So angry and upset I may explode

[Edenviolet]

A close family member has obtained information regarding some medical issues/procedure and tests I have had/will be having done.

Its private, REALLY private. Something dh and I wanted to keep to ourselves.

The information was in paperwork (a letter and some general info) at my house that this family member has obviously snooped through. Now, for whatever reason she thinks it is appropriate to divulge this other members of the family/friends.

I feel heartbroken and also extremely angry. I don't want everybody to know and I actually feel violated. What sort of person goes through other people's paperwork then lets out private medical information?

AIBU to be this upset, and is there anything I can actually do (apart from hiding away and crying like I want to)

OH gosh, OP, I'm so, so sorry.

If she had just seen it and asked you about it, then I could maybe find a tiny corner of my heart that said 'Maybe it was an accident and she saw something lying around and looked'. But she's gone and told others about it, and that is a second and more complete violation of your trust. You have every right to feel incredibly hurt. The comments about how you spend your money are really the last straw.

I would write a very calm and non-bitchy email stating how you feel about this, and that it has irredeemably changed the way you feel about the relationship. I'd also ask that she doesn't contact you for some time. This should give you some breathing space.

If it is IVF, I know how painful that is and can completely understand why you would want to keep it to yourself.

I hope you're going to take the advice on here and tell anyone who asks you about it exactly how she got that information.

Poor you OP, how awful.

This is exactly the kind of thing my mum would do, she has no boundaries and can't be trusted at all. And it's part of why I never trust her, hardly ever see her and am trying to reduce contact even more. There are some things it's just not possible to let past.

Last post changes things a bit - and not for the better

Now the snooping and subsequent blabbing seem much more measured and nastier

Best wishes OP. Hope everything is OK

YANBU

I assume ivf? From someone who has done ivf, twice, I would be absolutely raging if I was in your shoes not to mention hurt and frustrated.

You need to have it out. Tell her she had no right going through your personal stuff and that you would appreciate it if she keeps her opinions on it to herself.

I'm glad your DM has been kind, maybe it is better she knows? When I did treatment, DH and I only told our parents and siblings. I'm now 8 months and about to pop this baby out and still no one other than them know. We did tell a few close friends but we are not telling any other family.

Cry scream and shout about this and then put it to bed. IVf is hard and very stressful so I really recommend you let this go. If you get people asking you questions or looking for gossip tell them straight out that you aren't discussing it.

Does she know what the appointment on the specified date is for?

It doesn't matter how angry she feels. She acted like an immature little bitch and the only thing you need to hear from her is an apology, not a string of crappy justifications for her terrible behaviour.

You do not have to justify why you have not told anyone, it is your business and no-one else. She was completely in the wrong and you have every right to be furious and to her so. I would also tell anyone who asks you about it what happened and that it is not something up for public discussion.

If it is IVF as people are assuming then I wish you the best of luck with it

Iam just incredibly hurt. Its like being kicked I actually feel physically unwell.

I have secondary infertility, apparently this is why it is a waste of money according to dsis. To 'throw away' money when I should be content with what I have, to 'keep a secret' etc. she has really hurt me with her harsh words.
I know she is also annoyed as wanted to borrow money, and yes, at the time I lied. I said we had no spare money to lend which she obviously knows to be a lie now.
What she does not realise is that
A) it is our money to spend as we wish
B) we did not want anybody knowing as didn't want any pressure on us at all
C) never in a million years would I do what she has, its so unbelievably and obviously wrong to divulge somebody else's medical info.

I know she is also annoyed as wanted to borrow money, and yes, at the time I lied. I said we had no spare money to lend which she obviously knows to be a lie now.

It's your money to spend on what you want.

How can she not see that it is completely reasonable not to want to broadcast it?

When we started ttc DH and I didn't tell anyone because neither of us could face the unspoken question every time we spoke to someone in the know - which would be even worse if you had an actual appointment that they wanted to hear about.

Best of luck with whatever procedure it is you are about to have - and with putting this person in no doubt of the total unreasonability of her actions.

It wasn't a lie to say you had no spare money - the "spare" money was earmarked for your fertility treatment.

I don't think I could forgive this

I would absolutely tell her what I thought or felt. She has no right to snoop. It is a huge betrayal, basically, I would not want anything to do with her.

You didn't lie. You didn't have any spare money. It was accounted for.

She has the cheek to be annoyed at you, because you won't lend her money, op distance yourself, she sounds awful.

No it was not a lie.

You had no spare money

The money you had you were saving for something very important to you. It was not spare = nowhere else to go. It was needed.

And she is not entitled to your money. You can piss it up a wall or spend it all on fucking gogos if you choose to. You are under no obligation to help her out at all.

And how bloody DARE she even DARE to be angry with you because she thinks lending her money is more important than you having a child.

Fuck her.

Do not allow her to be angry or play the victim here. you have done nothing wrong.

I can normally see two sides to every story (I have a great deal of splinters in my bum from sitting on the fence). But wow. On this occassion I am off the fucking fence and furious for you. Totally, unbelievably out of order.

I am sorry you/your personal details have been "exposed" in such a horrible way. And you have every right to be furious and upset.

Make sure you tell every person who now knows about this, that the snooper only knows this information because she went through your private papers and that you are deeply distressed. How dare she.

WaitingImpatient YANOTBU!!!

And you did not lie, you said you had no money to end to her, you did not. You needed the money for your own medical treatment.

I had secondary fertility, I had a LOT of very expensive treatment. (We ended up adopting adorable ds to join our adorable dd and are very happy BUT the treatment we had was what we wanted to had and we spent our money to do it).

It is no one else's business AT ALL.

Please do not alter your appointment unless you really wish to.

Tell your sister as others have advised how this is a violation of your privacy and you take a very dim view of it. you are not obliged to lend her money or tell her about personal medical details.

The only thing for her to do now is apologise profusely and promise not to do this again. Then she can follow that up with a big pile of not talking about it at all ever again unless you initiate the conversation!

For other relatives and well wishes/snoopers/concerned relatives etc just put on your poker face and say your sister snooped on you and revealed private medical information you do not wish to discuss.

If you really want to stop the tongues I would say "This has upset me so much I am considering not having the appointment which we were booked in for. Please do not talk about this again."

Then I would have the appointment, do what I wanted to do, spend what I wanted. I would lock all paperwork away and make sure if your sis comes to your house she is not left alone with any private material at all. How sad to have to do that but she has driven you to it.

Then, deep breath, I would forgive her, privately if you prefer, and move on.

She has broken your trust but she will only alter your plans if you let her.

And to me, even if it was for Botox, a nose job, a boob job - it is still none of her business and you would have had every right to be saving that money for what you and your DH had decided upon. Just because she wanted to borrow money does not give her the right to dictate a) what you spend your money on and b) that to get her own back she will blab about you.

we did not want anybody knowing as didn't want any pressure on us at all

This^^

I feel so sorry for you. When we were going through IVF we told no-one - not even my DM, who I am very close to so I completely understand your desire for privacy. It was hard enough bearing the disappointment of failures ourselves without having to tell other people, even ones we were close to, that it hadn't worked. I could just about deal with my own sadness - dealing with other people's would have pushed me over the edge.

Have a rant and rave and then disengage from your sister for a while until she can see that what she did was unforgiveable and apologises.

Has anyone told her how wrong she is in this?

I think I'd have to go no contact. Her behaviour is abhorrent.
Hope you're ok OP!

How is it a lie it was earmarked for the Ivf not spare its none of her business how you spend your money and you are under no obligation to lend her any spare or not, I would have it out with her what an awful thing to do. Until she accepted she was totally in yhe wrong and appologised I wouldnt be havibg much to do with her

She is a rude, greedy, entitled, mannerless bitch!!

Please don't put off the appointment - don't let her disgusting behaviour stop you doing this for yourself.

{{{ hugs }}}.

I want to go round and rip her a new one - I am furious on your behalf!

What did she want the money for? I'm just wondering what, in her selfish little world, she ranks as more important than your decision to spend your money on your own fertility treatment and adding to your family.