To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

[CatherineU]

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

I agree with you Magical, I wouldn't be offended by my family doing this because generally speaking we operate with a lot of give and take and consideration for each other's feelings. If it was necessary to do this occasionally, we'd all understand.

However, if I found myself in the half of the family that always came second, I might feel differently.

Quite agree magical. Tbh anyone with an ego that fragile wouldn't still be around us (they simply wouldn't cope with autistic ds1). That's why I said earlier it was a positive for future relations that it appeared they just couldn't be arsed on this occasion. (Although sounds like there may be some fun & games ahead with FIL - if there are OP just let them wash over you - you can't force anyone to get it).

Yes I wouldn't be offended either going for a buffet later

I wouldn't be offended by the arrangements, especially if I knew it was for the wellbeing of somebody with autism, but I probably wouldn't go to the evening buffet because of the inconvenience. Unless I lived really close it would be a pain in the backside to attend the ceremony, find something to do for a few hours (over lunchtime, but not being able to eat lunch because there was food later...) and then go back for a buffet. I would, however, have told the OP I wouldn't be coming. It's rude to let someone buy food and cater for you and then not bother to turn up.

Ted the IL's live extremely close so distance wasn't an issue

It sounds like maybe they got bees in their bonnets after they heard about the confirmed plans and together decided they were "second set"-and I am wondering if your PILS and SIL had drinks together? I do think you consider the perspective of those who suggested maybe it would have been more delicate to go-grandparents and then extended family.

Is your DHs side of the family RC as well? Because if they aren't they may not have appreciated the significance of the event to you.

I have to say it seems like there are lots of issues bubbling underneath this one event that have probably stretched back years- if there weren't your in-laws would not have taken umbrage at not being invited-or they would have appreciated how hurt you and your DH would be at them not coming.