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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry and upset I may explode

270 replies

Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 16:49

A close family member has obtained information regarding some medical issues/procedure and tests I have had/will be having done.

Its private, REALLY private. Something dh and I wanted to keep to ourselves.

The information was in paperwork (a letter and some general info) at my house that this family member has obviously snooped through. Now, for whatever reason she thinks it is appropriate to divulge this other members of the family/friends.

I feel heartbroken and also extremely angry. I don't want everybody to know and I actually feel violated. What sort of person goes through other people's paperwork then lets out private medical information?

AIBU to be this upset, and is there anything I can actually do (apart from hiding away and crying like I want to)

OP posts:
TheBooMonster · 22/01/2015 17:49

oh bloody hell OP you have every right to be furious, what a violation to go through someone else's things in the first place, and then to assume she had any bloody right to air her opinions on it is pretty damned out of order, her financial situation is neither here nor there. Telling other family and friends when it was obviously something you didn't want made public knowledge is absolutely unforgivable! Make sure you're firm with anyone who knows that it isn't something you wanted to be public knowledge and that it should not by any stretch of the imagination go any further than them then perhaps sew your sisters mouth shut and hands together

cate16 · 22/01/2015 17:50

I know nothing about fertility - so please forgive me if this is wrong.

You say she says you should be happy with what you have... so I assume you already have one child?
If so, I would throw others of the scent - I would totally deny all knowledge of what she is talking about, suggesting perhaps she is making it up.
(I am the 'don't get mad, get even' type person though)

nevergooglebrandybutter · 22/01/2015 17:50

she's an idiot. get rid.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 17:50

I have not spoken to her again as just don't know what to say. I'm too angry.

Dh will be livid and really upset. He said to me only the other night how sad he felt about it all, how he feels bad for me that it should be something so easy and that its not. We had plans of it being our secret and trying to make the best of a difficult situation and that all just feels shattered. Dsis looking down her nose at me all angry and put out that she didn't already know/we hadn't lent money/she disagrees with what we are doing.

OP posts:
DoJo · 22/01/2015 17:52

Honestly - I would find this unforgivable. Having had similar issues myself over the last year (although not quite the same), we have not told anyone. Not parents, not friends, nobody. It's private. There is some paperwork floating around the house, because it is OUR house, and I would expect anyone who caught sight of it to keep their mouths shut about having seen it altogether, not go blabbing around to all and sundry about it.

To actually seek out information and then share it with uninvolved parties is completely unfathomable. I would find it very hard to come to terms with the breach of trust, the invasion of privacy, the sheer hard-faced spite of the comments and the sharing of privileged information with others. There are so many things wrong with this situation that I cannot imagine how you could have a relationship with this person after this.

Italiangreyhound · 22/01/2015 17:52

Sorry typos...

And you did not lie, you said you had no money to lend to her, you did not.

I had secondary infertility...

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 17:53

She needed help with a deposit as is in very unsuitable and not secure accomodation. I do feel genuinely sorry for her about that as I know it has been hard for her but she won't accept my advice to move as she would rather stay in unsuitable housing and save for a deposit than rent somewhere else as doesn't want to waste money on rent (her current housing is free, living with relatives)

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 22/01/2015 17:53

Yanbu and I think you know that.

You also have not lied to her.

I would be upset at this. Are you shocked....does she have a history of being nosey etc? So I'm gathering she saw the letter etc....said nothing to you at the time and then told others?

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2015 17:53

This has shocked me more than anything I've read on MN. How dare she do that?

I think you should send your husband round to her house to have a word with her. I wouldn't be able to say anything at all to any of them.

violetwellies · 22/01/2015 17:55

Absolutely not a lie, you have no money as infertility treatment is hideously expensive. All money accounted for.

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2015 17:57

Oh my fucking god what a bitch Shock Angry

How dare she?

Fwiw I'd go absolutely fucking nuclear on her arse. I would probably never see or speak to her again - after I told her exactly what I thought of her.

JulesJules · 22/01/2015 17:57

Wow. What a bitch.

So sorry, OP, what a horrible thing for you to deal with.

wanttosqueezeyou · 22/01/2015 17:57

I would tell her how upset and shocked I was. How rude she is, how untrustworthy and that she has overstepped all normal barriers.

That you will never trust her again.

I'd probably need a spell of not seeing/speaking to her too.

lindtastic · 22/01/2015 17:59

Totally unforgivable. I'm not surprised that you are upset. I wouldn't bother with her again, I just wouldn't be able to trust her.

YADNBU.

hamptoncourt · 22/01/2015 17:59

This is disgusting OP and I would never speak to her again. She sounds toxic selfish and bitchy. Why would you bother?

Good luck with your treatment Thanks

Surreyblah · 22/01/2015 17:59

All of it, including the unreasonable anger about you refusing her requests for money and horrible comments about secondary infertility (I had similar "be grateful for what you have" from my DB and really regret not telling him how hurt and angry i felt) is terrible. I would rage at her or write to her and give her a wide birth for some time.

And tell your DM and the others about the snooping, requests for money, horrible comments and that your fertility and choices are private!

Jux · 22/01/2015 18:00

You didn't lie to her though. You told her you had no money to spare and you don't. The money you have is earmarked and therefore not spare.

How dare she behave as she has, from snooping through your private papers to talking about her ill-found knowledge to judging you. It's atrocious behaviour.

She sounds like one of those "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" people.

Does she behave like this in other ways too? Can your mum talk seriously to her about her unpleasant and entitled attitude?

aintnothinbutagstring · 22/01/2015 18:00

Is she young? Your younger sister. She sounds very childish. Can't believe she wants you to stump up for a deposit on a house, how entitled.

AndHarry · 22/01/2015 18:02

What a nasty, selfish person she is. You have nothing to be sorry or guilty about. A similar thing happened to me when I was expecting DC2 and I have completely cut contact with that person. She was a horrible drama queen anyway so it's been no loss.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 18:02

I am so hurt.

Dh is due home any time now, he's going to be able to tell something has happened as my face is puffy and red. He is going to be furious.

OP posts:
adora1985 · 22/01/2015 18:04

Absolutely disgusting behaviour, and not something I could forgive. I'm currently dealing with infertility and beginning treatment shortly, and have chosen to tell my family due to previous history. However if I hadn't then if be absolutely devastated if a relative had betrayed my trust by going through extremely private documents without permission, and then told family about the contents.
It's an absolutely huge betrayal of trust, and she had absolutely no right behave how she has in any way.
I hope that in time she comes to see how horrible her actions have been and the damage she's caused.

WoTmania · 22/01/2015 18:04

YANBU - what an unbelievably selfish and entitled way to behave. Not to mention underhand going through your paperwork.
That money wasn't 'spare', you were going to use it. Her telling other people is really vindictive too, although she sounds the kind of entitled type who is expecting people to agree with that it's a waste of money (it really isn't) and back her up.
I really hope your treatment is successful and you have another DD/DS to add to your family.

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2015 18:05

Might be an idea to "let" him be furious - could you let him loose on her? Could be therapeutic for him and save you potentially being emotional in front of her.

WitchWay · 22/01/2015 18:08

Agree with fourfox - let him be furious in her direction - she might actually take more notice of that.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 22/01/2015 18:08

Good. He should be furious.