To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

[bookbag40]

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

I don't really understand the comments about somehow providing grandchildren to ILs. What does that really mean? dh and I had children becasue we wanted them. We didn't provide them as some sort of benefit to our parents. In the years when we were separated my parents saw our children when they were with me and dh's dad saw them when he was with him. I am not some sort of gatekeeper of grandchildren, I think that is a really odd attitude.

Goodness. Family is meant to expand, that's how it keeps going! You, your kids, your sons- and daughters-in-law, perhaps their parents or siblings sometimes, the grandchildren. Family times should be inclusive of the people who have joined your family, imo., and presents should reflect this.

I think it's perfectly all right to want to spend time alone with just your adult children occasionally, no partners I would hate it if I never saw my parents by myself, I admit but you have to handle these arrangements very carefully, prioritizing the all-family gatherings over the our-actual-kids-only ones, so no one is hurt.

My mil is an Ivorian and only speaks Malinke. My fil speaks beautiful French (better than me!) They live in Abidjan. The trouble is they are completely in awe of me and see me as some superior being, simply because I'm white and come from England, that Paradise in the West. They're very, very old (although neither knows their age or d.o.b) and traditional Muslims. I've always curtsied to them in the traditional way and speak with great respect, not looking them in the eye (it's polite to look down) They're absolutely lovely and I admire them enormously, living as they do in utter poverty with dignity and courage. They are so strong. Of course I'm a total alien to them and have to accept that. But we all have a great love for eachother nonetheless. Africans are wonderful, they really are.

I would be a little if my future DIL had a problem with me spending time alone with DS. He is my child and always will be whereas she is just his partner.

With regards to gifts, they should be appreciated regardless and not expected. I'd likely not spend the same on them both and likewise I would expect her own parents would spend more in her.

With regards to gifts, they should be appreciated regardless and not expected. I'd likely not spend the same on them both and likewise I would expect her own parents would spend more in her.

Surely the gifts you receive are jointly from both your DS and DIL (she's probably the one who spent hours shopping and wrapping anyway) why would you spend less on DIL when she's an equal 'giver' ?

DS definitely buys my present. Because that's half the point of the Sunday lunch the first Sunday in December. They go and conflab and purchase my presents that day. Sometimes they all club together for a present, sometimes they buy different ones. It just depends.

GF gets me a separate small present (box of chocs/bunch of flowers) if she's here and if she is here then I do her a stocking, same as mine get.

But DS deffo buys my present.

Fluffy, who knows if my future DIL would have shopped for them or paid for them out of her own salary. It's a long way off yet and I'd still want to treat DS to nice extras even though when he's an adult.

He is my child and always will be whereas she is just his partner.

so she will be the person he lives with every day, sleeps with every night, goes through good times and bad with, cares for him when he's sick, cheers him when he's sad, cleans for him, cooks for him, has children with him, makes him happy and will [hopefully] still be with him when he dies... but she is ' just his partner?'

this thread is really fucked up

Surely the gifts you receive are jointly from both your DS and DIL (she's probably the one who spent hours shopping and wrapping anyway)*

Why would the DIL buy her husbands family all the joint gifts?

I don't buy the family gifts for DPs family. He knows them much better than I do! Likewise he doesn't buy the stuff for my family.

I buy all the presents, either out of my money or joint money.

If mil spent less on me than DH I would just appreciate the thoughtful gift regardless. As it is I have no idea what is spent.

I certainly don't think less of my parents for spending £100 on DH (more than his parents do) and £200 on me and siblings.

Incidentally we only spend £25 on anyone, don't give to receive and cut your cloth and all that. Hey all spend more than that on us, what a bitch I would be to quibble that I only got (eg) £30 and DH got £70.

I think my mil wants me to behave like her own children but it'll never happen, we are worlds apart. Because of this, I don't think I'm treated as one of her own although she does make the same amount of effort as she does with all the other family.

KeatsiePie

Totally agree about families expanding.

Some of the comments along the lines of we got married but I didn't marry his family are so so sad.

We brought up our kids to expand love, to have as many friends as possible and be kind.

Our grown up dss gfs will probably become family and we will love them because they are important to our sons. Ditto our dds.

But you never love anyone like you love your kids.

Totally agree, gymboy. I found that "she will be just his partner" comment one of the weirdest things I've ever read on here.

I only have sons & will do everything I can to be accepting to their future partners. Obviously how close my relationship with any future DILs will be depends largely on what they want & are comfortable with; but they certainly won't be excluded.

Neither can I conceive of seeing a long-term partner as somehow secondary in importance to me. Fucked-up indeed.

My mil spends about the same on me as she does on dp. I really appreciate it because I don't expect it. Unfortunately, she doesn't know me well enough to get them quite right every time. I'm grateful anyway.

My parents spend more on me than dp. Dp couldn't care less. He doesn't want or need anything so is happy with a bottle of whisky. They do treat all dgc the same though, even the step-gcs. Nobody in our families has a problem with any of this.

As far as spending time with each other goes, I'd love dp to see his parents more often, with or without me (preferably without me because I don't have a lot in common with them) I spend time with my parents and siblings without including dp, and he's quite happy not coming.

My ex PIls treated me like the daughter they never had. They were fabulous until the day I left their son. Overnight my name was dirt, photographs with me in them were taken off the walls and I became persona non grata. They were still heavily involved in their DGCs lives but not mine.

My current DH is well aware that his parents are not my parents. His family are not my family and vice versa. He buys their gifts and I buy mine theirs. My mother treats him like a loved one BUT she doesnt treat him the same as me and tbh I would be pissed off if she did. I am her child not him. The same with my SIL. She is the gf of my brother and bearing in mind he already has had two wives and she is likely to be the third, I know my mom will treat her with love but not as another daughter

Going on the logic of the 'love them like your own' thinkers, does that mean that dh should treat his father's partner as if she was his mother? She has been with his dad for over 15 years now and does everything in gymboy's list (although of course she doesn't cook or clean for him as they do domestic chores together). She is part of the family but of course she hasn't replaced their mother who died and is much missed.

I'm very fond of my brother's new wife, she is a lovely person, a great addition to the family, and I am very very glad that my brother found her to share his life. She's not my sister though, I've only known her for five or six years and I didn't grow up with her. To me that matters.

God imagine being bookbags mil...

Every time you speak to your son she's there. Every sandwich, she's there. Every photo, she's in. Every conversation she gets an opinion on. Every present she gets at least the same.

Truly. I wish you a long and happy marriage because if it gets shot to shit you're in for an almighty bloody shock.

I love my pils. They drive me bats and make me laugh in equal measure in ways my parents don't as I can see pils as people in ways my parents never were, are or perhaps will be. It's a totally different relationship. And maybe at times all the better for that.

Whatsthe I think you're completely right about this But you never love anyone like you love your kids.

I was thinking about this thread earlier ... I think my parents love my DH because they love me. I mean, they really like and enjoy him as a person, and they do love him, but it comes from how much they love me.

My MIL is the same way -- I know she genuinely loves me, but she's crazy about my DH, and I can feel that her love for me comes out of her love for him.

And I agree, I can't imagine not feeling like you have joined someone's family when you marry him/her. If your spouse's family is awful, then that changes things, and you'd be quite right to put up whatever boundaries you need to. But to start off with the idea that you are not becoming part of your new spouse's family is strange to me.

Here's why I think you shouldn't spend (much) more on your own son/daughter than on his/her spouse.

To you, of course, no son- or daughter-in-law comes close to your kids in importance. Your kids are the sun and the moon and the stars. Which is great and as it should be.

But to your adult son/daughter, the person sitting next to him/her on the couch, who they married (or settled down with) -- that person is the sun and the moon and the stars.

So giving in equal amounts to both of them is how you acknowledge the importance of their marriage, how much you value it, how much respect you have for it, how glad you are that they found each other. They have entered into a deeply committed relationship of mutual sharing and support, through thick and thin. And it is your responsibility as a parent and parent-in-law to support the health of their marriage. Contrasts like this "Look, I got this awesome present from my mom, because she wants me to have nice things in my life. You did not get an awesome present from her, because it's not important to her whether you have nice things in your life. Even though my life and your life are completely intertwined." do not support or respect the health of their marriage.

I also think that if you give much more to your adult child than to his/her spouse, you're doing something that might well come across as a little bit territorial or a little bit possessive. I don't mean you are necessarily trying to say to the spouse "he/she was mine before he/she was yours" "you're just this random person he married" "you interloper" etc. But by giving to your own child on a much bigger scale than you give to the spouse, you're making a point of privileging the relationship you have with your adult child over the relationship he/she has with his/her spouse. And I do think that you should not make this point.

Again, of course you will love your own children more! But I don't think you need to show it through uneven spending on presents. They know. What they need is to know that you also love and welcome their spouses. They need to know that when you're all together, this is family time for everyone, not "Time with X's family, and he brought the wife," so everyone can relax and be happy and there's no need for X to worry about whether Mom's feelings are hurt b/c Wife is taking up too much of his attention or Wife's feelings are hurt b/c Mom isn't really completely including her. I would bet (putting aside cases where X, Wife, or Mom is an unreasonable asshole) that this is the best and maybe the only way to stay really close to your kids once they marry.

Disclaimer: I don't have children, let alone adult ones. This is just what I think, based on my own parents & ILs and what I hear from my friends about theirs. And sorry for length

My late parents always treated our partners/wives/husbands, the same as they did us. Same amount on presents at birthdays/Christmas; asking how they were or having a chat if they phoned up etc etc.

Now I'm a MIL, I do that too. My son in law is as much a part of my family as my brothers and cousins etc.

This is such an odd thread. Surely so much depends on the circumstances and relationship you have with your in laws? I get on great with MIL and love her very much but she's not my mum and I'm not her daughter. She treats me very well (and I do her), but she doesn't have the same relationship with her other DIL because she(DIL) doesn't want it. She and her twat of a husband (DHs brother) didn't even get in touch when they knew that FIL was dying, they waited until he died and then appeared like sobbing gouls at the funeral and SIL asked if there would be any money forthcoming from the will. This was standing outside the church which MIL was distraught. They are fuckers but my MIL still tries hard to have a relationship with both of them but no, she does not treat us the same. And I don't blame her.

there is a difference between treating your DIL/SIL like your own when it comes to gifts, and respecting the fact that as adults they will likely have a friendship.

I think some people are missing that, the OP in particular seems to think 'treating the same' means that her DH is never allowed time with his parents without her in tow, and that i think is very very unfair and wrong.

Her DH has a right to still maintain a private relationship with his parents that does not involve/include the OP all the time.

Well today is my lunch with my kids that bookbag and others have such an issue with.

DS has assured me that his GF is fine with not coming. I can only take him at his word.

Have a lovely time Frau. :)