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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

312 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/01/2015 18:28

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery Grin
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

OP posts:
thesmallbear · 15/01/2015 18:33

It's only one weekend. The baby will be with it's dad, it's not like the mum's abandoning the child. I agree it's complete double standards. If it was the dad going away for the weekend nobody would bat an eye lid. Just a shame she's going away with such a shitty bunch of people really! Are they all being arsey?

My friend came to Ibiza with us (for four days) when her baby was four months. She didn't give a rats ass what anyone thought about it and we all supported her. The baby was with his very capable father and my friend deserved a break!

MarjorieMelon · 15/01/2015 18:37

I wouldn't judge. Dh was probably more capable than I was to be honest. However I have to admit that I wouldn't have wanted to go away overnight without my baby at that age and I wouldn't have enjoyed it. I'm definitely not an earth mother type either.

MarjorieMelon · 15/01/2015 18:41

Dh was due to go on a stag weekend when our eldest was 3 months old and he cancelled it and took the groom out for a drink on another night instead. A few eyebrows were raised and I think people thought that it was my decision but he just didn't want to be away from his family for a weekend. He hardly ever saw ds in the week because of his working hours and didn't want to go a whole week without seeing him. Everybody is different though.

theeternalstudent · 15/01/2015 18:42

yes I would secretly judge. Couldn't imagine wanting to leave my baby at that young age. I understand that they will be well looked after by their fathers, but still, I wouldn't of done it.

However, perhaps my judgement is clouded by the fact that a weekend away for 'debauchery' sounds like hell to me.

LittleBairn · 15/01/2015 18:43

I would judge in private. It seems your friend had a private convo with you not your friend so I can't really see the problem.

Mammanat222 · 15/01/2015 18:44

I wouldn't have left my pfb out of choice at that young age (if you are bf'ing you can't leave them anyway) but my OH is amazing and I'd have no reservations about his ability to look after our child.

Due second any day now and again cannot foresee me wanting to leave baby at a very young age.

Is baby here yet? Mum may feel differently if she hasn't had baby yet.... or she may be desperate for the break. Friends really shouldn't be judging her though.

thesmallbear · 15/01/2015 18:45

Those that would secretly judge... would you be judging if it was the dad going away for the weekend?

fiorentina · 15/01/2015 18:47

What's to judge? I went on a hen do when my son was 8 weeks. My partner coped fine and I had fun. Up to individuals to make up their own mind what they are happy with.

calmexterior · 15/01/2015 18:49

If she's fine with it, he's fine with it and she's not breastfeeding, what is the problem? YANBU

theeternalstudent · 15/01/2015 18:52

Yes I would judge a man that left a baby at that young age.

However, I do think it is different for a mum and I consider myself a feminist. Babies are conceived within our bodies, they grow and are eventually born from our bodies. We then go on to feed them, again from our bodies. Something that a man cannot do. I've also read that that following birth the following 3 months are considered the 'fourth trimester'. It's also a time when a baby hasn't yet learned that it's a separate entity from it's mother.

I wait to be called a mummy martyr or some other insult.

mamapain · 15/01/2015 18:52

Lots of people seem to not cope with someone doing something they wouldn't want to do as if its a kind of affront to them. I suppose it means that their way may not be the best or right.

Personally I would have been thrilled to get away at that age, I've never been precious about that sort of thing, and by 2 months I'd be desperate for a break, plus looking forward to it would get me through the baby stage.

Babies don't have any real need to be with their mother at that point or any point really, a suitable caregiver can always do an equally good job, perhaps in a different way, because I don't imagine the dad is going to be breastfeeding but the level of care won't diminish at all.

You always get people who say their child won't settle with anyone else or only mummy can feed or bath the baby in a particular way but generally this is nonsense and comes from a self-importance needed to make the parent feel secure not the child.

littleducks · 15/01/2015 18:54

I would be wondering if she would pull out at the last minute. You feel very differently when baby is tiny and a few months in, the sleep deprivation had built up etc. As newborns mine were easy just ate and slept. When still tiny but alert more they became more demanding.

DurhamDurham · 15/01/2015 18:57

Me and husband went to Portugal when our first dd was 4 months old, we had a great time. She was looked after to perfection by my mum who claimed to love every minute of it. We missed her so much but really enjoyed our break. She's 21 now and has suffered no lasting damage Grin

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 15/01/2015 19:01

Not something I would have done either and still wouldn't. A night out yes but a break/holiday I couldn't imagine without DS.

I would judge in private as never understand leaving a child for a holiday and not including them.

Discobugsacha · 15/01/2015 19:02

She will get very engorged won't she, if she goes for a whole weekend?
I would judge too, in private. There is no way I would have been able to leave my babies when they were that little.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 15/01/2015 19:06

The baby is already here, she's an amazing mother and absolutely loves him. I'm shocked so many would "secretly judge" just because they wouldn't personally do it. I would have with DD, in fact two of my best friends brought me for a night away to a spa when she was about the same age and it was such a non issue I didn't even remember until writing this!

I understand some can't bear to be away from their baby but I don't judge them although I don't feel the same way myself. It certainly doesn't measure the love you have for your child. I've had many weekends away without DD, who's now 3 and the only "rule" I have for myself is that I want her to experience as many weekends away, trips, experiences etc so I would only go away if I knew I could still afford to do things like that with her too.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 15/01/2015 19:07

I couldn't, and wouldn't, have left my baby at that age.

But I wouldn't judge someone else for choosing to do so, either up front or in private. It is the parents' decision.

thesmallbear · 15/01/2015 19:08

I'm judging the people who judge!

SorchaN · 15/01/2015 19:08

When my first child was born, her father had much more experience with babies than I had. I went away for a few days when she was nine months old and I got a lot of questions about leaving her. Apparently there are still plenty of people who think that men aren't capable of looking after their own children!

Nishky · 15/01/2015 19:14

So am I smallbear

BlairWaldorfHeadBand · 15/01/2015 19:14

Good for your friend! No way I would judge a mum for doing that, dad is just as much of a parent as she is so for me it's a non issue.
I remember I had one night out, well not even a night out as I was home by midnight, when my baby was 8 weeks old and honestly you'd have thought I had abandoned her to the wolves by the way some people acted!

Hope your friend has fun

Scotslasslivinginfrance · 15/01/2015 19:18

I think it's perfectly reasonable and acceptable for her to go away for the weekend and I'm sure daddy will relish the opportunity to be home alone with baby ;-)

I disagree with mamman it is possible to breast feed and leave your baby for a period of time and return to breast feeding later.

GraysAnalogy · 15/01/2015 19:20

I cant believe anyone would judge. Arseholes.

GraysAnalogy · 15/01/2015 19:23

snow not sure if you noticed but it's a 'girls' holiday away. Why shouldn't adults be able to have a weekend away? The kids don't have to be kept in tow all the time.

WD41 · 15/01/2015 19:24

I would privately judge. Agree with pp who mentioned the fourth trimester, it's way too early for a baby to be separated from its mother.

I would judge a father leaving his family at that age to go on a jolly too.