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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

312 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/01/2015 18:28

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery Grin
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

OP posts:
NickyEds · 18/01/2015 10:27

a strong support network who regularly handle and mind your baby and have a strong attachment to them, going away for a weekend is not really a big deal.
Yes to this. I have only ever left ds with my sister (and his dad obviously). She loves him like he's her own, just like I do with her children. I was honoured to be allowed to take care of them when they were little (they're teenagers and MASSIVE nowSmile). I think I feel a much closer bond with my niblings (and they with me) than I would without this and I would love ds and my sister to have the same bond.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/01/2015 10:34

When DS was about two months old I left him with PIL who live on the same street, about twenty houses away, and I was in tears over it. I only left him there for an hour whilst me and DH tried to get our house in some kind of order but I found it very, very difficult.

I had a lot of guilt issues from birth about 'abandoning' DS (too long to go in to) which I know played it's part in my heightened emotional state about being separated from him.

Now DS is older (10m) I'm much happier about leaving him with others.

My dad was the first person I left him with, when he had just turned 6m old and even though it was only for three hours I still felt very apprehensive.

I happily leave DS with my mom or my dad (they are divorced), my sister and my best friend. They are the only ones I think that DS would feel comfortable with and the only ones who I think 'know and love' DS in a way that I know he'd be looked after just as well with them as he would be if he were with me or DH.

Chunderella · 18/01/2015 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickyEds · 18/01/2015 10:43

Chunderella- I'm a SAHM so not returning to work, maybe that's why some time away at weekends etc is so vital to me but it can also make it worse as I'm totally happy to leave ds with oh or my sister , for over nights/weekends even(though haven't yet) but no one else in the world. For DP he enjoys our evenings together/odd nights away but he hates to be away from ds normally.

LittleBearPad · 18/01/2015 10:50

Very good point Chunderella about work.

I went away for the weekend when DD was 11 months old leaving her with DH. I felt bad in the taxi on the way to the airport, by the time I was eating dinner in peace with a glass of wine at the airport I felt fine. Grin

Writerwannabe83 · 18/01/2015 10:54

When I start back at work, my shifts mean that for two days a week I won't see DS for 24 hours Hmm

I'm absolutely dreading it.

I will be fine once I've gotten used to it though and I'm pretty sure we shall both survive especially him Grin

chocolatescones · 18/01/2015 10:57

I think it would be tough on either parent being alone with a 10 week old so AS LONG AS they're happy to be left then it's fine! I personally wouldn't have done that, I never wanted to leave my DD (and still don't...) but wouldn't want people judging me for that so I shouldn't judge the other way...

Theboodythatrocked · 18/01/2015 11:02

Well we are booking our first ever weekend away from our kids.

I hope they will cope being 24,23,15,14.. Grin

I wouldn't judge her at all. Good on her. People judged us all the time for not leaving ours though.

Each to own. Smile

HarlotOTara · 18/01/2015 11:04

Everyone judges everyone, we all make judgements every day, mumsnet is incredibly judgemental, even those who say they don't are actually judging those who do by the comments they make. What on earth does it matter if a mother is leaving her baby with his father? I am sure they will all be fine and will all benefit from the break. I am judging now (if that is the right word), but is there an element of envy from those who are judging here?

Writerwannabe83 · 18/01/2015 11:05

Envious about what?

HarlotOTara · 18/01/2015 11:07

The ability to do go away

Writerwannabe83 · 18/01/2015 11:15

But the point is we don't want to go away.

Speaking for myself, I would only feel envious if I wanted to go away but felt like I couldn't out of a sense of duty. I would only feel envious if I wanted to go away but something or someone was stopping me. But I don't want to go away, I want to be with my baby.

I appreciate this might not be the case for all the 'non leaving mothers' on this thread though.

creambun2014 · 18/01/2015 11:20

You said at this age it sounds heavenly to be away. I am interested to know what you feel stops you?

LittleBearPad · 18/01/2015 11:28

I think at that age it would have been hard for me and a good part of it would have been down to duty but that's because I had PND. Speaking honestly I think i would gave been envious, just as I was envious of the mothers who seemed enraptured with their babies at that time. Happily with the second one I seem to have escaped the pnd.

bigbluestars · 18/01/2015 11:37

Envious? I am another who chooses not to go away. I prefer to be with my babies.

mytimewillcome · 18/01/2015 11:56

Yep. Not envious either. I choose to stay with my babies. I have options but I choose not to take them.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 18/01/2015 12:18

bigblue people on both sides of this discussion have given concise arguments, answered questions and engaged in conversation on this thread.

You have ignored many questions directed to you, completely ignored fair arguments and point of views by others. Choosing only to pop back every so often with passive aggressive senseless remarks.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 18/01/2015 12:35

creambun - lack of money stops me Grin Grin

ispentitwithyou · 18/01/2015 13:21

Can i just stress that it is not that my dh could not wash bottles,dress my dd etc as a pp has interpreted, it is because i was and am ridiculously anal about those things to the point that family and friends laughed at me. No reflection on dhs ability at all,he is just able to be less precious about that stuff,which means we compliment each other and he helps calm me down and see that sometimes i am being ottGrin as dd gets older i feel myself naturally calming down and relinquishing responsibility to both dh and grandparents much more easily.

duplodon · 18/01/2015 15:12

You mightn't have wanted to do it, Chunderella, but it is unlikely that in the event of an emergency you would have felt entirely unable to, which I think many parents who don't have close kinship ties feel. I didn't leave My first or second at all until after they were two years old and I would probably find a full weekend too much now with a nine month old. My point was that where there's an appropriate alternative attachment relationship and feeding is possible for those taking care of the baby, it's not that big a deal to the baby, it's more to do with the choice and preference of the parents. That's not to say the baby won't notice and miss the parents, just that it isn't that big a deal. It's very different to leaving a baby with people they don't have a solid attachment with.

Chunderella · 18/01/2015 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duplodon · 18/01/2015 15:35

So in that case, it comes down to what people choose to do, their preferences. I am just not sure what the basis for judgement is in some posts. It wouldn't have been for me with a baby of two and a half months, but I can't see there's anything wrong with having different preferences or making different choices. Yes, we all judge, every second we judge things even unconsciously , but we all have choices about whether we buy into the idea our judgements are correct and worthy of defence or just random mindless judgements. I am finding it hard to find a logical argument here against it other than 'that's not what I would do'.

Chunderella · 18/01/2015 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2015 16:12

I had to go somewhere for a day when DD was about 15 months old and while they had lots of fun DH forgot to feed her. At all. All day. You can imagine the state she was in by the time I got home!

I would not have risked upsetting either baby or breastfeeding for a weekend away when she was 10 weeks old for love nor money. At that age being a selfish parent does nothing for baby.

Even now I wouldn't be happy leaving DD elsewhere for more than 1 night, whether with her dad or not.

squoosh · 18/01/2015 16:16

Disappointed 'selfish parents' are the least of your worries. Dimwitted parents whop forget to feed their child on the other hand.......

How exactly does someone forget to feed a 15 month old? Seriously.