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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 04/12/2014 15:13

this has genuinely never occurred to me before

I don't think I know anyone who does it/has that sort of relationship with their ILs

it's a lovely idea though and am going to nick it for when I'm a MIL

-do feel free to remind me in 15 years time when I'm whining about SIL on gransnet

florentina1 · 04/12/2014 15:13

My MiL did this. My mother on the other hand would announce in a loud voice I am treating you all the same. We all got the same 3 for 2 crap, totally unsuitable stuff even for the children. One year she asked my if I wanted a particular cook book. I new this was a BOGOF in tesco and I knew my brother had asked for it. I said know thankyou so it was given to my 11 year old daughter instead.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 15:14

Oh and for the record. She bust her balls to be at a thing for DS2 2 weeks ago and made herself really really ill in the process. And he did something so special for her I can't even look at the photos without crying.

And in doing the something so special for her he chose her over me. He picked her. And guess what? That's fine with me too.

thegreylady · 04/12/2014 15:14

Oh gosh...I love spending time with my adult dc without their spouses occasionally though I do spend equal amounts on them at Christmas and birthdays. Sometimes my dd says ,"Lets have a mum and dd day" and we do lunch and shopping. Her dh and mine would be bored to tears! When I go to Turkey I rarely see ds without ddil and dgd but that is fine as the visit is concentrated and we all want to see one another. I think the world of the inlaws but they are not my children, they use my first name and I didn't change their nappies or soothe them to sleep. They are loved friends and I am grateful to them as they make my dc happy. I wouldn't take dc on holiday without other halves but the odd meal...oh yes :)

FluffyMcnuffy · 04/12/2014 15:14

I agree with Frau FWIW.

Personally my parents don't see it as "serious" until there's marriage involved and that's fine by me. After the marriage they pretty much treat as one of their own but until the ring is on that finger they are not considered "part of the family". Marriage is valued very highly in my family so I can see why my parents hold this view.

florentina1 · 04/12/2014 15:15

Re reading this she should have bought me a spellchecker instead. Oops.

Rainbunny · 04/12/2014 15:18

Well this thread, along with with few other threads recently, raises an issue at which I am a little shocked at people's sense of entitlement over - gifts. Nobody is owed a gift and nobody should compare a gift they have received with the size/amount of a gift to someone else. It's basic good manners, if someone gives you a gift just be grateful and say thank you ffs. If my inlaws gave me a pair of socks for Christmas while spending hundreds on my DH/SIL I would be happy and thankful for the socks.

thegreylady · 04/12/2014 15:19

Oh and I do stockings for all of them, dc and their spouses and my dgc; stepdc and their spouses and dgc and dh too. If you are one of mine Santa brings you a stocking. They get sweets, socks, pants and puzzles torches and pens and mugs and chocolate money. They also have a gift and a book. They are however, not my dc.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 15:21

it would never be a case of my mum saying she only wanted me to go.

same here but I get plenty of times to see dp without dh....i would be hurt if df didnt want my partner to come to a special meal.

i would think it odd.

wigglybeezer · 04/12/2014 15:23

I have to say both my parents and my ILs give exactly the same amount to their own children and their sons and daughters in law, I didn't realise it was so unusual. They are both very kind, generous couples though ( I am very lucky).

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 15:24

rain

its more the thought that is behind the gifts you describe really, its the giver not the recipient who is clearly showing how they feel.

My DP's were slap dash gift givers, they like me just buy what we think people will like, within what we can afford. Cost between me and my siblings has never in a million year occured to me....and I am very grateful when a gift is brought me.

HOweer my In laws are very calculating with their gifts, its coming from a very different place...if you got socks at my DP it would be because they think the socks are the one thing you will utterly love and need nothing else....

if you got socks at my in laws, thats saying very clearly we dont think much of you and this is all we got...

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 15:25

when DP go and buy gifts, they look for what we would each like, not calculating, right x for her, and only y for him...

OTheHugeManatee · 04/12/2014 15:25

YABU. MIL is nice but she's not my mum. As far as I'm aware she likes me but I'm not her DD. Surely as long as everyone is treating everyone with courtesy and kindness only the most batshit crazy insecure of MILs or DILs could find this strange or sad.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 15:33

I agree Manetee, you cannot expect your in laws to love you as they do their dc. If they do, that's great, if they don't no biggie. All I ask is that they treat me respectfully and kindly and get dcs equal presents for birthday and Christmas which they do.

slithytove · 04/12/2014 15:33

Really surprised by some of the views here.

I have both individual and group relationships with everyone in my life.

So sometimes I will see my whole birth family with my nuclear family. Sometimes without my nuclear family. Sometimes I will see siblings alone. Sometimes it's just me and my kids and my parents. Sometimes it's just me and my mum. Same for DH. I don't need or want to be part of all of his interactions with his birth family. We are all one big family with many separate relationships within it.

None of this upsets anyone.

needaholidaynow · 04/12/2014 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fudgalisious · 04/12/2014 15:42

My mum treats all of us equally, she has a budget for birthdays and Christmas and spends the same amount on me as she does dp and what ever she spends on us she spends equal on db and separately on sil.

WD41 · 04/12/2014 15:45

Yabu.

I didn't meet my MIL until she was in her late 60s! We get on but she's not my mum and I wouldn't expect her to feel the same about me as she does her own son

Ditto my parents...they are generous to DH at Xmas and birthdays but I do get more! Which is totally normal.

If people claim to feel the same about their in laws as they do their own family, I would question how close they are to their own family in the first place.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 04/12/2014 15:49

I spend time with DS's GFs without the DSs, shopping trips and the like. Sometimes I meet one or the other GF for coffee. I also spend time with just DS1 or DS2.

When my parents were living I enjoyed spending time with just my mum or just Mum and Dad and me.

I'd find it rather creepy if the GFs always expected to be there when I saw my DSs.

slithytove · 04/12/2014 15:55

I also see mil without DH in tow.
My parents don't even spend the same on his siblings let alone on in laws. It's according to 'need' a lot of the time.

JT05 · 04/12/2014 16:02

i treat my DILs and DSs exactly the same and enjoy treating them all to nice things and being there for them.

It is a shame they don't have the same thoughts towards me, not in material things, but in attitude.

Its nice to hear that not all DILs behave in the same way.

cheesecakemom · 04/12/2014 16:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CariadsDarling · 04/12/2014 16:16

In do try to treat them all the same because I love all of them but that said tomorrow Im having lunch with my daughters just because. Ive also met two of my boys today, separately, for a cuppa - but yesterday I was out with one of my DIL's. How things even out tends to just happen naturally but we are one family and I consider myself very lucky that such lovely and caring people are now part of my family.

StripedOss · 04/12/2014 16:16

i dont have any in-laws, my DH's dad passed away when he was young, and his mum died shortly before we married.

However, my mom treats him as one of the family, she'd do anything for him.. that doesn't chane our relationship though.. i spend loads of time with my mum without DH.. occasionally, me and my DB take mom out for dinner without our spouses too.

IF DH felt funny about that, i'd tell him to get over himself.

Stitchosaurus · 04/12/2014 16:28

I'm another in the minority who thinks it's really odd to not spend the same amount on children and their partners - my parents, inlaws and grandparents all do it. I will do it once DS has a partner too.

It's not about entitlement or being grabby for presents, it's about feeling welcome and part of the family. I do spend time with my family alone when DH is at work or if he doesn't want to come along, but he's invited to everything and vice versa - we're all family after all

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