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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry and upset I may explode

270 replies

Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 16:49

A close family member has obtained information regarding some medical issues/procedure and tests I have had/will be having done.

Its private, REALLY private. Something dh and I wanted to keep to ourselves.

The information was in paperwork (a letter and some general info) at my house that this family member has obviously snooped through. Now, for whatever reason she thinks it is appropriate to divulge this other members of the family/friends.

I feel heartbroken and also extremely angry. I don't want everybody to know and I actually feel violated. What sort of person goes through other people's paperwork then lets out private medical information?

AIBU to be this upset, and is there anything I can actually do (apart from hiding away and crying like I want to)

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 17:12

Dh will be livid.

I thought it was a given, everybody Knows it, medical info is private.

OP posts:
MonstrousRatbag · 22/01/2015 17:12

I agree about not having her in the house. Complete breach of trust, and it sounds selfishly motivated (was she snooping for financial information to 'prove' you could afford to lend to her, I wonder?).

You absolutely don't have to talk about it with callers just to be polite. It's fine to make clear you just don't want to discuss it.

Didactylos · 22/01/2015 17:12

you poor thing, am pissed off and angry on your behalf
please dont hide away and cry, you have nothing to be ashamed of, it is her who should be scurrying about feeling ashamed

speak to those she has told - say this was private info, she has gone through my paperwork, i am bloody furious, make sure its fully publicized and known in the family what a devious and dishonest little shite she is. All discussions should be about her foul behaviour, not your health problems

then confront her, with someone who knows your side of the story. And dont listen to tears/excuses/i was worried about you crap, or get into discussions about what you are doing/spending money on. State the facts to her- you went through my personal papers when you had no reason to, you discussed my health information with other people, you are no longer welcome in my house

CrystalHaze · 22/01/2015 17:13

I agree with those saying to contact those she has told and make clear that she obtained the information by going through your private papers while she was a guest in the house, and explain how distressing this is and has added to the stress surrounding this health issue.

It is an utterly disgusting thing to do, and I would not be welcoming this person into the house again.

(I think sister too. A younger, very immature sister).

cozietoesie · 22/01/2015 17:13

You might feel a bit better if you start drafting an email or letter to her - as Nomama suggested. Just don't send it right away because the first draft may not be what you finally want.

emotionsecho · 22/01/2015 17:13

As Nomana suggested you need to make it crystal clear to her either verbally, or in writing, exactly how unacceptable what she has done is. I would do that then cut all contact with her and if anyone asked why I would say she totally breached my trust, invaded my privacy and I will have nothing more to do with someone who could stoop so low.

Perhaps say to the people who she has told and who have contacted you that you don't wish to discuss this very private/personal matter and tell them how the person who told them came about the information and you would be grateful if they didn't spread it any further.

It's appalling what she has done, I couldn't have someone like that around me again.

middleagedbread · 22/01/2015 17:13

Wow, OP, I'm furious on your behalfAngry. It is bad enough that she has snooped around your home and sifted through papers, then she has spread the information around and to cap it all has criticised YOU Shock!

I don't know how you don't want to smack her one, I don't usually approve of violence but, reading your story made me want to. Revolting person.

NiamhNext · 22/01/2015 17:16

I've been outraged for less (when sister told extended family and friends my private medical info and my DC's) so can completely understand and YANBU.

  1. She should not have gone through your things. Shock
  2. Having found something out she should have told you and only you that she knows.
  3. She should not have broken the news to anyone else. (But can excuse her own DP if in confidence. But your Mum? Again Shock)

I found it helped to tell sister, via private text, what she did wrong and then just leave it. She made lots of squirmy excuses and I said nothing and she eventally apologised (but with more excuses). She would probably do the same again but I think the penny dropped as to why I kept 'secrets' from her and general public.

I didn't talk to other family members or friends about her, just tried to be careful to say I didn't want to say anything to them 'until I knew more' kind of thing.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 17:16

We just didn't want anybody knowing, no pressure then and it was just between us.
I am seriously considering putting things off now a few weeks (appt date was mentioned in the letter) as can't bear the thought of all eyes being on me. I just wanted some privacy and space and no attention about it.
DM was absolutely lovely to me, but clearly a bit hurt I hadn't mentioned anything to her.

OP posts:
Humansatnav · 22/01/2015 17:16

Op Flowers
No fucking way would she cross my threshold again.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/01/2015 17:16

I assume it was IVF, a very long way from being a waste of money. Utter bitch. Perhaps you could tell people you are postponing for now, that might make you feel less pressured?

NiamhNext · 22/01/2015 17:17

Is it your house? Can you get her to move out?

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 22/01/2015 17:17

I am not surprised you are furious. She is so out of order. How dare she invade your privacy!

And then to try to tell you off for spending your money how you see fit!

Because you didn't choose to give it to her.

Outrageous.

When you have calmed down, you could perhaps start to think what you are going to say to her if she dares to raise it again.

I am not wasting my money, I am spending it on something that is a) important to me and b) none of your business.
Dont you dare tell me what I can or cannot spend my money on
I didn't ask you for your opinion and I don't want it

that sort of thing.

Do you feel that you are able to tell people how she came by this information and how angry you are?

CaramelPie · 22/01/2015 17:18

My god - I would definitely have it out with her.

NiamhNext · 22/01/2015 17:20

Sorry was mixing this thread up with another and thought the relative was living in your house. At least that isn't the case.

Yes, I'd be tempted to tell people that it's all off etc.

mineofuselessinformation · 22/01/2015 17:20

Have a cry if you feel like it. Going through ivf is stressful enough.
But do make sure you let everyone who contacts you know how this information has come to light - even if you feel you don't want to. Then let it be know this is totally private and you won't be discussing it with anyone.
Best wishes that you will be successful. Smile

Branleuse · 22/01/2015 17:21

im assuming its cosmetic surgery. Absolutely private and your own business, whatever it is. I would be furious and devastated. Its noones secret to tell x

CrystalHaze · 22/01/2015 17:21

I'm assuming IVF too, and for her to then say that this is a 'waste' of money (money that she thought would be better used by giving it to her) is despicable.

Does she have form for this sort of behaviour? Has she got a problem (e.g. large debts) that might be clouding her judgement? Not making excuses for her, just trying to work out why someone would stoop so low and behave so atrociously.

Flowers
CaptainAnkles · 22/01/2015 17:23

Whether it's cosmetic surgery or ivf or whatever, it's absolutely unacceptable for her to tell you it's a waste of money. Angry on your behalf.

FatimaLovesBread · 22/01/2015 17:24

YANBU OP

I'm making some massive assumptions but from my past experience I'm guessing it is your DSis and IVF? I would be absolutely livid.
If my assumptions are correct, DH and I went through IVF three years ago but told people when we wanted to, mainly to stop people asking sodding questions of when we were going to get a move on and have a baby. But it was OUR choice to tell people. If anyone had gone behind our back and then told others I would be livid!
I understand the no pressure part, DH and I are contemplating FET later this year but I don't want to tell anyone this time around to keep the pressure off.
Sorry if none of the above is relevant but the principle remains regardless of what the medical condition and treatment is, it is private

anothergenericname · 22/01/2015 17:24

I'm thirding (fourthing) nomama's suggestion. I think the focus here needs to be on her appalling behaviour. Not your private business.

ExitPursuedByABear · 22/01/2015 17:25

That is outrageous.

Flowers
PicaK · 22/01/2015 17:25

She is a fucking bitch. I am feeling hugely cross and upset on your behalf. You must be in a state. And your needing to keep it private response is totally valid and an awful lot of people deal with it that way and it should be respected. (So i'm disappointed with your mum's response too.)
The most charitable thing I can think is that she was hurt cos she thought you'd have told other people about it and not her.
Don't contact her tonight. Let the anger go and then you need to tell her how you feel. Don't miss that appointment though because of her. There'll be enough delays not in your control.
Do not rely on this cow for emotional support through. If it is ivf then counselling really helps - even if just to stop you losing the plot when relatives are crap.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 17:26

I think she is angry as I had said I couldn't afford to lend money to her when in fact we were just saving for ourselves. There is also the issue of how she feels 'left out' as I hadn't told her.
The thing is we had spoken (me and dh) and agreed we did not want to tell anybody else, we thought it was best to just keep everything to ourselves and it wasn't personal more that we just wanted it to be private. Apparently that is not acceptable!

OP posts:
MariosYoshi · 22/01/2015 17:27

By what you've said im assuming this was your sister? And that we're talking about ivf..Id be ripping her a new arsehole. Seriously do not worry about upsetting or offending her, she hasn't worried about that with you. If you can't face talking to her to tell you how you feel I would send her a message as for the people she has told tell them that you don't want to talk about it as you already feel violated as it was supposed to be private. How nasty of her im so angry on your behalf