needed to return a few hours later because I was not invited immediately afterwards, I would find that extremely hard to do because of my own health issues.
You are projecting your own experiences onto this situation. Your personal circumstances don't mean that the ILs have them. They are going out with friends, after all, so I highly doubt your circumstances apply to them.

People are only human - we can't put others first ALL of the time - because life does get in the way... Tiredness, stress, ill health
Which is why the ILs should have attended, or have told the OP they were not going, in advance

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 23:13

And what is the op's 'behaviour' that needs to be justified? Not forcing her son into a situation he couldn't cope with? She explained what she was doing & issued invitations - they could have been declined if people weren't happy with the supposed importance of theirs.

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/06/2015 23:15

Five pages and five hours ... has Op not come back?

Am I the only one who wanted to ask her how on earth she, her DH and her DC were going to partake of two celebratory meals, the lunch with Op's family and then the full and extensive (sounding) buffet, just three hours (or maybe less?) later?

Actually, I agree with posters such as bakingaddict who said
"you messed up big time when you left your DP's family looking like the inferior relatives. You should have had both both sets of GP's over in the first wave and then aunts and uncles later in the day"

I think your husband's parents felt shabbily treated, CatherineU, and his family responded accordingly.

5Foot5 · 13/06/2015 23:17

Well I second all the A-list/B-list comments. But I also wondered are both families Catholic? If your DHs family are not then maybe they just don't see it as quite such a big deal, perhaps?

DH and his family are Catholic but I am not. We had DD baptised and all family came to that. At her first communion PILs came as did my Mum and one of my sisters and we had a nice little party but I think my side were slightly bemused by it. When she had her confirmation only the PILs came, I think my side couldn't quite get why you have a first communion and a confirmation.

saintlyjimjams · 13/06/2015 23:17

So why didn't they decline the invitation when presented with it? Why disappoint their granddaughter - that's the shabby treatment.

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