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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:13

It's not that she isn't welcomed - she is, very much. But we do a family dinner/lunch thing twice a year where it's just me and my kids - not my mum and dad, or any cousins, or aunts and uncles, just me and my kids.

No one has said they want to change that, it's been happening now for 7 years. If they want to change it, they can say so

Discopanda · 04/12/2014 14:15

I think it depends on your relationship with them. I used to have a great relationship with ex-MIL, she really looked after me, especially when I was having a tough time with my own mother.

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:15

clam not so much monetary value to the nearest pound but generally fairly equal so for example getting your DS an ipad whilst getting your DIL a bodyshop gift basked would seem very odd to me. Likewise it would be strange for ILs to say we are going on holiday and will pay for DS to come but DIL has to pay for herself

OP posts:

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:15

oh i see its just twice a year you exclude her, if so I am not sure why you are even commenting?

RunnerHasbeen · 04/12/2014 14:16

clutter That is my family set up too but everyone is nice and normal and doesn't get offended by things that easily. Assuming your ILs are not buying your parents a gift, then the only gifts your parents get are from the 3 people they gift to. Your ILs will get back what they receive, small gifts from lots of people - so it balances out.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 04/12/2014 14:16

You sound as though you value material quantities of presents quite a lot Op.
It never crosses my mind how much or little I spend on anyone. Things seem to be different in your family dynamic.

pictish · 04/12/2014 14:16

If your child has chosen to spend the rest of their lives with someone and that someone is the parent to your grandchildren too why would you not treat them the same!

Because the bond isn't the same!

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:16

I love my kids with all my heart and soul and I would move mountains and walk on hot coals for them in a heartbeat. I'd give them a kidney and lay my life down for them without a second thought.

I would never do that for a DIL, or a partner, or a GF.

Moneywise, DSs GF gets a gift at Christmas - a nice gift, a gift I've thought a lot about. She also gets a stocking, the same as them, if she's here on Christmas. DSs and DD get gifts to round about the same value but they also get money.

If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come.

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:16

I would be offended if my own mother treated my dh (whom she likes very much) with anywhere near the same amount of love she has for me.

To me that is so strange. Your DH is presumably the love of your life and someone you want to share the rest of your life with and have children with. So why on earth would you not want your mother to love him???

OP posts:

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:17

pictish I know you are not going to have that visceral bond but presuming a lack of fire saving incidents I think it is nice to generally treat them with the same care and love that you treat your children, paying the same for them and inviting them to the same ammount of things

OP posts:

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 14:18

There is more to including someone as part of the family than just present giving though. And I suppose it depends on whether or not there are extreme differences.

Eg if your other half was given £5k and you got something from the pound shop I might be a bit / meh about it, but at the end of the day - does it really matter?

Tbh it doesn't especially bother me being treated differently by ILs, but it would upset me if DH was treated dramatically differently by my folks. He does loads for them (think entire weekends helping with diy etc) and they do loads for us. He is treated as a son. Which is actually a lot better than he is treated by his own parents

Not sure what the point of this post is btw - just musing

Chunderella · 04/12/2014 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 04/12/2014 14:19

goodness, DH goes out to lunch with his mum and to the pub with his dad quite often - never knew I was meant to feel miffed about this? Do you not think your DH is allowed any one-to-one time with his own parents at all? I find that much much odder.

As to the pile of gifts vs one gift - aside from to the children, no adults in my/DH's family give piles of gifts to anyone so that's not an issue.

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:19

frauhelga

You sound quite antipathetic towards your son's DGF. What will you do if her and your DS marry and have children?

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:21

antipathetic?

No not at all - did you read where I said I buy her a gift to the same value as I buy my own children (just mine get money too) and make sure she has a christmas stocking filled with gifts the same as I do for my own?

I take my own kids out occasionally without anyone else (excluding her and all others, yes) and I would give my life for my kids but not for her. She has her own parents to do that.

If that is showing antipathy towards her, then meh.

RunnerHasbeen · 04/12/2014 14:22

As for the OP, my DH has a huge family and receives small gifts from aunts/uncles/grandparents/godparents etc. I wonder where the line should be drawn at treating me the same by all these people. Often I'm on the label, so it is ours but I don't really keep tabs.

I think what I find strangest is the distinction about what is DHs in your examples and what is yours. If DH got an iPad from my ILs, I would see it as them being very generous to us. There are very few things that wouldn't just be communal family things. I guess the element I do agree with you is how things are phrased - my family would say "we can cover half your costs" with regards to the holiday, not identify and name who they saw as the interloper. Similarly, if a gift to my DH was clearly and pointedly made out to be not mine, that would be upsetting (if they said "we put on a password so nobody else in the house can use it," that sort of thing).

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:23

If they marry and have children, I will continue as I am - I expect the family dinners will stop or she will be included as will grandchildren, but you know, it's NICE to see your parents as a family even as an adult, without kids or partners.

We did family photos at a wedding - one was my mum and dad with their children. And only their children. I expect that was antipathetic too.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2014 14:23

Because the relationship between a parent and a child should be something special, unique, unconditional.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2014 14:23

Their child, not a child.

shakemysilliesout · 04/12/2014 14:23

I have a question for the treat the same brigade- do u as a dil expect to be named in the In laws will? I don't- ill get what Dh inherits/ decides to share with me. Because the relationship with in laws is not the same as your own parents. Would any mils name their dil in a will? Curious as this is the end point of treat the same surely??

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:23

What will you do if her and your DS marry and have children?

Become classic mil material wanting to be at the birth, cut the cord, take the baby all the time, tell her dil where she is going wrong, offer to clean house and change it all round, buy everything for the baby, tell dil not to buy, expect to lord it over dil and tell her what to do....have a key to the house...and blame dil for her son not remembering birthdays and not wanting to spend that alone time with her anymore then moan about her dil when her dil says:

" No sorry darling MIL, you have your little family unit that you so protectively kept me out of...now this is my ickle family unit just me and my dh and my little son.....soz..your not in the family circle of trust...."

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:24

BTW - If DS wants to share the money with her and if they want to use it towards a communal item or whatever, then that's up to him.

But the gift goes to him, it's his to do with as he wishes.

RiverTam · 04/12/2014 14:24

Your DH is presumably the love of your life and someone you want to share the rest of your life with and have children with. So why on earth would you not want your mother to love him???

DH is my 2nd husband, so maybe my mum feels once bitten twice shy ? But anyway, just because I am the love of DH's life doesn't mean that his mum has to love or even like me, just be civil to me (though I think she does quite like me ).

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:26

Would any mils name their dil in a will?

depends...

I know many of my aunts where left jewellery and lovely things by MIL and also a friends mother was left large as in 100k worth of shares, expensive jewellery etc by PILS, as they loved her. Others, nothing....but then leaving your child money when they are married with family is usually going to the family pot...

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:27

Frauhelga - yep I find the "family" photos without your DIL/SIL quite odd and it must be hurtful to the excluded person too.

OP posts:

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