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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry and upset I may explode

270 replies

Edenviolet · 22/01/2015 16:49

A close family member has obtained information regarding some medical issues/procedure and tests I have had/will be having done.

Its private, REALLY private. Something dh and I wanted to keep to ourselves.

The information was in paperwork (a letter and some general info) at my house that this family member has obviously snooped through. Now, for whatever reason she thinks it is appropriate to divulge this other members of the family/friends.

I feel heartbroken and also extremely angry. I don't want everybody to know and I actually feel violated. What sort of person goes through other people's paperwork then lets out private medical information?

AIBU to be this upset, and is there anything I can actually do (apart from hiding away and crying like I want to)

OP posts:
MrsDiesel · 22/01/2015 18:10

No wonder your furious. I would go with Norma suggestion too. With family like that who needs enemies.

Best if luck with your treatment.

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2015 18:15

I mean, it would be bad enough if she read/told people that you were off to have a wart removed or your tonsils out. Has she got absolutely no fucking sense?

Then to have the gall to be angry wih you and look down her nose and be bloody horrible about treatment, that takes the bloody biscuit.

Even for the completely uninitiated, fertility treatment is difficult and emotional and intensely personal. How can she not understand that?

ManyMayhem · 22/01/2015 18:16

If someone had told me what your sister has told your family I would have asked about whether they were 'authorised' to discuss it. Iyswim.

Did she tell your relatives that you wanted them to know about it?

It would be odd if your Mum didn't call her up on it.

I would have bollocked any of my adult kids if they had done that and I would not have approached the person being gossiped about.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2015 18:17

I agree let dh deal with her, she deserves a good telling off. My goodness she is no sister to you, sister in biology and nothing else, sisters do not do that. She is vile, toxic, nasty and spiteful and yes I would definitely go nc with her. It would be bad enough if she read it, but to spread it round like wildfire and then have to cheek to be angry with you because you cannot lend her money. She is fecking awful, and you don't need her. Flowers to you. It was bad enough, my mother telling the prayer group at church about my miscarriage, and they all prayed for me, but telling people who know you. I divulged that information about my mc to my mum, your sister snooped and read what wasen't hers to read.

Chilicosrenegade · 22/01/2015 18:17

Good. Let dh be furious. Let him call her. Let him deal with it. You're partners. If she's not treating you with respect she's not treating him with respect either.

I'd also let him speak gently to DM. Explain how angry you both are and that you didn't want to include her yet but would as and when was right for you both.

At times it is best to let ones partner deal. People listen better. Rather than just "sis is whining again..."

DoJo · 22/01/2015 18:17

I hope that your husband is able to offer you a shoulder to cry on and that some much needed real-life venting for both of you will feel cathartic.

I also think that any other family member sticking their oar in at this point should realise that there is a reason they have heard this information from this relative and not you, and that their input is unwelcome. It may be hurtful to your mum to find out like this, but I can guarantee that it's not as hurtful to her as it is to you. I do sometimes feel bad about keeping things from my mum, but I do it because I have to consider my feelings as well as hers, and actually, it is valid to want to keep something to yourself just because you do.

lunar1 · 22/01/2015 18:20

What a vile, nasty little bitch. I'd shame her and tell everybody what she has done. Warn them to lock up anything private if they ever let her into their home. She wouldn't be welcome in my life again.

My boys cost me a bloody fortune in fertility treatment, and if I'd had to I'd have maxed out every credit card, loan and robbed a bank if I'd needed to. Not a single penny of it was a waste, nor was it anyone's business apart from mine and dh's.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 22/01/2015 18:20

What a horrible invasion of privacy :(

You must feel utterly violated that something so private and personal is not only being repeated, but being criticised behind your back.

What she has done is appalling. It lacks all empathy and kindness. I am so very sorry she has behaved in this way. Please don't listen to her.

Good luck with it all. You need support now, not people who make life harder Flowers

cingolimama · 22/01/2015 18:22

Waiting, I'm furious on your behalf. This is totally outrageous behaviour and not what you need approaching a difficult procedure. To me, as other posters have said, this would be unforgiveable. You would be totally justified in removing this toxic bitch from your life.

I've been through IVF and know how incredibly stressful it is. I also completely understand the need for privacy.

Flowers
clam · 22/01/2015 18:23

This is appalling! And to compound the insult, instead of apologising for snooping and betraying your privacy to others, she's making excuses for her behaviour and implying you're in the wrong, by "lying" and "wasting money?"

Unbelievable!

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2015 18:24

Just as a slight aside, and I'm not suggesting for a moment that you should talk to people IRL, but are you and DH getting any support? The fertility board on here is fab, but there is also Fertility Friends. Some units have patient support groups. It doesn't matter where you get support as long as, if you need it, you have access to it x

Meerka · 22/01/2015 18:26

^I have secondary infertility, apparently this is why it is a waste of money according to dsis. To 'throw away' money when I should be content with what I have, to 'keep a secret' etc. she has really hurt me with her harsh words.
I know she is also annoyed as wanted to borrow money, and yes, at the time I lied. I said we had no spare money to lend which she obviously knows to be a lie now.^

How dare she?

You have every right in all the world to be ragingly angry as well as upset.

I'd be not speaking to her for a very long time. To hell with the family fallout. ICF is a very personal, very private matter. To go through your stuff, to find it out, and then to spread it?

Sorry, she's a shit.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2015 18:28

Yes instead of apologising, and being sorry and trying to make it up to you, she is angry at you and making out your wrong. Nasty toxic individual.

paperlace · 22/01/2015 18:30

Just adding my support - it beggars belief that people like her exist.

Take away the 'sister' label and what have you got? Someone breathtakingly selfish, cruel and deeply untrustworthy. Do you want someone like that in your life?

I hope you are ok and I hope you get your longed for second child - I have a good feeling you will Thanks

Tinkerball · 22/01/2015 18:31

I'm guessing there are other issues in your relationship? This would be unforgivable for me.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 22/01/2015 18:35

Yes do let your DH tear her a new one. If it were my sister he'd have to bloody wait in line !

She had behaved outrageously and is being what I would call an entitled bitch. What you spend your money on is your business. Even if you choose to spend it on collecting rubber ducks or something it would still be feck all to do with her.

That's before we even consider how vile she has been about snooping and gossiping.

WitchWay · 22/01/2015 18:35

Even if the letter had been openly lying around & she'd seen it, she ought to have had the common decency to respect your privacy.

What a mardy bitch Angry

Leeds2 · 22/01/2015 18:35

I'm so sorry this has happened, OP. It is absolutely unforgivable.

I think I would have to go no contact with her, if I'm honest. She would certainly not be welcome in my home ever again.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/01/2015 18:38

Appalling behaviour from her. I hope there's a silver lining and that family who are now in the know are able to avoid putting their foot in it with you.

clam · 22/01/2015 18:38

And she's got the gall to say she felt "left out" because you didn't tell her? And now you've got your mum adding pressure by saying she's hurt too?

I'd be going no-contact with all of them for the time being. Refuse point-blank to discuss any of it with them in future.

Blueblueblueblue · 22/01/2015 18:40

You do know why she was poking through your mail don't you? she was looking for a bank statement.

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2015 18:40

Yy clam

"Feeling left out"?????!!!!????

Wtaf? It's not a fucking spectator sport Angry

chasingtherainbow · 22/01/2015 18:41

My jaw hurts from how fast it just hit the floor.

Fuck me. This is unforgivable. You poor thing OP. Your sisters behaviour is appalling.

Flowers
NiamhNext · 22/01/2015 18:42

I don't know if it helps at all, but very good friends of ours had a big family falling out like this (over another matter) at a similar stage in ivf investigation and throughout. It was very stressful but they got supportfrom people they could rely on...and they now have two lovely children. Successful (is that the word?) ivf is not dependent on external factors like extended family. I know a lot is said about minimising stress, but remember you are not the cause of all this and have done nothing wrong. (And you do need that money to cover costs that are not available on the NHS in your region.) You have good boundaries, too, OP. Completely understandable to be upset and your DH sounds wonderful and supportive.

I hope you keep your appointment and that it all goes well.

TheGonnagle · 22/01/2015 18:42

Another who is raging on your behalf. How dare she decide what you should and shouldn't spend your money on, and what size family you should be content with?
I hope your DH is home and comforting you. When he's finished, send him round to see her.
If I were you I'd be contacting the people she's told to explain that you don't wish to discuss, or hear that anyone else has been discussing, what your sister so nastily snooped for and divulged. Show her up for the malicious little bitch she is.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your forthcoming treatment. We've been there, and we have dd to show for it! It's tough but you'll do fine.