Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 13:59

Ok. DS has a long term GF. They are both at university. I am supporting DS (as is his dad), his GF family are supporting her.

To follow your logic, I should be supporting her as well as him? As should her family being supporting him and her?

That's just daft.

pictish · 04/12/2014 13:59

I think it's awful to get more for your own child than your DIL/SIL!

Do you? How odd!

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:02

frauhelgamissmaple of course it's different if it is a girlfriend but when it is a spouse or long term partner it's just not on.

All my family are the same - they would be mortified to hand over a pile of presents to their child and give a solitary present to their DIL/SIL

OP posts:
RiverTam · 04/12/2014 14:03

my PILs have 4 children of their own - they don't need to be forking out £££ on all their DILs/SIL as well! It would never occur to me that they should spend as much on me as they do on DH, or that my mum would on me. And DH is positively embarrassed if my mum buys him an expensive gift.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:04

She's a long term partner. 5 years plus.

That's the logic of what you're saying. And it makes no sense.

Unless you're saying only if they're married?

pictish · 04/12/2014 14:05

Ok...well each to their own and all that.

But be assured that us dils aren't offended by such a scenario at all. Doesn't bother us. Our own parents do the same for us.

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:05

It would make me feel really excluded I think!

In-Laws tend to get terrible gifts but at least me and DH both get the same terrible gifts!

OP posts:
ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:05

All my family are the same - they would be mortified to hand over a pile of presents to their child and give a solitary present to their DIL/SIL same here.

cluttercluttereverywhere · 04/12/2014 14:06

What rubbish OP. It's not the same as your own DC no matter how well you get on or how much you love your in laws.
My mother gives me a very decent cheque for Christmas, should she do the same for my husband as well then? My MIL will give him money should she want to, I wouldn't expect her to give me the same. You can certainly treat your inlaws as one of the family without going OTT about it.

(this is reminding me of a family debate row that I won't call my MIL "Mum" because she's not my mother. There is a difference - but it doesn't mean I don't like her!)

Chunderella · 04/12/2014 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:07

What about time spent then? Sometimes I like to spend time just with my kids, and I take them out to dinner.

Given that she is a long term partner/gf should I be inviting her every time?

I currently don't. I like to do stuff just with my kids, especially since I divorced, as it helps with the relationships between us all, I think, given that the DSs are older than DD.

WipsGlitter · 04/12/2014 14:07

But I don't really have a 'relationship' with my FiL, he doesn't really know much about me even though DP and I have been together for 10 years! He would struggle to get me a present. He gives his own children and their partners M&S vouchers, the amounts vary - between years and between children and in-law children! He is very generous though so it's at least £150 for me, more for DP!

My mum loves me a lot more that she loves DP so I guess it's her way of showing me she loves me. She's fond of him!!

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:08

I don't think how we behave is "rubbish" Hmm it's how we choose to behave.

My gran give out cheques for the same amount each year for her 2 children and their partners and the grandchildren and their partners. I think it's lovely and it feels really nice to know my family welcome my DH as their own.

OP posts:
SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 04/12/2014 14:08

My parents always spent loads more on me than DH and his parents did the same.

We spend a lot more on out DSs than on their girlfriends and their girlfriends' parents do the same.

Weird not to spend more on your DCs than their partners. I can't think of anyone I know who would spend equally.

pictish · 04/12/2014 14:08

I'd never call my mil 'mum', so don't blame you there.
My mil wouldn't ask it though - perish the thought!

Dh gets a handsome cheque from his mum at Christmas, but she doesn't give one to me.
That bitch and her favourites. Think I'll go no contact.

Goingintohibernation · 04/12/2014 14:09

YABU. I get on very well with my PIL, but they are not my parents, and they don't have the same unconditional love for me that parents would have. They treat me as part of the family, but not the same as DH. I wouldn't expect them to.

cluttercluttereverywhere · 04/12/2014 14:10

All my family are the same - they would be mortified to hand over a pile of presents to their child and give a solitary present to their DIL/SIL

Actually, that's raised a fairly good point I was wondering about recently - DH's family have a budget of £10 per person for presents, but there are loads of them to buy for. There are only 3 in my family so we spend much more on each person. This year, both families are together, so I was going to keep back my parents presents for another time in case anyone felt bad on either side. Not sure what to do now!

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:10

*What about time spent then? Sometimes I like to spend time just with my kids, and I take them out to dinner.

Given that she is a long term partner/gf should I be inviting her every time?*

Well I would find it odd if my IL's were to invite my son to dinner or lunch out and not me!

OP posts:
DuploGiraffe · 04/12/2014 14:11

My PIL spend more on DH for birthday and Christmas than they do on me. I have never thought it unfair and they are lovely people and very generous with me. I would not expect them to treat me the same as SIL (their daughter). They always treat all grandchildren the same which is the most important thing for me.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:11

Frau thats fine, you dont of course have to take the 5 years + partner out to every dinner, of course you want to spend time with your own children, of course you want to see them alone.

on the other hand, your child has met someone they may share genes with, your genes, are you suddenly going to be wanting to be on the scene if that GC arrives?

Because just to warn you...your future DIl and mother to your grandchild might not be so keen after 5 years + of being held in the shadows and not welcomed by you, to then be accommodating to your every whim and want, when you suddenly become alot closer...

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:12

Really?

Oh well.

Grin looks like I'm odd then

clam · 04/12/2014 14:13

Are you talking about monetary value of gifts here? Because if so, I really couldn't tell you whether my parents spent the same/more/less. It's not an issue.
With regards to the relationship itself, which is surely more important, I wouldn't be in the least surprised to see a difference. Of course biological parents are going to have a closer relationship with their own child, however fond they might be of their sil/dil.

aermingers · 04/12/2014 14:13

I can't think of anything worse than my parents in law treating me like their own child. My late mother in law treated me like a friend rather than a child. My FIL is a lot more paternal towards me and will give me a telling off or instructions but still, he knows that there are lines he can't cross with me which he would with his own children.

I think that in some ways that leads to a case of swings and roundabouts where because you are perhaps treated a little differently in ways which are more convient (such as being treated with a bit more politeness and respect) then you also get treated slightly differently in ways which might be less convient or pleasant like less presents etc.

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:13

itsbeginingtolookalotlikechris

makes a good point! I wonder if all this treating DIL/SIL differently could be the cause of some of the many in law problems on here!

If your child has chosen to spend the rest of their lives with someone and that someone is the parent to your grandchildren too why would you not treat them the same!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2014 14:13

I'll add my voice to the majority saying your way is the more unusual. Indeed, I would be offended if my own mother treated my dh (whom she likes very much) with anywhere near the same amount of love she has for me.
And for me, my own children are my world, no one else could ever come close.