Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 04/12/2014 13:45

My mum and DPs dad do generally spend more on their own child for Christmas but I don't mind. In fact DP's dad doesn't even get me a birthday present! Although my mum does get DP something small.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 04/12/2014 13:47

I would never expect my MIL to treat me like she did her own children.

What an absurd idea.

The same as I know that if the building was on fire I'd save dd first and then dp.

Any mother would do that.

There is also a world of difference between what you say in your title and what you say in your last sentence. Of course they should be treated as a member of the family, but show me any MIL who treats her DIL/SIL the same as she treats her own child and I'll show you a liar (or some weirdy mother who is trying to get one over on her own child)

SaucyJack · 04/12/2014 13:47

No of course not. How weird.

My MIL didn't even meet me until she was 64. Why on Earth would she treat me like one of her own children?

HazleNutt · 04/12/2014 13:48

No - and I don't treat MIL, nice as she is, like my mum either.

Purplepixiedust · 04/12/2014 13:48

In my relationships it has seemed normal for parents to spend more on own child than on their son or daughter in law.

Mammanat222 · 04/12/2014 13:49

My MIL has known me for 7 years, and not all that w ell for most of it.

She has known my OH for 34 years?

(although granted she is very warm and welcoming and generous with me)

londonrach · 04/12/2014 13:49

Of course not. Very strange idea and ive got a lovely pil. My dh is their son of course the spend more on him and its the same for my patents..

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 13:49

No.

I like DS's GF, she nice, but she's not mine. Of course I wouldn't treat her like I do DS.

She could be a permanent feature, or she could be gone tomorrow.

I do buy her presents, but they are not at the same level as I get my own kids.

TimelyNameChangey · 04/12/2014 13:50

My MIL does and my Mum does too. My MIL calls DH and I "The kids" Grin I'm 42 but I like it!

Scholes34 · 04/12/2014 13:50

I wouldn't consider that my PILs spend less on me, just that they might spend more on DH.

DoJo · 04/12/2014 13:50

I don't think there can ever be one rule which suits all - some families will revert to 'couples' presents when their children marry, whereas some will add a gift for a partner, but still spend the lion's share on their own child.

For some families, there is a significant difference in the incomes of the respective in-laws, so some will want to spend the money they do have on their child, knowing that their partner will get a lot from their own family.

I don't think anyone should dictate the kinds of presents that others give (or that they receive) but if a marked difference leaves ill-feeling then it should be avoided where possible.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 13:51

I suppose it depends on the family and the relationship.

My parents treat DH/DBil as their own (really good relationship) but DH and I are treated as second/third class citizens respectively when it comes to DH's brother.

Doesn't particularly bother me tbh - makes no difference to what we get them for Christmas / birthdays (I tend to go a bit OTT in my excitement Blush )

MrsBungle · 04/12/2014 13:51

My mil always buys more for dh at Christmas, I've always just assumed that's normal. She's still v generous with me too.

shakemysilliesout · 04/12/2014 13:52

My parents get me a better Xmas gift than they get Dh and his parents do the same and it's fine. I don't expect to be treated the same as dhs sister when I'm at in laws. I only expect that all grand kids are treated equally - and of course they are.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 13:52

my poor DM had so many new husbands/wives/gf and bf through the door and she managed to be welcoming and warm to all of them Confused but generally she was a warm, welcoming, make space for anyone kind of person....

esp when that person is the new one, who doesnt know anyone else.....and is at the disadvantage....it can be done...

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 13:54

I dont think I will carefully budget out, 100 for dcs and 20 for partners! I will simply buy within over all budget what I think they will like.

Shesparkles · 04/12/2014 13:54

My parents always treated my dh and BIL as sons, but my late mil and my sister's MIL very much haven't!

tertle · 04/12/2014 13:56

My PILs are perfectly nice to me but they certainly do not treat me like I am their child. Nor do I treat them like they are my parents. At Christmas I get one present from PILs and DH gets loads. It's a bit awkward but I don't feel offended. I'd actually feel embarrassed if they spent loads of me.

What happens if there is a divorce? Are PILs then meant to keep on seeing their exSILs / exDILs like they were their own children…Hmm?

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 13:57

Yabvu to expect that. As long as both parties treat each other with respect and kindness, that's the main thing, unless one is toxic.

pictish · 04/12/2014 13:57

Yabu. I certainly don't expect my mil to bestow the same affectuion, money and time for me as she does her son. She did not give birth to me. She is not my mother. Nor did she choose me to come into her family...her son did.

I get on really well with my mil, and there is genuine affection thewre between us...but no...I am not her child.

What a preposterous idea!

whitesandstorm · 04/12/2014 13:57

My mil used to spend more on me than her son but then she wasnt normal. She didn't have normal maternal feelings towards her son.

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:57

Wow - I think that is so sad that most of you don't think it is strange.

Of course if there was a fire or something I like to think that they would save me first (although DH is probably a lot better at DIY than me!) but in terms of everyday life generally I think it is lovely they treat him the same.

I think it's awful to get more for your own child than your DIL/SIL!

OP posts:
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 13:57

I am divorced - does that mean I should queue up for my share of the in-laws will?

Grin
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 13:58

ex-in-laws

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 13:58

Just to respond to HazleNutt's comment - I don't treat my parents /ILs "the same" but when it comes to presents (largely my responsibility as it's one of my favourite things to do!) I keep them as equal as possible. They are still DH's parents and, just because I do most of the buying, I like to be consistent.

awaits flaming for being the present buyer