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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

312 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/01/2015 18:28

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

OP posts:

BeanCalledPickle · 15/01/2015 21:42

I'm not judging. I am however jealous!

WanderingTrolley1 · 15/01/2015 21:46

It's a weekend, FGS!

I wouldn't judge. I'd think "good for her!"

paintedfences · 15/01/2015 21:54

I judge people who don't use 'the' in front of 'baby' or 'mum'. It's THE baby, not baby. It's THE mum, not 'mum'. Arrrrrgh.

Patsyandeddie · 15/01/2015 22:05

As long as the child is fed and changed he/she won't give a toss who does it, go away and enjoy yourself!

ApocalypseThen · 15/01/2015 22:09

that feeling was so strong that it makes it a bit difficult to believe that anyone could feel differently.

The phrase that illustrates where most of the intolerance in the world comes from.

CuttingOutTheCrap · 15/01/2015 22:11

I don't think I could leave DD (12 weeks) for a whole weekend just yet but that's just me - I know if I did (and expressed enough milk for her!) she would be absolutely fine with DH.

If a mum wants to have a weekend away and leave dc with a loving father, I don't see that as any reflection whatsoever on her or her relationship with her dc. Would these friends judge the father in the same way for having a weekend away leaving the baby with its mum? I suspect not!

squoosh · 15/01/2015 22:14

I hope she has a bloody marvellous time!

Some of the pursed lip disapproval on here is tedious.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/01/2015 22:16

I would leave a little one at home with dad for a night or two. My son is 12 weeks and frankly id race out the door if someone offered a trip away this weekend

I wouldnt judge her. I also wouldnt judge a woman who didnt want or couldnt (due to bfing or whatever) - each to their own.

What I do judge is the couples where the woman cant have a night or two away because the baby's own father refuses to be left in sole charge. Fuckwits I would call these men, and I would wonder why these women stay with them.

grocklebox · 15/01/2015 22:21

couldn't give a shiny shit what other people do with their own babies. If I were her I'd be rethinking going anywhere with the judgy twats.

APocketfulOfSpondulix · 15/01/2015 22:26

It never fails to bemuse me the amount of judgment that goes on at other people's parenting choices. Unless there is genuine neglect or mistreatment surely it's difficult to get worked up about how someone spends their weekend?

Chunderella · 16/01/2015 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverbangles66 · 16/01/2015 08:13

I pity the judgers for such unenlightened Victoriana.

Thank god when my children were small, I knew women who had jobs, family emergencies, capable support and a perfectly normal desire for some time alone.

We all made the effort to keep our horizons broad. And sometimes that meant leaving the baby with someone.

I judge you for being a bit unsophisticated. Your babies might even thrive. Ours were fine, relax.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/01/2015 08:42

I don't see much judging of mothers who would leave the baby. Some posters are saying they wouldn't do it, but that's not judging, it's just saying what they would do in similar situations.

In fact most of the women who have said they wouldn't leave their baby also said they don't judge those who do.

The only possible judgemental comments are those who have liken about bonding issues, but that's only 1-2 posters isn't it? Certainly not the majority.

Having a different opinion on something is not judging.

If the mothers who wouldn't leave their baby are "judging" those who won't just because it's the opposite to that they're doing, then surely in the same line of thinking it means the women who would leave their babies are judging those who don't?

In fact there have been some not very nice comments towards the mothers who wouldn't leave their babies, I.e they are precious, clingy, have no social lives, are martyrs or whatever.

It generally all seems quite unpleasant and turning into some sort of "Them versus us" thread in terms of what group makes the 'better mother'.

It's like reading a FF versus BF thread.

skylark2 · 16/01/2015 08:44

If the majority of your group thinks it's wrong for her to leave her baby so soon, what a bizarre choice of dates for your weekend away. Why don't you arrange it for a couple of months later? Do they not actually like her and did it because they assumed she then wouldn't come?

BitOutOfPractice · 16/01/2015 08:47

Isn't MN odd? Only this week an OP got flamed for sying she judged someone for letting their mother take their 9 day old baby away for weekend in a caravan.

Now apparently it's OK to judge

Chunderella · 16/01/2015 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/01/2015 09:03

I could read back and give examples of judgemental comments towards the 'non-leaving mothers' but I won't.

I didn't say one side is more judgemental than the other because that isn't the case. The judgemental comments go both ways.

That's how I perceive it anyway.

But I guess AIBU is about judgements on people's questions and scenarios therefore my point is pretty pointless anyway

AtlanticDrift · 16/01/2015 09:06

The level of people's judgyness probably depends on their own personal experiences. In our house there is no extra emphasis placed on the 'mummy' role more than the 'daddy' role. Dh and I are completely equal in our parenting and he is a very capable person. I have left my dc as very young babies and left all 5 of them for a week with dh. No bother to him. I do know other people are not as lucky and their dh are a bit hopeless when it comes to the practicalities of parenting. (Although I suspect some of this is hammed up to get out of it ) It does amaze me the amount of people who still think women should be shackled to their dc 24-7

Chunderella · 16/01/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 16/01/2015 09:15

I wouldn't judge. She's not leaving the baby for a week to sit on a beach sipping cocktails. It's a weekend away which will be rare!

kittensinmydinner · 16/01/2015 09:29

I think that those who can't imagine leaving babies for a weekend because baby might be stressed are more likely worried that baby may be just as happy with anyone who loves and cares for them, making mummy not quite as important in there lives as they like to think. After all, sadly mums die and/or leave on occasion, this doesn't mean the resulting children grow up to be 'disturbed'. Each to there own but much more to do with mothers desires than baby's fundamental needs.

LaLyra · 16/01/2015 09:31

I think it's just another example of when a mother can't do right for doing wrong. I got grief because I didn't let DD1 stay with anyone until she was 1, but also got grief (from some of the same people) when DS1 stayed with MIL as a tiny (non sleeping baby & D+V bug meant he got palmed off overnight at 3 weeks). The bonding comments are offensive imo, some of actually found a break a huge help in bonding.

I judge the judgers. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

Goldmandra · 16/01/2015 09:37

I wouldn't judge but I would find it hard to comprehend, primarily because I couldn't bear to be away from mine for a few minutes at that age.

It's hard to imagine someone else not having that intense drive to be with their child 24/7 when yours has been so intense and overwhelming.

I have, however, looked after other people's babies when very tiny and had my godson overnight at two weeks of age. It wasn't wrong. It was just different.

Lucyccfc · 16/01/2015 09:51

You can have an intense drive to be with your baby/child 24/7, but still be able to leave them for a short length of time or even a weekend.

I went to Denmark for a weekend when my DS was 3 months old and he was very well looked after by his Dad. I didn't get judged at all, but maybe that was because I had gone to a football match and most of the people I was with were men. So less judgy - the general opinion was 'That it was great that I could have a weekend away' and 'How brilliant for DS's Dad that he gets to have him all to himself for the weekend'.

I have gone away 2 or 3 times a year over the last 9 years for a couple of days and DS has been fine and it doesn't mean I love him any less or didn't bond with him. It is sometimes a much needed break. He is at an age now, where he can also come with me during school holidays.

It's only ever a small amount of 'women' that judge me - never my male friends. My usual response to being criticized by another woman for 'leaving' my DS is 'Oh what a shame you don't get the chance to do your own thing and be your own person once in a while'. Soon shuts the judgy ones up.

likeaboss · 16/01/2015 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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