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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

256 replies

CatherineU · 13/06/2015 18:02

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 14/06/2015 12:28

Catherine I think your mother in law was miffed and that's why she said - Catherine's family were there.

It's about reading between the lines and not taking people literally.

And no one is suggesting you put others before you and your husband and children. Just perhaps keep it an even playing field when you've said you're close to your In laws and they understand your son apart from grandad finding it a bit much after half an hour (and that's ok).

notaplasticgnome · 14/06/2015 12:32

No one has said that the OP shouldn't have staggered the events. Many, however, feel it would have been more considerate to have staggered it by having the grandparents for lunch with a few others, and the other aunts and uncles etc later on.

The way it was done, including the complete segregation of both families, would look a bit odd to me. I wouldn't refuse to go, but I would think it a bit bad mannered.

HairyMcMary · 14/06/2015 12:32

I think that might be the misunderstanding: they saw it as a casual event.

Try not to be too downhearted OP, I am more than amazed that you even attempted all that hospitality with all that going on.

Makes it all the more galling that they reacted as they did though . Shame, since they are retired etc, that your ILs didn't actually offer to help with the event.

In our family at least one sibling would say 'what can I bring / make ' and my Mum would be making cakes.

saintlyjimjams · 14/06/2015 12:53

If any of you end up the grandparents in this sort of situation - please realise that any unusual arrangements are not designed to cause you upset - they're to try & make it through the day in one piece. And you'll be far more use to the family if you recognise that & help out rather than attention seeking about unimportant stuff.

Although tbh on this case I think they just couldn't be arsed - so that's at all those who couldn't cope with being invited 'second'.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2015 12:54

"wasn't planning on serving up til about 5pm"

Well, as I said, I was really just giving an example of why there may have been confusion to the day.
It still all sounds rather confusing to me (did you not earlier say that you told them 3pm because you knew your family would have left and you would have the buffet almost ready?), but presumably you would know whether or not you had given clear invitations.

It still does sound to me that your PIL have behaved as they have out of 'hurt', which is a shame if they have hitherto been reasonably involved grandparents.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/06/2015 13:30

I can see both sides of this situation. I do fully get that you had your reasons for splitting the times and you though it was a good solution, and on paper it wAs a well thought out idea, and your children are understandably you first priority and no one would flame you for that.
However I can see you dh's side of the families point. They were at the church all dressed up no doubt so they were expected to go home with their children in all their finery, children were expected to keep clean until they were allowed to your house, and they do probably feel like second best being invited second, yes I know someone has got to be last but you don't view it like that when it's you, and yes you are going to want your family there first but again your dh's side will not see it like that.
Too late now but it might have been better if you'd have just gone for a meal with you children and dh. That way no one would have been offended and felt second best.
The main thing is though. Did your dd have a good day.

Tanith · 14/06/2015 13:34

I don't think they were offended, either.

You say your FIL doesn't have much patience with your DS. I reckon they remembered what happened at Christmas and just decided they weren't going to risk a repeat performance.

Very rude not to tell you in advance.

meyesmyeyes · 14/06/2015 13:44

Maternal Grandparents nearly always get put first,before Paternal Grandparents.

Why weren't the Paternal Grandparents invited first and then the Maternal Grandparents could have been regulated to the evening bit?
Probably because it was the DIL doing all the arrangements.
Understandable in a way.

meyesmyeyes · 14/06/2015 13:49

Many, however, feel it would have been more considerate to have staggered it by having the grandparents for lunch with a few others, and the other aunts and uncles etc later on.
The way it was done, including the complete segregation of both families, would look a bit odd to me. I wouldn't refuse to go, but I would think it a bit bad mannered.

Ah well, OP, see all this as a learning curve.
I think you meant well, even though the whole thing backfired.

YouTheCat · 14/06/2015 13:53

The OP has already explained why. It was because her family were happy enough to just have a light lunch and a short time with the gc and she thought the ils would prefer to spend more time and it would give her more time to prepare the substantial buffet.

No matter what it is bloody bad manners to accept an invite for food and then just not turn up.

meyesmyeyes · 14/06/2015 14:07

Yes, I agree it was petty and bad manners not to turn up at all.
They should have risen above any hurt feelings they may have felt and attended for their grandchild's sake.

MayPolist · 14/06/2015 15:01

The truth I think is that a first communion is not a terribly thrilling or momentous thing for extended family to be part of.They have done their duty by turning up at the church, caught up with family there, if there was food straight after to drift on to-OK.But to expect people to come back a couple of hours later is kind of taking up their full day.

SilverBirch2015 · 14/06/2015 15:09

I still think something happened or was said between the families at the communion that the OP was not aware of, which highlighted the perceived snub to the ILs. The 3 family members obviously decided amongst themselves not to attend the buffet, otherwise, it would have been an odd coincidence for the PILs, SIL & BIL to all say yes they were coming and then change their plans.

Weebirdie · 14/06/2015 15:45

I still believe at least one of the in laws was put out by it all and revved the others up about the arrangements with the result no one went.

worridmum · 14/06/2015 16:00

but why couldnt your DH family come first and your own parents come second? Is this how family events happen all the time your own family coming first?

Because by the sound of it they do feel like they are second best can you imainge if it was a wedding and you invited one half of the family for the cermonry and lunch / speeches and than DH half of the family only for the evening even etc despite it being due to accomidate DS autism (My twin brother as ASD ) can you sort of see how they could of been hurt by it ?

Next time you have a family event have your In laws around first and your own family second as that migth go down better and hopefully your own family wont boycott it and take possible offence

Frenchmustard7 · 14/06/2015 16:08

ADish. I think you'll find the IL were asked to drop by AFTER 3 which means in reality that they would start nibbling bits and pieces from the buffet late afternoon (quite a normal tea time)

redskybynight · 14/06/2015 16:44

It sounds like the invitation was made fairly informally (as suggested by SIL not seeming to know what time she was meant to come round). As in, "why don't you pop round in the afternoon? Any time after 3 will be good and we'll do a bit of a buffet". In-laws said "yes that sounds good" not realising it was meant to be a part of the days' celebrations, and potentially not realising that they were the only guests. Then when they realised that OP's family would be there (and had been invited first) they decided they wouldn't be bothered with it.

HairyMcMary · 14/06/2015 16:59

Myeyyes and Worrid, RTFT.
The OP has explained why she invited her folks first.
And LOL at going out for a meal given what she says about her autistic son.

OP : this thread has gone past the point of no return where not enough posters have RTFT and everyone goes over the same ground endlessly .such is AIBU.

ttc2015 · 14/06/2015 17:06

I think PIL were put out. I think B/SIL couldn't be arsed. PIL saying about your family being there and making it clear they go out on a saturday night, that's them saying they were put out. S/BIL have no excuse, they probably decided not to bother.

Tell SIL, 'I was very clear with the time and if you'd been unsure you could have text me to ask. Instead you didn't bother to show up, leaving us with a disappointed daughter and wasted food. You obviously didn't want to attend for reasons you aren't saying.'

ttc2015 · 14/06/2015 17:07

Be firm. They were arseholes. Yes you may have made them feel second rate but if so you say just that and deline the invite, not stand up their granchild/niece!

Lindy2 · 14/06/2015 17:17

You could always switch it back on your in laws a little. If you decide to do a family event again say to them that the staggered visits obviously didn't work for them and what would they suggest as an alternative.
If they say us first, you know they didn't like being in the second group of visitors, if they say all together you know they don't understand or prioritise your son's needs. Alternatively they may come up with another idea that may work in the future.

Frenchmustard7 · 14/06/2015 17:23

If you do another celebration ensure its a bring and share

Rosieliveson · 15/06/2015 09:08

Your updates do nothing to change my mind Catherine. Put out or not, THEY were rude. Not turning up to a celebration, wasting a buffet and disappointing children is not the way to make a point. If they were put out, they could have brought it up at another time. They behaved terribly and it certainly wouldn't lead me to plan anything for them, especially not at the expense of time with my parents, again!

Lweji · 15/06/2015 10:32

But to expect people to come back a couple of hours later is kind of taking up their full day.

Yet, they had many opportunities to say they didn't want to show up.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 15/06/2015 11:17

I've put myself in the shoes of your husband's family and just can't imagine ever getting offended by 'hierarchy' or 'second best' because I was invited to the second gathering of the day. It wouldn't even occur to me! Clearly, I'm in a minority if the views on this thread are anything to go by.

Seriously, can people really be offended?? They've been invited to a family celebration with food and drink for goodness sake! So what if it's the second celebration of the day? How big can egos be? Get a sense of perspective!

I think they just couldn't be bothered to go and that's up to them - but they should have said rather than just not turn up! Now that is something to be offended by!