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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry and upset I may explode

270 replies

Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 16:49

A close family member has obtained information regarding some medical issues/procedure and tests I have had/will be having done.

Its private, REALLY private. Something dh and I wanted to keep to ourselves.

The information was in paperwork (a letter and some general info) at my house that this family member has obviously snooped through. Now, for whatever reason she thinks it is appropriate to divulge this other members of the family/friends.

I feel heartbroken and also extremely angry. I don't want everybody to know and I actually feel violated. What sort of person goes through other people's paperwork then lets out private medical information?

AIBU to be this upset, and is there anything I can actually do (apart from hiding away and crying like I want to)

OP posts:
Blueblueblueblue · 22/01/2015 18:42

We had IVF. We told no one for exactly the same reasons as you.

We told our folks and my sisters after we (finally) got pregnant.

No one has a right to your personal information... Just like they don't have a right to your financial info.

Let your DH be furious. He has a right to be.

Hairyhobbittoes · 22/01/2015 18:45

I hardly ever post but wanted to say I am so sorry this happened to you. I so hope you and your dh have other people in your life whom you can trust and who will give you support because this was the very last thing you needed.

Chilicosrenegade · 22/01/2015 18:47

Bloody hell blueblue you're right.

Op Jesus. I'm sorry. She's worse than I thought.
Flowers

FatimaLovesBread · 22/01/2015 18:47

Hang on a minute, your DH doesn't know what she's done yet? So she's done the routing through your post today?! And has already told your mum and other family members?
What did she do, read the letter and think I know I'll send a group text?!! How fucking dare she!
Rather than support her sister Angry

HopefulHamster · 22/01/2015 18:51

Oh OP you have all my sympathy! I have been there (needed treatment for both kids), and it is none of your sister's business how you spend your money or how you extend your family. Family is worth much more than contributing to her choice of where to live.

I'm not surprised you're heartbroken but please don't put off the appointment. It can be so frustrating waiting for these things as it is, I remember crying as to how long it took for us to get to the main event, months after our initial appt. Don't let her spoil this for you.

Amummyatlast · 22/01/2015 18:51

What a cow! I told everyone and everyone about my IVF/ICSI, but I can totally see why you might not want to and I'm livid on your behalf. And it is certainly not a waste of money. Grabby bitch.

Amummyatlast · 22/01/2015 18:52

Anyone and everyone

clam · 22/01/2015 18:54

And for everyone who phones you to ask about it or how it's going, just say that you're sorry but it's not up for discussion and your sister should not have divulged the information she found out, unbeknownst to you.

TSSDNCOP · 22/01/2015 18:55

I've considered this. I too have had IVF and, like you, was very particular about who was in the know.

As others have said, you need to let this go as your IVF will be stressful enough. How you do that is up to you, but if it were me I'd write a little e-mail, and cc the people she has told.

In it I would say that this information came into her hands during time you were out of your house. The information was not laying about, therefore necessitated a search. That the information is pertinent to your medical condition, and therefore private. You are therefore appalled that without consideration or discussion this information has been syndicated outside your home.

Depending on strongly you feel, state that you expect an unqualified apology, no "buts" no mitigating the disclosure because it's to family. Or tell her to stay well clear from you, your home and facility.

CrystalHaze · 22/01/2015 18:56

Yes, she was definitely looking for a bank statement so she could prove that you could afford to give her money, but she uncovered a lot more than she bargained for.

How resourceful of her to manage to spin what she discovered into something that made her entitled to your cash and cast herself as the injured party.

iwasyoungonce · 22/01/2015 18:58

If this was my DSIS I honestly think I would never speak to her again.

The only thing that could possibly change that would be a full, sincere apology and an admission that she was thoroughly, thoroughly wrong and regret it bitterly.

Otherwise she could just fuck off forever.

Good luck with your treatment OP Thanks

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 22/01/2015 19:00

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

I have nothing to say other than that I'd cut her out. Not through anger or to punish her, but because her actions would tell me that she was absolutely not what a sister should be, and I simply wouldn't be able to pretend in future that I thought she was a good person, a friend, pretend that she valued me and our relationship etc. It would just be over for me. I wouldn't want her in my life.

And it's all because she seems to think that your money belongs in her pocket. How nice.

FyreFly · 22/01/2015 19:01

Oh I'm so sorry Waiting. The betrayal must be awful. I won't go into her absolutely appalling behaviour as it's been said many times on here before (and because I don't want to get banned Wink ).

Tell your DH. Let him be furious for you whilst you recover from the shock. Let him deal with her, because God knows she certainly doesn't deserve any of your time and energy right now.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your treatment :)

clam · 22/01/2015 19:02

So, what happened when you got back with the milk? Did she carry on as if nothing had happened, or did she confront you then and there?

elfycat · 22/01/2015 19:04

I'm in agreement with everyone (another unanimous AIBU). What a cow.

Your choices are to shut up the flow of information, or to take control of it and inform anyone you have to discuss it with of WHY you need to share this - ie the cow snooping through papers and then failing to keep her mouth shut.

As for her - trust gone. I'm feeling gutted for you. How awful to have to realise that someone close can be like this.

Mulligrubs · 22/01/2015 19:06

Nothing to add OP, you've had some great replies. I am angry on your behalf, I really hope you can find a way forward with your sister. What a bitch she is (sorry to be rude, but if this was my own sister I'd have a lot of trouble forgiving her)

NorksAreMessy · 22/01/2015 19:08

YANBU

Does she realise how hurt and upset you are?
What is your relationship like normally?

LadyLuck10 · 22/01/2015 19:11

You poor thing. What a damn cheek she has telling everyone your business and then daring to say that it's too costlyShock yes tell your DH and let him have words with her too!
I just can't believe the nerve of her having an opinion on your private life and sharing this with everyone.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 19:12

Dh got back and as predicted is totally and utterly furious. He said he will deal with dsis later but for now will be with me as I got very upset.

Dsis was reading the letter and other info when I got back, she just looked at me and said "why didn't you tell me about this???" Got annoyed,I burst into tears and grabbed all the paperwork and she she left shortly after telling me I was wasting my money.
It was not long after that DM phoned me.
I'm fully expecting others to ask about it too as dsis seems to think everybody has a right to know my business.

Dh is on the phone to DM now and wants to call all the other people we know she has told to let them know exactly what he thinks

OP posts:
ChrisMooseAlbanians · 22/01/2015 19:12

Let your DH be furious- she damn well deserves it.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 22/01/2015 19:15

Let him. Perhaps if there is fallout in the family, your dsis will learn a lesson. Doubt it, as she sounds like a selfish cow, but just perhaps....

So sorry you and your DH are having to deal with this. I hope things go more smoothly for you once things settle down a bit.

dixiechick1975 · 22/01/2015 19:16

I'd be so hurt and unable to see her again.

Can you send her an email or letter explaining how hurt you are by her snooping and then telling. Tell her please not share your personal information further and state you are too hurt to speak to or see her.

Then contact your mum and friends and explain you are upset your personal info has been breached by x snooping. You know people are being kind and mean well but you and DH had decided for good reason to deal with this privately in your own way. You have had to cancel your appointment on medical advice as you are so upset and would be grateful if people could abide by your wishes and let you and DH deal with things as you wish.

Definitely tell your mum she has done it out of spite as you wouldn't lend her money you had earmarked for treatment.

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2015 19:16

Oh sweetheart Sad

Let him be furious - him speaking to your mother is definitely a good idea. And if he wants to speak to everyone else just let him.

Your "sister" is one of the most vile specimens I've ever read about on here Sad

youarekiddingme · 22/01/2015 19:18

Jesus man alive Shock who the fuck does your sister think she is Angry

I have a whole folder full of paperwork here for my DS - it would be rammed sideways up the arse of anyone who thought it was their right to read it.

Look after yourself - you've had a hell of a shock and emotional trauma to deal with today. Flowers

Blueblueblueblue · 22/01/2015 19:20

Go for it Waiting's DH!!

She needs to know exactly how bad her behaviour has been.