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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

312 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/01/2015 18:28

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 16/01/2015 12:16

I think every case is different, emotions and hormones everywhere in the very early, differing personalities and backgrounds that shape our behaviours and thoughts etc. There's no right or wrong it's not that black and white, it's just a case of what works for one person (family) doesn't work with another.

When I had DS my PIL came round when he was three weeks old and asked if they could take him for a walk and I went into meltdown, I was so upset at the thought of it. Needless to say, I said no. Looking back I would love to say it was the hormones but in reality I would probably say the same thing again if I had DC2

squoosh · 16/01/2015 12:20

'Judging other mothers for leaving their babies with completely capable, competent and loving adults is completely ridiculous. You need to get a grip.'

Especially as in the OP's friend's case the 'capable, competent, loving' adult is the child's father!

I hope you enjoy your baby free night and start to feel better soon.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 16/01/2015 12:24

I happily left mine with his dad overnight at 9 weeks and went to a friend's party several hours away (obviously I wasn't bf). I did get a bit sad towards the end of the night and miss him a little, but it was lovely to be out with friends and remember who I was again, briefly.

I'd be a bit surprised at your friend as many mums don't seem to want to leave their baby at all at that age, but I don't think I'd judge.

LRB978 · 16/01/2015 12:33

Similar to tricyclegirl I was unable to spend the night with my son for 5 weeks, and there were a few times during those 5 weeks when I didn't see him for 40 odd hours (12 yrs on I cant remember how often, or how long for). We are extremely close, with a very strong bond, always have been. Judge away. Except many won't, because it's 'different'.

Whatafunnyninkynonk · 16/01/2015 13:24

Another one here who couldn't be with her ds 'full time' when he was born. Because he was in scbu unexpectedly and very traumatically fighting quite the battle for a week. This fourth trimester and bonding claptrap is exactly what contributed to my sense of failure and anxiety at a really difficult time. Fortunately I now realise it made not a jot of difference to my relationship with DS. Those of you peddling such vile statements, I really hope you're engaging your brains before saying anything of the sort to new mums in RL

mmgirish · 16/01/2015 13:52

4th trimester! Never heard of it. I went back to full time work when my baby was 9 weeks old. I work 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. He was absolutely fine without me! I did the same with my older son who is a very well adjusted 3 year old...

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 14:10

I would judge I'm afraid. I couldn't imagine a mother wanting to be away from such a young baby.
I would never voice my thoughts however.

Jackieharris · 16/01/2015 14:15

Maybe if so many women weren't gulit tripped into feeling inadequate if they don't want to spend 24/7 with their baby for the first 6 months of their life we wouldn't have such an epidemic of postnatal depression.

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 14:19

What a strange thing to say jackie- you really think PND is the result of women wanting to leave their babies but feel guilty about doing so?
What a strange view.

Jackieharris · 16/01/2015 14:23

That is totally twisting what I said. PND is more prevalent in cultures which expect the mum to spend most of her time alone, one to one with her baby. Psychologically that isn't healthy. In cultures where childcare is more shared pnd rates are much lower.

Laquila · 16/01/2015 14:32

To the judgers: at what age do you consider it OK for a baby to be left with its father/grandparent overnight alone? Just out of interest.

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 14:42

jackie- I don't disagree that parenting in a nuclear family is more challenging due to parentar isolation and other factors. However the baby has no awareness of the type of culture he is existing in, and most of us can cope without suffering PND.

From the OPs post though this is not a case of helping a mother avoid PND this is a case of " escape for a weekend of debauchery".

I think you are being quite patronising to women who actually suffer from PND

Jackieharris · 16/01/2015 15:00

"Most of us can cope without suffering pnd"- what a judgy thing to say! 10s of thousands of new mums in the uk each year get pnd. They aren't failures as you imply but people who society forces into an unnaturally isolated environment. A few weekends of socialising with friends may be just the respite and social contact these women need. Prevention is better than cure.

As someone who's had pnd I think you should stop lecturing on something you don't understand and find better things to do with your time than belittle women for omg wanting some enjoyment in life once in a while!

PrincessOfChina · 16/01/2015 15:17

I left DD at 11 weeks for 3 nights for a hen weekend. I will also leave DS (due in 10 weeks) at a similar age for a hen weekend with the same group of friends. Among the group this time will be a heavily pregnant (37 weeks ish) lady, me with a 3 month old, the bride with a 5 month old, two bridesmaids both with babies under six months. Every last one of us has one or more children under the age of five.

Any of us would be happy to answer questions from those who don't understand, who judge us or who are just curious as to why we would want to spend time with our friends in a fun city.

Saki5000 · 16/01/2015 15:19

People aren't "guilt tripped" into feeling inadequate because most people wouldn't express their opinion on this in real life as obviously it's none of their business. This is a debate forum though where people should be able to express their thoughts/opinions on an issue.

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 15:32

jackie you are being patronising to suggest that PND can be prevented or resolved by "A few weekends of socialising with friends". "prevention is better than cure" Are you a psychologist?

I belittle no-one. I would never openly criticise a friend who felt she wanted to leave a tiny baby for a weekend of "debauchery".

But I know enough to know that debauchery may not be the answer to PND.

squoosh · 16/01/2015 15:35

'I would never openly criticise a friend who felt she wanted to leave a tiny baby for a weekend of "debauchery".'

Do you think your tone or demeanour would give an indication of your disapproval?

Gen35 · 16/01/2015 15:35

I'd do it in a flash, dc2 is 3 months, unfortunately DH couldn't cope for more than 2 hours as dc2 won't take a bottle unless starving. I think you should pull the judgy friends into line or its going to be ruined if they can't keep their disapproval to themselves.

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 15:41

sqoosh- what tone would that be?

squoosh · 16/01/2015 15:46

The tone you speak to the hypothetical friend in obviously. You say you wouldn't 'openly criticise' a friend who chose to go away for a weekend without her baby. I'm asking if your non verbal behaviour would indicate your disapproval. A raise of the eyebrows, an unenthusiastic 'have a good time' etc.

DilysMoon · 16/01/2015 15:50

I couldn't and wouldn't leave such a young baby. I don't judge though each to their own and all that but I've never wanted to be away from my babies for any length of time so find it hard to comprehend. Toddlers on the other hand. . . .

motherinferior · 16/01/2015 16:09

Actually, there's a lot of good evidence that having a good friendship network and spending time with friends is a very important part of good mental health.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 16/01/2015 16:14

updates spreadsheet

mytimewillcome · 16/01/2015 16:28

After the thread about the 12 day old baby going on holiday with its Granny I am beginning to think 10 weeks is almost a toddler! However I didn't do it. It seems I'm a 'martyr mummy' I never thought me wanting to keep my children close was a negative. It seems on mumsnet it is. Each to their own. We all parent differently.

squoosh · 16/01/2015 16:31

That was so passive aggressive mytime. I've never noticed Mumsnet being in unified agreement over anything, don't know why people refer to it as a single entity.

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