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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry and upset I may explode

270 replies

Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 16:49

A close family member has obtained information regarding some medical issues/procedure and tests I have had/will be having done.

Its private, REALLY private. Something dh and I wanted to keep to ourselves.

The information was in paperwork (a letter and some general info) at my house that this family member has obviously snooped through. Now, for whatever reason she thinks it is appropriate to divulge this other members of the family/friends.

I feel heartbroken and also extremely angry. I don't want everybody to know and I actually feel violated. What sort of person goes through other people's paperwork then lets out private medical information?

AIBU to be this upset, and is there anything I can actually do (apart from hiding away and crying like I want to)

OP posts:
Stormingateacup · 22/01/2015 16:52

I think you should let her know how upset you are. Is she the type to apologise? And ask her not to talk about it anymore and if any of the family members ask you, tell them it's private and you don't want to discuss it.

Take the key back from her (presuming that's how she was able to snoop).

Sympathies, sounds very upsetting.

TwigletLola · 22/01/2015 16:52

Oh bless you, you poor thing! Sending Flowers and Wine your way. Is there anyone in the family that she would listen to? I would set my mum or husband on her tbh, it's none of her damn business!

3littlefrogs · 22/01/2015 16:54

Has she actually divulged the information?

No - YANBU - it is very bad form to go through someone's private papers, and even worse to then gossip about the contents.

Can you speak to the person and tell her how you feel?

DextersMistress · 22/01/2015 16:55

Of course you are nbu. What a shitty thing to do. I agree with pp, you need to actually tell them you're upset and they need to stop talking about it to people.

Clobbered · 22/01/2015 16:56

Appalling behaviour. You should definitely call her out on this. Bad enough that you have to deal with this issue yourself, without someone else blabbing about it.

If any friends/family ask you, tell them exactly what happened with the relative and shut down further discussion.

Or deny it entirely and pretend she's making it up for the drama??

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 16:56

She doesn't have a key, had popped round for tea and cake and I'd gone out to get some more milk I think that's when she looked. I have a huge pile of paperwork (and rubbish) in the kitchen. It was not right at the top though so she's sifted through things.

I can't see why she feels it should be public knowledge. Its private, I don't want anybody else to know and she has already started talking to people about it and asking me why iam keeping such huge secrets and spending so much money when other people are struggling Sad

OP posts:
CaptainAnkles · 22/01/2015 16:56

What a horrible invasion of privacy. How many people has she told? Did she tell you that she'd done it or did you find out through others telling you they know?

MonstrousRatbag · 22/01/2015 16:57

Make sure taht the people this family member has told are informed how the family member found out. Shame him/her as well as telling him/her to be quiet.

ohbollocks2u · 22/01/2015 16:59

Fucking hell , I am bloody furious on your behalf

What kind of person would do that ???

I would rip their face off if they dared to repeat it to anyone

Nomama · 22/01/2015 16:59

Have a good cry. Scream and shout with/at your DH.

Now, step into your Big Girl Knickers, hoik 'em up into proper Judgey Pants and go find the bitch.

Tell her, as calmly as you can to shut up and simply listen: "You have overstepped all bounds, invaded my privacy twice, once in snooping and again telling others about what is very obviously a private matter. Your actions have left me feeling physically ill and emotionally drained. You are absolutely no longer welcome in my house/pick you own level of sanction."

If you cannot tell her then commit something like that to a letter/email and send it to her.

Should anyone mention it to you or your DH you have only 1 response "I have already spoke to X and have told her that she has completely broken all trust in this matter. I have no wish to discuss this with anyone."

Don't try to hide it now, don't try to downsize it. Let everyone know how upset you are with her... basically when/if anyone mentions it refer them back to her with a flea in their ear for her. Ensure that the only one with a problem is her.

Then keep your chin up, your privacy back intact and sod her. Whoever she is!

MakkaPakkastolemystone · 22/01/2015 17:01

That is unspeakably awful. YANBU. I'd absolutely tell her what I thought of her and it would be a cold day in hell before she was permitted back into my home. I'd also ask those people she told to try to keep it to themselves explaining exactly how she came to have the information. YANBU. I hope your medical treatment goes well.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 17:02

She has told her dp, our DM and some of her/our friends. I've had two phone calls already (nice, concerned ones but still, I didn't want anybody to know so that I didn't feel we had any pressure on us).
Then there is the issue of cost. For whatever reason apparently I am being unacceptable 'throwing away' money. This may or may not stem from when she asked to borrow from me before Christmas and I said no we were short of money.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 22/01/2015 17:03

I would be outraged. She would never step foot in my home again if it were me.

Diabolomenthe · 22/01/2015 17:05

I bet it's the mil who did it.

duckwalk · 22/01/2015 17:05

Oh I would be furious! YADNBU to be so upset and angry! Nobody has the right to go through someone else's private paperwork, but to then repeat your personal private information.....I'd be so so upset. I can't imagine how let down and violated you must feel, but have this Flowers (and a hug).

PartTimePunk · 22/01/2015 17:06

What nomama said ^^

I am raging on your behalf. I don't think I would be responsible for my actions if I was you.

CaptainAnkles · 22/01/2015 17:07

It's your sister?? Shock

Fudgeface123 · 22/01/2015 17:07

What does your DH think?

fuzzpig · 22/01/2015 17:09

Wow what a horrible person.

You need to tell the person how angry you are, and also if you can bear it tell the people she's told that she had no permission from you and that she snooped to find it out.

Nomama · 22/01/2015 17:09

And I have guessed from the rellie list that this was your sister. That has got to be a real kicker.

Best of luck dealing with her.

DeliciousMonster · 22/01/2015 17:09

Have you actually told her to shut the fuck up and that she is no longer welcome in your world? What a complete bitch.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 17:10

I'm just so angry and upset. I'm going to have to go and calm myself down, have some tea and a cry. I feel as if my mind is racing and I am furious.

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 22/01/2015 17:10

sister

you need to Have A Word very very loudly

then tell your mum

that's horrible of her Sad

Stormingateacup · 22/01/2015 17:10

Fucking hell. How dare she tell you what to spend your money on?

If its what I imagine it is, it's even more hurtful to suggest you're throwing it away i.e. there's no chance of getting the result you want.

You have every right to be furious and I'd make sure she knows it.

Georgethesecond · 22/01/2015 17:11

I think you should let her know how furious you are. Why do you feel the need to hide it? She is very far out of line here.